4 days being clean
By d&c68:4
10/11/2012 10:25:51 AM
I found this site last week, and created an account and have been clean for 4 days from Pornography and MB. It's nothing special. I've gone longer without it, and stayed clean on my mission. I know I can do it. It's kinda like working out. The first week is hard, but once you get use to doing it, it gets easier. I've been debating on waiting to tell my wife and bishop. I've wanted to ponder and try and remember EVERYTHING I've done so I don't leave anything out. I prayed this morning, and I have mostly stopped praying but I want to have at least two meaningful prayers a day. I prayed for forgiveness, help, and expressed my gratitude as well. When I finished, I just paused. These are the words that came to my head, "My Son, you are very blessed. Go see the bishop now." I was thinking of just going when it was convenient for me but apparently the Lord wants it done now. I wanted more of a clean streak before I told the bishop and my wife, but I can't argue with the Lord. Any words of encouragement as I set my appointment today to see the bishop and speak with him would be very helpful. Also, any other tips on how to break the news to my beautiful wife. Thank-you everyone for your support.


"the same thing happened to me. 3 years in recovery and 6 months sober. The Lord had me tell the bishop and my wife. You can do this. Keep listening to the Spirit."
posted at 14:11:39 on October 11, 2012 by Anonymous
Not easy but worth it....    
"Seeing the Bishop is the easy part. Sometimes we forget that in our culture. If we've been raised in the church we've undoubtedly had the experience of being told by a parent..."you need to go see the Bishop", as if that were part of the punishment. Think of him as your best friend. He is on your side, and will do anything to help you.

Your wife is a different story. I would have a plan in place before you tell her that includes participation in a ARP or PASG meeting, regular meetings with the Bishop and counseling. Your wife will feel betrayed and hurt...and it can last for a long time. Get in touch with Maddy and ask her advice. Eventually she will also need to attend some spouse/family support meetings to help her understand and cope with your disclosure. Get a copy of Don Hilton's book and read it as quickly as you can. It will be the atonement that heals both of you, but you will have to make the necessary steps and do the work. We will be here for you to talk to. It doesn't have to end your marriage, but be patient and give her all the time she needs to process it. Your changed behavior will speak for itself. Good luck my friend."
posted at 14:19:00 on October 11, 2012 by chefdalet
Thanks for the advice    
"I appreciate the advice. I should know by now, as soon as I speak to the bishop, things seem less stressful, and I do feel the love of our Heavenly Father. I agree about getting things set up before I tell my wife. I want her to know that i'm serious about recovery. She hasn't been exposed to much in her life, and so I kinda feel like this monster ruining her innocent life. She will be hurt. She will have a hard time trusting me, but I can't live another moment in darkness, lies, and misery. I will get a hold of that book for sure. Thanks so much for the support. I'll update my blog and let you know how it turned out."
posted at 14:35:36 on October 11, 2012 by d&c68:4
I am a wife    
"As a wife who found out of my husbands addiction about 6 months ago i might has a good word or two. Actions do speak wonders. My husband meets with the bishop regularly, goes to a pornography specialist counselor and we are also a part of a Life Star group. Always reassure her that it has nothing to do with her. My husband has never been manipulative or blaming on any level and it has helped our relationship greatly. Many women I know dealing with the same issues have been blamed by their husbands and they have such anger and bitterness toward their husbands years down the road because of it. So I would say: have good communication with her. Tell her what you are feeling and when you are tempted. I may be hard for her to hear and embarrassing for you to tell her about the thoughts that may trigger you, but you need to be totally open and honest and she will feel safe with you over time. Also, this addiction thrives in secrecy, so definitely let your wife be on your side and don't keep any more ugly secrets. Also, tell her EVERYTHING. that way it is all out on the table and ugly secrets aren't popping up here and there down the road. you don't need to go into niddy griddy detail but she needs to know what type of sins and when."
posted at 15:34:45 on October 11, 2012 by Anonymous
Good point    
"That's a wonderful point and i'm glad you brought it up. It really isn't because my wife isn't everything I've wanted in a relationship. I've done this because it's an addiction that I have dealt with for 12 years. It's easy to fall into sin because it's become a part of my life. So much, in fact that I succumb to these awful sins even when I'm just bored. No other reason. I want to just write everything down and go through it with her point by point. Thanks again!"
posted at 18:39:05 on October 11, 2012 by d&c68:4
Another thought...    
"Many wives develop co-dependent behaviors after finding out about their husband's addiction. She may start wanting to be the police in your life...checking your phone, browser history, etc. THIS IS BAD!! It may give her temporary peace of mind, but will ultimately destroy your relationship. It will be hard for her to let go and start trusting you again. This is normal. Be patient and understanding.... Find a good family/spouse support group. Let her know it is available, but do not push her to go. She will need time to process and make her own decision to get help.....after all, this is YOUR problem...will be her initial reaction.

