i tried so hard...and got so far...
By chiswright
9/8/2012 11:42:48 AM
well, a lot has happened since i last was on here. i broke my record for days sober, had my birthday, (im actually 15 now, i strecthed the truth a bit on that last blog) and lasted a whole week.

now here comes the soursweet news...i got a new smartphone. that cant lose youtube. last night was terrible. i totally lost it. the only good news is, i lasted a week, 2 days over my record. i'm just wondering, have any of you had any experiences like this, where you have to slowly recover over time, not just losing it cold turkey? and also, i found out the only way to remove youtube is to root my phone, does anyone know how to root for android?

im trying to stay strong, its so hard...i have come to rely on heavenly father. i thought i had before this week, but now i know that i wasnt, and now i am. i think this will keep growing stronger also. one more question, should i be happy that im doing better and recovering with breaking my record, or should i be bummed that i messed up? im shooting for 2 weeks this time, and im also going to blog and comment more often.

please give me all of your awesome spiritual advice -chis


Many thoughts...    
Be happy...Lean to recognize the difference between slips and relapses. I wish I had this kind of courage when I was your age. I got into porn and mb when I was about 11. It took me 34 years to quit...I'm at 1047 days. Are you meeting regularly with your Bishop and working a program that works for you? I would highly recommend regular accountability. I hear x3watch is a good app for your smart phone. Give it try. Don't get down on yourself. Just keep pushing forward and trying harder."
posted at 14:40:44 on September 8, 2012 by chefdalet
"These first few weeks will be extremely important. You are at the beginning of a path most of us have taken, one that I took just a year ago.

Your were mostly worried about masturbation, which is nice to have that as your only worry. I wish I did. But now, or soon, pornography is creeping in. It starts with curiosity and soon turns into craving. A burning desire to go further. Its hard but soon you will have to decide whether you want to go against that type of fight, or over the course of a few days or more decide to simply not go down that path.

If you want to talk more or whatever let me know.
Good luck, god bless."
posted at 16:44:08 on September 8, 2012 by moronidenovo
"thanks guys! first of all, chefdalet, my dad is my bishop and i have met with him before, im just nervous to talk to him because he's thought ive stopped. thanks for your app recommendation also.

moronidenevo, thanks for the warning. when i find a way to take youtube off of my devices, i usually take the internet off also, just in case.

what you guys are doing means the world to me, thank u all -chis"
posted at 17:34:54 on September 8, 2012 by chiswright
oh and chris    
"Don't rely on this site too much for support. A lot of times people here agent exactly interested in replying. Usually they like controversy or something to comment, which in not sure if it's that bad because it's kind of human nature. Although it does say something about people's character. But it sure sucks for those seeking help.

If you want an accountability partner, like check up checks every week or so, we could do that through email. Good luck again, focus on the good:)"
posted at 01:33:04 on September 9, 2012 by moronidenovo
Technology does not neccessarily equal progress    
"Technology like cell phones--it sure can complicate life sometimes. I get in trouble with my cell phone sometimes, also. What's helped me is keeping really, really busy and staying really active physically.

I believe in you, Chis. You can do this!"
posted at 13:13:44 on September 9, 2012 by Anonymous
"You should be happy because you are trying to do the right thing. Think about it: Satan wants you to be unhappy, God wants you to be happy. I realized soon after getting into recovery that all the shame I would be bombarded with when I relapsed was just Satan's tool to keep me down. Shame has nothing to do with Heavenly Father's plan. Guilt and Godly sorrow are only good for getting us to stop and turn around. Once we are back on the right path, whether it has been a few moments or a life-time why would God want us to be feeling down? I used to beat myself up for quite a while after falling. I would hold off the Spirit and engaging in a relationship with my Heavenly Father for a while until I felt worthy. I thought I had to be clean to have a relationship with my God and Savior?!! What kind of nonsense is that? Now I realize I need to develop a relationship with them if I ever want to be really clean. Alma 36 illustrates this all beautifully. Alma (one of the vilest of sinners) was in the darkest pit wanting to be snuffed out rather than ever face God, but the moment after he turned to his Savior his joy was as great as his sorrow had been. He longed to be in the presence of that same God. He hadn't taken any of the physical steps in the repentance process yet, he was still laying flat on his back.

