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Back and a bit battered
By Riseabove
10/18/2012 1:52:07 AM
I entered a blog here almost a year ago. I just re-read it and I'm wondering what has happened to my resolve. I could get melodramatic and say that I'm so tired and I can't handle the stress of life, and even better.... Satan is just too tough for me. But you and I know that those are just words of simple and untrue excuses. I just have tuned out my very source of strength.

For some reason, which I actually think is because the sun was going down later in the evening and I thought someone I knew might se me go into the recovery meeting.... I stopped attending. And then it seemed easy to say that I was feeling so good that I probably didn't have to go anymore, especially when I was still feeling the sickening feeling that I had when I first came clean with my wife and my Bishop. Who would ever go back to that feeling of misery.

Satan works in very sneaky and deceitful ways....

I'm back on the roller coaster. I've had some doozy of experiences viewing pornography again.... Except this time I can honestly tell you that the feeling of guilt is many times stronger because I'm constantly thinking to myself, "you've been down this road already and it was he'll before! What are you doing???" And then I try to tune it out....

I really am a prideful man. I am in a position of trust where if people knew that I struggled with this.... I feel that would wold lose my family and profession. I am trying so hard to get back on the right track. I did so much better when I was ale to talk to people.... But I can't trust that I won't be found out by those who know me. I don't know if this will be accepted by those who read these blogs.... But I would love to be able to express my thoughts and feelings in this forum for a while. I actually did go through the 12 steps 2 times before I stopped going, and know that there really isn't a magic number of times to be healed. My only real frustration now is that I don't have an outlet for my feelings. So rather than write in a journal, for no one to read or comment, I hope that I can use this log as a place to just vent and hopefully find healing from those who might be going through what I am experiencing.

Thanks. (It's late and I hope this makes some sort of sense....)

Comments:

Yep    
"He is very sneaky and deceitful, the devil.

You're not so strange. We are just like you. :) You are not alone..."
posted at 09:13:23 on October 18, 2012 by Anonymous
You can't stop working the Steps    
"Plan on working the steps the rest of your life. All of the recovering addicts whom I know (facilitators at the meetings I attend 2-3 times per week) who have multiple years of sobriety never stopped working the steps. Kind of like an coda in music (only you never end the song), you go straight back to the beginning without missing a beat and start over again.

Go through the steps (and remember that the elimination of pride is one of the chief elements early in the steps) and as soon as you've finished Step 12, go back to Step 1 again and start the process over. This is what the successful people I know do, and one has been doing it for over three decades.

Please never stop trying. If you throw in the towel, then pick it up again at some point. It's very easy to become disappointed in ourselves and never try again. Keep on trying, keep on making what progress you can, and if you relapse, don't give up on yourself. Never give in. There's a specific reason that Elder Scott admonished us never to give up, and never stop trying. I think it has to do with the Law of Eternal Progression.

Ask the Lord to bless you with the desire to repent, because sometimes the most difficult thing to do is "to want to". We are all cheering for you in your endeavors to become whole and to get rid of this thing for good.

--Dog"
posted at 12:58:31 on October 19, 2012 by dog


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988