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My Issue and added comfort
By LDS_Brother
10/1/2012 1:12:09 AM
I have been plagued with pornography addiction and the temptation to MB and giving in most of my life. I used to be doing so well, but occasionally fell, but now it seems that online chatting offered a different kind of temptation that I gave into. Chatting with a real person instead of just visual temptation. It really helps me to be strong as I have read the posts of other brothers and sisters who have struggled with similar weaknesses, thank you all for your postings and sharing your struggles, I don't feel so alone, actually felt peace and an added strength from what you shared to stop giving in and looking for that temptation. I didn't want to take your posts for granted so here is one from me. Before I got married, I had slight sexual contact with my wife, I went to the Bishop for help. I was placed on disciplinary bishopric type council, couldn't do hometeaching or public prayers. Later things progressed further with my now wife, and I then had to meet with the Stake council, excomunication was recommended, I was so scared and nervous. But the Lord was merciful and I was placed under full Disfellowship. My wife was a convert, so her sins were baptized away, we were later married civilly. But getting married didn't get me reinstated to the Church. I had to prove my worthiness and keep pressing forward. I felt so down, like no hope, not living in sin any more, but still had to suffer the consequences. I understand that I made temple covenants, served a mission and thus am more accountable for my actions. I had brothers and sisters from church over at our place of living for support, watched church movies and had them offer prayers, added priesthood blessings, but still, waiting for another Stake Council to meet on my behalf.

Later I felt so down, hopeless, unloved or worthy for anything, like no matter what I did, I just wouldn't be good enough. One evening, the Lord really blessed my life, I know He inspired a dream I had. In my dream, I was speaking with someone wearing a white robe, they said they were Moroni and he was there for my personal priesthood interview. He started to ask me questions, I answered a few, but then felt really guilty and gazed downward and didn't answer as he kept asking questions, feeling so ashamed and ready to be reamed at, so he stopped asking me questions and instead he said, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?" He didn't condemn me nor did he chastise or tell me what I had to do to improve or a "How dare you" speach. I then looked up at him and I had always wanted to know a certain question and was finally getting the chance to ask, so I did, "Did Adam have a bellybutton?" His answer was really profound, humbling even, he said: "I don't know, I never asked him." Then he went on to ask something about the trees in the Garden of Eden, what their symbolic meaning really represented or something along those lines. Then he began to carry on a tune, like when you just lightly hum along or something, but in the process the whole room seemed to fill up with Angelic Choir music, like I was surrounded with a choir of Angels, I believe the song was from Janice Kapp Perry's "Come to the House of the Lord" about the temple. So I asked him how he was able to do that, his answer was: "They're always singing in Heaven, you just have to tap into it." I felt the spirit so strong as I never had before when he was singing, thinking how can I be worthy to feel like this? The spirit was so thick that I couldn't have not felt it, hard to explain, but my whole body was strongly fuzzily tingling, closest thing I could compare it to would be imagine you slowly passing through solid matter, all your molecules in your cells are passing through other molecules, very strong encompasing feeling. I was truly humbled and knew I was loved, and not condemned.

When I woke up, I later pondered this experience, I was in tears and on my knees in prayer, thanking my Father in Heaven for allowing me to feel of His Everlasting Love for such an unworthy child, I was deeply sorrowful for offending Him and disobeying His commandments. I then know I was blessed by the Hand of the Lord to write a poem, to the tune of "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief"

"A Stranger and an Honest Man"

An honest man was walking home
A stranger came, his pathway towards
The markings of a thief was shown
Gave him gold in Name of the Lord
The stranger stunned, with wondering awe
With guilt and sorrow now he saw
Some one who'd never give him wrong
A friend he'd yearned for all life long

A time had passed since last they met
The stranger now seemed more in pain
A life of sin, so much in debt
A shameful burden was his stain
The honest man, still love he shown
Took the debt and cared as his own
The stranger now, with tears in eyes
Left and said his heartfelt goodbyes

Alas, he fell, much farther still
A law that treason meant his life
Alone he sat, no hope or will
Regretting all his self caused strife
The judgement passed, they called his name
A voice called out, no, I'm to blame
The stranger loosed, the good man tied
He watched, for him, he suffered, died.