Don't let your length of sobriety be the only measure of recovery. You are tied into one of the toughest addictions available. We don't all see an angel one day and get better! That used to drive me crazy, I couldn't find any repeat offenders in the scriptures. I am one that is recovering slowly. The important thing is that we keep getting back up and dusting ourselves off. We will enjoy the full benefits of the the Atonement if we don't quit. There can often be a lot of healing that needs to take place before sobriety becomes a permanent thing.

As far as rooting your phone, I haven't ever messed with an Android phone. I just finally got an iPhone because of a business need, otherwise I would still have the world's dumbest phone. I would be careful because root is the all powerful admin on a Linux/Unix OS. I would also get someone else to set the password for you so that you can't just type in a password and undo what you have done to keep yourself safe. We are addicts. We will jump over many obstacles to act out if we are in a bad place spiritually. I manage important computer systems at work, but my wife has the filter passwords at home. She has the restrictions password for my phone as well. You might check out the K9 web browser app. Even if you don't want to use a filtered browser, when I pulled up the details in the app store it gave me a URL with detailed instructions for disabling or restricting everything needed to make my phone safe. I would think that they would do the same for Androids. The other thing I found when I googled “root android” was that had instructions on rooting just about any Android phone. Then I would make sure you have very detailed instructions for disabling youtube. Like I said root is all powerful and Linux doesn't question root all the time about whether you really want to do what you just told it to do.

Keep working with your dad/bishop. I think you mentioned that he had asked a few times about how you are doing. That probably indicates that he is aware it will be a struggle. Don't worry about disappointing him. He will be a lot happier working with you the whole time he is a bishop and seeing worthily leave on a mission than he would be to have you tell him you are doing fine and then watch your life in ruins years later, because you didn't get the help you needed. The Spirit is probably telling him where you are at anyway. Just judging from being a father of boys and how my wife knew where I was at even if I wasn't telling her and neither of us has the mantle the bishop does. He wants to see you make it.

I seem to think I am full of great advice. Take what helps and ignore the rest.

posted at 23:03:31 on September 9, 2012 by justjohn
oh my gosh you guys are awesome    
"the title says it all. you guys are the best. thanks to all of you and help from heavenly father, i know i can get over this addiction. thanks to all of you guys! i have just one dilemma left...

i live in utah, and the brigham city temple dedication is going to happen on the 23rd. this would be fine, except that i dont have a valid temple recommend. with my acting out lately, i dont know if i should try to get a recommend or what. ive kind of made a personal deal with myself, if i can be clean for until the saturday before the dedication, i will get the recommend. (special appiontments with dad are always the best)

i partook of the sacrament today, have had my sins cleansed away from me, and gave a talk today coniencadentally (maybe not) on the sacrament.

im ready to stop, and i can only do it with heavenly father. i can testify of this.

please help me with the temple recommend advice, and any other things you might know from other blogs and this one.

may the spirit be with us all, -chis

(P.S. thanks to john for the rooting advice!)"
posted at 00:14:49 on September 10, 2012 by chiswright
oh my gosh you guys are awesome    
"the title says it all. you guys are the best. thanks to all of you and help from heavenly father, i know i can get over this addiction. thanks to all of you guys! i have just one dilemma left...

i live in utah, and the brigham city temple dedication is going to happen on the 23rd. this would be fine, except that i dont have a valid temple recommend. with my acting out lately, i dont know if i should try to get a recommend or what. ive kind of made a personal deal with myself, if i can be clean for until the saturday before the dedication, i will get the recommend. (special appiontments with dad are always the best)

i partook of the sacrament today, have had my sins cleansed away from me, and gave a talk today coniencadentally (maybe not) on the sacrament.

