the problem
By john5
9/24/2012 3:22:30 AM
My life is completely insane right now. I'm caught between two worlds right now. In one, I'm the luckiest guy on earth with a perfect homecoming date, good grades and who has a ton of fun in sports. in the other I'm an addict who acts out only at night and feels completely inadequate for either worlds. Then theres stupid things like sickness and parents threatening each-other with divorce that affects both worlds quite a bit. I really shouldn't rant like this. I have so much to be grateful just all seems completely pointless since I haven't been able to break this cycle. Its just ridiculous how simple a complex problem can be. It always happens the same way....I mess up, resolve to do better, then either stress or stupidity will bring me to the doorstep of acting out. Sometimes I walk away, and sometimes I enter, but most of the time I run then maybe an hour or so later do it anyways. Sometimes the cycle takes a week and a half and sometimes it takes a day. I don't know which problem I should attack...there will always be stress and stupidity (though I can limit the latter with practice) so I keep wanting to just leave the problem alone when I know those things are in check, and hope it takes care of itself. It may be fine for a little while until any given night when I can't sleep and there seems to be no reason to fight it. I have no clue what to do next. years ago I thought I would have been clean by now, but I'm in basically the same cycle, but with different circumstances. I don't know what else to do. Dad's hands are obviously tied and meeting with the bishop doesn't help at all anymore. For now I'll pray and find some way to tune out the incredible guilt. if you've gotten this far than thank you for listening to this ridiculously long rant-session.


Being riddled with guilt    
"I hear you. I am listening and I am hearing you. I relate. You aren't alone. The 12 steps work if you can find a group to work them with. If you can't find a group, I'll help. I'll pray for you. I know I'm not where I need to be with my addiction and my experience so much mirrors your own feelings, but I know how to feel better some of the time."
posted at 19:47:09 on September 24, 2012 by MovinForward

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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990