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checkin
By skyteamst90
10/17/2012 12:40:48 AM
well i just wanted to check in as this sorta is going to be something i have decided to do to help me out. i dont make it to too many SA meetings + i really feel embaressed. like badly. so i have dealt with my issues mostly on my own by reading books, some CBT therapy, some therapy thru a therapist, and medication.

i have recently decided to stop + start meeting w the bishop. he even is coming over on thursday morning + my place is trashed...im screwed + have alot to do. my place is a $hit hole + will be embaressing to have him over.

ive relapsed badly...crap. however i am pushing forward + not giving up. i am repenting, but i never promise, dont want to set myself up for failure. ive committed to read the book of mormon by years end and hopefully i can do it. 10 pgs a day.

my x has been pleasantly nice lately + i am grateful for that.

i have some big things coming up here. 1) try to get baptised here in the next 6 mos. 2) start college in jan 2013 3) move to a new apartment. 4) bankruptcy 5) another serious personal issue 6) obtain a new job...so all this $hit is happening at the same period of my life...stress? ya.i think so...and really virtually no support, except here (ldsar.org) on this site + a couple friends. i have tried to reach out + make new friends, but being ..........me...makes things hard to relate to kids at church. im in a young couples ward...seech...makes it tough. people are surprised when i mention i have 3 kids...iguess cuz they are never with me...

i have to be honest a little. i read alot of posts here + i see alot of the struggles both men go thru, the girls, and the wives...for a time i was depressed and feared (maybe like many of you) that i would never overcome this...some guys here really have struggled, i think slightly harder then me...i was upset and felt i may never heal or get fixed...all of the 'work' i was doing just didnt seem to add up to success...and i was hurt. why wasnt god saving me? if he wants me to be happy why this? what am i supposed to learn or gain from this? what am i not doing to aid in success?

i finally decided that most likely i will not get any major answers here in this life. my life i think to some degree is unsalvageable. i have had to learn to try to love myself...which seems impossible, and to keep going and face my issues. i still think to some degree why would a perfect god like me? my own family doesnt even like me...its like, me loving an ant...

when i had a mormon girl tell me i wasnt good enough, that i wasnt the one, that she wouldnt settle, despite much good i did for her, it was the worst rejection i had ever faced. i had made great progress at the time...things were good...but this, it was worse then my divorce...i shut down + hated myself even more. i shut people out. i stopped praying it wasnt working. i wasnt getting answers i thought. i stopped attending church. i didnt have friends there anyway...and people there were happy...ya demented thinking.

......i had some dark times...bad...its just amazing...so to not even be good enough for a women...so i decided this. girls are trouble so i am putting it on the back burner. i dont know, at least at this point if i will even try, to mate-hunt. i know 'now is not the time' i get that but it doesnt make things easier...i hate the 'future' element...the someday you will...fill in the blank...really, i hate prophecy.

i'll write more later

Comments:

entry 2    
"one of the most frustrating things is time. it seems progress is slow + some how designed to...annoy me. so, i just make a todo list of a few tings that hopefully makes my life a little better. but i not sure im making progress or the great 'change of heart' has happend...so i push onward.

i have hope right now...just a dot...faith on the other hand...not so sure. i have hope that maybe this can all turn around. im doing small things and have made steps, but i think it will be sometime before a signicant notice is progress is made...my longest abstanence was 90 days...

my hope is, i wish i could say i love god. i cant seem to connect to that one. i hear people say it and i think it is pretty special. i,ve never been able to say it, so i hope i can. when some says HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES YOU that i can know that + feel that cuz right now i dont...frustrating. at some point i,d like to know GOD LISTENS AND ANSWERS PRAYERS....a simple statement but this is something i dont know. i desire to know this. i,d like to believe i'm special again, cuz whatever or whenever i believed this was years ago, and i have since lost this steam for that. i dont believe it now. i d like to be ok with myself...like as it sits i believe now, that i am not worthy of heaven or even a celistial kingdom. not worthy enough or good enough. i supposed i havent proved myself. i heald the belief of 'im not going to make it anyway, so why try?' so there lies alot of the issuesi have to over come..."
posted at 06:56:16 on October 17, 2012 by skyteamst90
It takes time...    
"At least that's what my sponsor keeps telling me. I hope he is right, that sobriety will happen... Undoing years of self-inflicted injury does not happen overnight."
posted at 09:13:53 on October 17, 2012 by g1rlie


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