im ready to stop, and i can only do it with heavenly father. i can testify of this.

please help me with the temple recommend advice, and any other things you might know from other blogs and this one.

may the spirit be with us all, -chis

(P.S. thanks to john for the rooting advice!)"
posted at 00:14:50 on September 10, 2012 by chiswright
"Just be completely open and honest with your bishop and let him decide. That is his job. Addicts can tend to be too hard on themselves or too easy. I have talked to numerous priesthood leaders over the years and they can vary widely. I had one that I strongly disagreed with (I felt that he was just blowing off my long term porn and mast habit as not even a problem.) but I eventually left his office with a recommend even though I was acting out all the time at that point. I had really gone to his office for help and didn’t get any. Since getting into recovery I have heard many others talk about working with their leaders and the resulting discipline. Some seem to be kind of harsh and others lean towards being really soft, but the fact is that a person’s current bishop is the judge in Israel for them at that given time. They are there to judge a person’s actions and their heart. The ones that seem to have harsh bishops may not be telling me the whole situation. And a person’s actions are really only part of the equation. Where their heart is at seems to play a big part in what a priesthood leader decides needs to take place. If you are completely honest with them then you can leave the interview with a clear conscience regardless of the outcome. If they make a mistake then that is their issue. I know the Lord appreciates our honesty and can handle as much as I have ever given Him."
posted at 12:11:11 on September 10, 2012 by justjohn
hey @moronidenovo    
"ive finally gotten an accoutability app on my ipod after a little slip up today, will you be my partner? i know you volenteered earlier, so would you be willing to help?"
posted at 20:56:04 on September 10, 2012 by chiswright
hey buddy of course i would.    
"I don't have an iPhone and dont really know what that app is. But my email is I'll removed his after you comment because it's not smart to leave your email on an internet site. Talk to you whenever, email me when u can.

I'll wait till your on."
posted at 01:33:18 on September 12, 2012 by moronidenovo
hey moronidenovo    
"its an android app and i dont think you have to have the app to do it...its called pure btw"
posted at 18:26:19 on September 12, 2012 by chiswright
Struggling with the same thing    
I am also 15 turning 16 soon and fighting your same battle. I'm trying to be clean so I can "earn" my patriartcle blessing. I was 2 weeks strong and ready to go get the interview for my blessing tomorrow but I slipped up tonight with less that 24 hours to go. I felt really bummed out after and decided to come here for strength to pick my self back up. It's nice to know that I'm not the only out there with this burden of a battle to go through. I feel terrible going into my bishop tomorrow with news of failure. I'm half wondering if I should go ahead and get it and then use my blessing as a deterrent for slipping up. Just wondering what you guys think and wanting you to know that you aren't alone as you can tell by the overwhelming love and support you feel from these people who all love you so much and want you to succeed. Good luck."
posted at 01:38:38 on September 16, 2012 by Anonymous
be honest    
"It's always better to be honest with your Bishop and everyone else. If you are dishonest, then you have 2 sins, not just 1. Dishonesty will turn you into someone you don't want to be, and it will ruin your life much worse than any other sin.

You will feel much better about yourself and your patriarchal blessing if you get it on the day your Bishop allows you to get it, and if he knows everything you have done. You can do this!"
posted at 11:06:00 on September 16, 2012 by beclean
hey guys    
"sorry im dragging this blog out like no other, but i had a couple questions...

1. if i do slip up in the night like at 12 or 1, then fall asleep, will the next morning start off at day 1, or should i start on day 0 because its technically the same day?

2. is it church "legal" to have a crush/ boyfriend or girlfriend (no dating) before youre 16? (this might be importiant because it could give more of a anchor not to slip up)

3. as many of you already know from my other blog, my dad's the bishop. im trying to find my recommend for the brigham city temple dedication this sunday. if i cant find it, then ill be forced to get another recommend. if i am truly trying (and i am), and have confessed my sins to the bishop already (and i hav3) does this mean i am cleansed from this sin, even though im still recovering?