Another quote that gave me strength by general authorities in this site:

" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "
— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006


When I mess up, I question do I matter, am I worthy to feel loved again, I so need positive contacts with other brothers and sisters, I feel ashamed to let people know who I am as I'm seen as someone who couldn't possibly do this, I know how discouraged I feel afterwards, but going through hard times in my marriage now, my wife being a convert, different culture without any real knowledge of Jesus Christ our Savior at all in her background. Like Lehi's dream, the building without a foundation, I thought a convert is so strong, but that is not the case with my wife. She has started to drink Coffee a little bit, when she can't sleep drinks a little brandy trusting in science explinations, rationalizing away teachings of the church that they don't put a roof over your head, food on the table or money in the bank, very materialistic. She is the only member in her family, and now has said many times that marrying me was a mistake, having children with my genes was a mistake, I have ADHD in my background and other mood disorders and in her culture that is unacceptable, children need to listen and obey, study hard and give a good face to parents, all her family have much better behaved children, smarter and more skilled than ours. I try and tell her I love her, but she pushes away sometimes, no excuse to look for temptations, hollow substituts for the Gospel, these are just a slight few issues I am struggling within my marriage. I'll maybe post somewhere else other issues, but the main thing I guess I would hope to achieve is to feel of that support and love that you are all so wonderful at sharing and advice and positive words of encouragement that I have read in so many other postings. I have such a great love and appreciation for those of you who have also admitted to having issues and temptations, I know I am not alone.

Comments:

Time Frame    
"Hi. I'm new here. This is actually my first read. How long ago did this all happen for you? And how is your progression going?"
posted at 09:47:17 on October 4, 2012 by SUNNYDAYS
My progression . . .    
"Well first to answer Sunnydays, love the user name you chose, this all happened 11 years ago, give or take, but recentl came into temptations again. I have since joined a 12 step group online chat called heart to heart, very good support, also reading here and posting here. I have now been sober or not given in to my addiction for 2 days, but I also have a good contact who we report to each day, often, gives me strength, also email lots of great people who I am open with and face my addictions much easier now also. I love the gospel, I love the feeling of freedom, free from the discouragement that my addiction brings, instead of having to fight to control myself not to give in, I face it, recognize where the temptations are coming from, read my 12 steps and scriptures, emails, call or text my support buddy and of course pray, Don't Forget to Pray, aloud, kneeling if possible and often. I will comment here as I progress or even if I falter, but I have faith I can stay strong with the support I have and the closeness I am now developing much better with my Savior."
posted at 21:49:54 on October 4, 2012 by LDS_BROTHER
15 days of sobriety for me    
"I felt I could not ever endure for so long, following the 12 steps has worked many mighty miracles, I now see that my root desires are for affection, wanting to be loved and no one can love more than Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I visited with my branch president, I still hold my calling, bore my testimony on Sunday, was very humbled, i'm not perfect, I consider myself foolish before the Lord, am trying to be more humble, I so love the gospel and support groups I have reached out to. Don't give up, even if you just gave in! that is something the Lord has helped me realize, one day at a time, one hour at a time, minutes, seconds, just keep pressing forward, do not give up, you are worth more than satan would have you believe! I'm still tempted, have thoughts and desires that are not wholesome, wife issues and worldly trials and struggles, I need constant help and support to keep pressing forward."
posted at 13:26:45 on October 17, 2012 by LDS_BROTHER
Hope    
"Hi. How are your days coming along? I chose my log in name based on the fact that the nights are the worse. They don't call them "Dark Nights" for nothing. So the opposite of dark nights would be sunny days. And I'm looking toward the positive, a recovery from mizzery.

I hope things are working out for you. Whenever I read someones struggles and they are still married I just want to tell them to hang in there and work as hard as you can. Marriage is hard enough as it is and with temptation in every corner you need the extra work to keep yourself and your family on the right track.

My prayers are with you. Congrats on 15 days. Keep moving forward."
posted at 22:46:23 on October 23, 2012 by sunnydays


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988