I like the advice from anonymous with possibly one caveat. I would disclose EVERYTHING, but not in too great detail. Example....She can know that you were heavily into porn and mb, but skip the gorey details, like what kind of porn and how much masturbation. Maybe I'm wrong, but as addicts we progress into areas of sickness that most would not 2 cents."
posted at 16:12:45 on October 12, 2012 by chefdalet
"I’m amazed by the wonderful advice from all of you. I’ve been doing good with suppressing my addiction. It sounds a little childish, but I have a bedtime I have set for myself, and a wake-up time. I say my prayers, read my scriptures, and walk my dog for 30 min. all by 7am. I’ve changed my lifestyle to better myself. I’m also reading 7 habits of highly effective people. I’ve been learning a lot about communication in there and have been trying to help my wife become more independent. Whenever she has a question, or concern, she’ll come to me for advice. I like that she does that. But I’m about to break this news to her after I meet with the bishop next week and I don’t want her to be unprepared and not have anywhere to go. I’m really not sure how she will react, because we haven’t had any issues like this before. I’m having a hard time figuring out how I’ll bring it up. I do want it to be over a weekend where we don’t have to be at work or have any other distractions and where we have as long as we need to talk, or think about our options. I have a good feeling that things will work out. I heard a quote on my mission and I’ll share it with you. President Howard W. Hunter said, “Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” Thanks again everyone."
posted at 16:51:22 on October 12, 2012 by d&c68:4
Family Spouses Manual    
"On the left side of the screen is a purple icon. Click on it and down load it for your wife to have. She will need it. This manual is not being used right now but it is the best information around with in the church for a spouse who's husband has an addiction. Any family member for that matter. the Addiction Recovery groups for Spouses who's Husbands have sexual addictions are usually called PASGS, you can find a group close to you by going to the site. You will be able to find a group for you also. Usually they meet on the same night but meet in different rooms. I would not suggest a group where the husbands and wives meet together. Just my experience.

As far as what to tell her, tell her all the truth but please no details. She will never forget the details. The devil is in the details. She will ask for them, it is just part of women's nature, but do your best to avoid the details. Hold her, comfort her, cry with her, she may not want you to touch her or sleep with her or she may want you not to leave her and show intimacy with her, reassure her. She may ask you to leave, but for sure she will be in shock. Those co-dependent behaviors that the Chefdalet talked about....those behaviors are normal and please do not label her co-dependent, she will be in shock, and trauma, and those behaviors are normal behaviors for someone who has gone through a life changing event. She will be trying to do what ever she can to make sure it does not happen again. It is good for her to take action, action will help her heal. But she needs to take action over the things she can control, herself and her recovery. Yes, she will have to recover from this revelation. And D&C I commend you for wanting to disclose to her. She will heal faster because of this. The sisters who find out about their husbands addictions by discovery are wounded deeper and take longer to heal. Sometimes they catch their husbands and see images that are now burnt into their minds. But if she seeks recovery through the infinite atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ she will heal, just as you will as you seek the same.

Sometimes it is beneficial if you find a good sexual addiction counselor, to have them help you through the process of disclosure. Some even do this in the counselors office. But please reassure her that your addiction has nothing to do with her. That she is everything and all that you ever wanted in a woman. You will have to do this over and over. And be a Real man every chance you get. Stand up and be accountable.

She will need to talk about this to someone close to her. Let her talk to who she needs to. But, I caution you, if she can get with a support group first she will be well served. Because sometimes and this happens more than not, the people she will confide in will be burdened with this news also, instead of giving her comfort they may cause more stress for her. And usually those who we confide in are not actively in a recovery program and are burdened by the fact that now they have to work on forgiving and not judging.

I have been a missionary for women's support groups for several years, and my husband had a lust addiction. I hope this information will help you both. show her this site, have her come to this site and sign in on the spouses side. There are still a few of us that check that site regularly to offer support to sisters. "
posted at 01:32:25 on October 14, 2012 by Hero

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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990