4.i know this has been brought up in other blogs, but is M without lust still a sin? in many occasions, i had been innocent in slipping (thats how i got hooked, i had no idea what i was doing) and that would make my overall time of addiction shorter.

you guys, even if you see this comment just passing though, please answer my questions...

WE WILL ALL RECOVER!!!! may the light of chist be ever in your favor! -chis"
posted at 19:05:48 on September 17, 2012 by chiswright

1. It's a program of 24 hours at a time. If you slip at 1 a.m. then your first 24 hours of sobriety would end the next day at 1 a.m. There is no day zero. If you messed up six hours ago, then you are working on day one. 24 hours later would be day two.

2. I say go for it. Healthy friendships with the opposite sex can help get us out of our self-absorbed cycles. Just be careful not to get physical.

3. Ask your Dad. He has been called as your judge in Israel. He will have the answer, everyone here can only guess.

4. According to modern prophets masturbation is a sin. Anybody who says otherwise is putting himself in direct opposition with church doctrine and in danger of apostasy and consequently hell fire."
posted at 22:07:06 on September 17, 2012 by ette
hell fire    
"You make me laugh."
posted at 22:58:08 on September 17, 2012 by Anonymous
"Although it might be true, I put that last phrase in there with a little levity."
posted at 23:11:40 on September 17, 2012 by ette
My two bits    
"First of all, I agree with Ette. If I say anything that sounds like an argument, it isn’t. I may just be looking at it from a different angle.

1. I look at when I wake up as a new day and a fresh start. I have often stayed up very late and gotten into trouble. Sometimes it is so late that it has become early, but if I fall I usually consider it part of the day before I went to sleep. I heard someone speak one time who had over a decade of sobriety and he claimed his length of sobriety to be the number of hours and minutes since he woke up. I used to look at sobriety in 24 hour blocks, but now I just look at the time from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. It helps me sometimes when I am struggling to realize that I only have a few hours and then I can tuck another day into bed.

2. Healthy relationships with either gender are a good thing. They help us to relate to others, rather than isolate like our addiction wants us to do. If a “crush girlfriend” is like the ones I used to have (They never knew) I don’t think that would hurt. I would be careful about pairing off. Even if you are avoiding the “official date” but spending all kinds of time with each other, things can happen. I knew someone who got a boyfriend at 14 and married at 16. I would avoid getting physical at all, I wouldn’t even start holding hands if it were me.

3. I can’t say. Be honest and let him call it. You will have more peace in the end.

4. If someone truly doesn’t know they are committing sin then I wouldn’t think it is a sin. The scriptures talk about “those without the law”. On the other hand I started acting out before the official “age of accountability” at around 6. I didn’t really know what we were doing, but I knew it was wrong and would have been embarrassed/ashamed if I had been caught. Actually I wouldn’t worry too much about how long you have been addicted or knowingly sinning. The important thing is how long is it going to take for us to get out?

God loves you,
posted at 15:13:09 on September 18, 2012 by justjohn
"The one issue we love to freak out about, yet the one issue the church hardly talks about. Kind of annoying.

All fo you older people should out yourselves in a teenagers mind, instead of your old molded one sided view. The worlds not black and white, right and wrong. Its not, masturbate = hell and not masturbate = heaven. Its annoying.

If you are worried about masturbating, talk to your bishop. It's not such a grievous sin that every time you do it its like you did meth. Just see it as fight it as much ad you can bit dont freak out if you "slip" up."
posted at 21:02:31 on September 19, 2012 by Anonymous
Anonymous (Moroni),    
"I'm not saying people who masturbate go to hell. If that was the case I would burn long before you and CHISWRIGHT, since I've been in the addiction twice as long as you.

