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I need to change
By d&c68:4
10/5/2012 1:50:09 AM
I am so happy I found this website. Your stories are so inspirational and it has helped me so much! I am 25 years old, and have been married for three years now. I have a beautiful wife that I love so much. She is everything to me, and has supported me working two jobs. We still call ourselves newly weds, because we really can't get enough of being with each other. I'm not going to say that things have been perfect, because they haven't. Aside from my personal issues, we have a very healthy relationship. Unfortunately, my wife's trust in me has been in vain. It wasn't until just last week that REALLY got me thinking that I need to do change or things will get worse. I cannot continue living the way I have been and feel good inside. I grew up in the gospel. I was raised in what seemed as the perfect environment, where the gospel was taught, and my parents raised me the best they knew how. I discovered pornography at a young age. The internet was readily available, and it seemed that I would never find a way to overcome it. Pornography led to masturbation, which, if I remember correctly, started at the age of 11 or 12. I would always try and stop, but always started back up again. I had a girlfriend in high school, and we went too far as well. I am happy that it ended where it did, and didn't go too far. I thought it ended there, but I made the choice to hang out with the wrong friends. We were out of state and he convinced me to go to a strip club. He invited me, but I CHOSE to go, because I didn't have the spirit. Little did I know, but that one choice has turned my life into Hell. I ended up going a few times after that. I made the decision to go on a mission. I confessed to my stake president but left out some of the more serious sins. It wasn't until about 4 months into my mission that I knew I didn't have the spirit with me and I needed to come clean. I confessed to my mission president, and I was close to getting sent home, but I was blessed to keep my missionary tag, and I had the best mission after that. I felt so amazing. I didn't have ANY of the problems I had before the mission. I really felt like I was cured! And I guess I was, until I forgot the most important step: Endure to the End. I got home and did well for a while. my parents had divorced on my mission, and I was living with my father who worked a lot. I didn't have a car, or a job and most of my friends were still serving missions. I got caught off guard, and I subconsciously chose to indulge in my behavior. Pornography and masturbation has begun to control my life. I started dating my future-wife, and even we went a little too far at some points. We both spoke to our bishops and I also told him about my personal problems. My future-wife and I prepared and were sealed in the temple. I asked my bishop if I should tell her the problems I have been having, and he told me that since we weren't married, he didn't feel I had to tell her. I thought, once again, I was cured. About 4 months after being married, I got caught up in pornography and masturbation. That has gone on almost three years. I have also been to strip clubs 6 times since we've been married. I have paid money for 1 on 1 dances. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it. It wasn't until this last time I went that I REALLY felt like things were getting out of hand. I paid for a dance, and it involved more than just watching. It involved in me touching her in inappropriate places. How was I to know that pornography could lead to this?! I've made temple covenants, and have broken them. I've been scared for the state of my soul. A day after I had that incident with the touching, I did something I never have done before, nor had the temptation to do before. I went and bought alcohol and drank and drank and drank. I was throwing up all night, and couldn't move in the morning. It temporarily help me forget my worries, but it all came back the next day. I know I have a problem, I know I have issues, but I also know my potential as a child of God. My actions have caused me so much pain, and i'm wanting to fix it. I don't care what happens to me as far as church discipline. I need to face the consequences. I am, however, so concerned for my poor wife. I can't bare to tell her. I would absolutely appreciate ANY advice on telling her. I don't think she would leave me, but I know I will get what I deserve, and just want her to stay happy. She has no idea of any problem I have had in the past, and she's will have a very hard time with this. We have been trying to have a baby for a year now and haven't had any success. She thinks about that every day, and it makes her so sad. I'd hate to add another burden to her and cause this pain. Would I speak to the bishop first, or talk with my wife first. I will continue to update my blog. I love you guys. Thanks so much for your support!

Comments:

Honesty    
"Hey buddy,
sounds like you're on your way to being honest. Hopefully you've already taken the first steps to making amends. you've got a long, hard road ahead of you. You've made some bad decisions and been dishonest and there will be a price to pay because of it. That being said, make sure that you are 100% honest with your wife. My wife has said to me that she can work with me through bad decisions, but she cannot work with me through dishonesty. Prepare for the conversation well and be ready to share everything with her at one time so you don't have to come back multiple times later and open up old wounds with more dirt.
Also, I'd highly suggest attending a recovery group. LDS 12-step is great and SA is also really good. You need to get to where you are talking to people other than a bishop about these things. Sexual addiction thrives in secrecy and will always get worse unless we admit the problem and reach out. At a group you will discover the roots of why you act out even though you love your wife, and will find healthy ways of dealing with those roots before they lead to acting out in your addiction.
Feel free to visit my blog and/or email me, I'd love to keep in touch and wish you luck with your difficult (but necessary) journey ahead.

my blog: recovery-gdodaat.blogspot.com"
posted at 13:05:11 on November 19, 2012 by recovery.gdo


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990