I do think members of our church who teach false doctrine and think they know more than the prophets are in danger of apostasy, and that also puts these members in danger of hell."
posted at 01:49:50 on September 20, 2012 by ette
"There certainly are details I could be missing but based on what I usually see people aren't disagreeing with you. Especially your last sentence. Freaking out about anything is part of addictive behavior and what keeps us in the cycle. Who's saying freak out about beatin off? Or anything else for that matter. I would assert not freaking out any more about meth than masturbation. It would only prove destructive. But maybe thats just me.

In India there is a teaching about blind men and an elephant. I know the story and could write my own version out but I'm just going to copy and past the Buddhas version from wiki:

A king has the blind men of the capital brought to the palace, where an elephant is brought in and they are asked to describe it.
"When the blind men had each felt a part of the elephant, the king went to each of them and said to each: 'Well, blind man, have you seen the elephant? Tell me, what sort of thing is an elephant?"
The men assert the elephant is either like a pot (the blind man who felt the elephants' head), a winnowing basket (ear), a plowshare (tusk), a plow (trunk), a granary (body), a pillar (foot), a mortar (back), a pestle (tail) or a brush (tip of the tail).
The men cannot agree with one another and come to blows over the question of what it is like and their dispute delights the king. The Buddha ends the story by comparing the blind men to preachers and scholars who are blind and ignorant and hold to their own views: "Just so are these preachers and scholars holding various views blind and unseeing.... In their ignorance they are by nature quarrelsome, wrangling, and disputatious, each maintaining reality is thus and thus." The Buddha then speaks the following verse:
O how they cling and wrangle, some who claim
For preacher and monk the honored name!
For, quarreling, each to his view they cling.
Such folk see only one side of a thing.

You're a smart cat Moroni. Anyone can win an argument. Your short sighted teenage view is just as retarded as the old and moldy view of the old timers. Seeing the whole elephant is wisdom. No one is necessarily disagreeing with your angle."
posted at 10:27:20 on September 20, 2012 by they_speak
"the link is worth checking out. good stuff in there. for example, is light a particle or wave? Dr. Henry Eyring talked about that in his book reflections of a scientist. Good stuff.

( )

“We have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.” -Werner Heisenberg"
posted at 10:36:04 on September 20, 2012 by they_speak
yes, i is    
"The anonymous. I feel like someone is watching me. Its kinda creeping me out. It was a past contact and I'm not sure if I should continue to revisit this site. That's the reason I commented anonymously, lol but I guess my opinion is so well known anybody can guess.

@ette I don't believe in hell. It doesn't scare me like Catholics try to do with many members. I fear NOT being in Heaven. Hell is nothing, if we base our decisions on fear, we're weak and don't truly understand our beliefs. as far as the apostasy thing, OK.

@They_Speak I'm not sure anyone has ever agreed with me. Maybe you acknowledging I think differently in the past but other people hate what I say.

Meth is a big deal compared to masturbation haha that was my point. I am still a youth, as you pointed out. It was only a few years ago that a battled masturbation. I hated it, but always succumbed to pleasure. And after I did, I hated myself. I was dirty, bad, not worthy of my future wife and family. Every single guilt out there was in my head. Why? Because I was young and naive. If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have been so hard on myself. I would've processed in my spiritual knowledge.

When I see someone young worried like I was, I try to help them so they dont make the same mistakes I did. That's why I write his I write.

I like your parable, if that's what it is. I understand what your saying, and I actually accept it. If anything, I wish people understood my view and how it relates to young folks. Because that what I usually comment on. I'm not talking about a 60 year old masturbating, what do I know of that. What I do know of is a teenager in the worst time in human history feeling awfuly guilty about masturbating. That's where I like to write about."
posted at 20:28:53 on September 20, 2012 by moronidenovo
Sadhu! (Amen)    
"Well said. I think you're on target."
posted at 20:38:49 on September 20, 2012 by they_speak

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006