By doanair
2/16/2007 9:45:14 AM
After our meeting last night I got thinking about what I have learned in recovery. One of the big lessons I am still trying to learn is how to accept and feel intimacy in the right way. Due to the length and depth of my addiction, I have always had a skewed view of intimacy. I always thought intimacy and s_x were the same thing. NOT TRUE! I always thought love and s_x were very well related. NOT TRUE! I thought one of the biggest parts of s_x was about feeling good. NOT TRUE!

With the help of counselors, recovery meetings and the 12 steps, I realized I have a real problem with understanding real intimacy. I am now beginning to understand more about what intimacy is and isn’t. I have always taken what seems to be the teenage, 14-year-old boy approach to intimacy. It could also be called the “dog in heat” approach, I guess. It is the cold, unfeeling and self-serving approach. The “I just want to feel good” or “I just need relief” approach. NOT GOOD! I am starting to learn the adult, mature approach which is not taught by the world or by p_rn. Intimacy is caring deeply about someone. Looking into their eyes and seeing the years of pain and joy you both have shared. Looking at the person and feeling overwhelming gratitude for their support and forgiveness. Remembering the trials and problems you both faced and overcame with Christ’s support and power. Feeling the love God has for that person. Seeing inside the person’s heart, with all the flaws and blemishes and looking past those things to their Godly Potential. I start to see those things now instead of that dumb carnal desire to feel good.

My marriage and the way I treat my wife and talk to her have changed. It needed to change. I thought that recovery might change my “s_x drive” or ruin that aspect of my life. Instead it has changed into something beautiful and so much more fulfilling and meaningful to me. Marriage is more fulfilling to me because I see and experience all of this on a different level. What a blessing.

I was listening to a talk the other day about marriage and parenthood. The person said that God expects us to live a “higher law”, not the lesser laws that are easier to live. He expects us to stop living the Law of Retribution and to live a higher law of forgiveness, respect and charity. The same applies to my marriage and intimacy. God wants me to overcome the desires of the flesh and live a higher law. He wants to help me gain command over my passions and appetites, not let myself be controlled by them.


"I think my husband has often had these same ideas and feelings. It is really hard for me to get over alot of this. I felt our intimate relationship was really good. For me intimacy and s_x was a special, fun, romantic and exciting way of expressing our love for each other. It was to make the other person feel good but also a bond of bringing us closer together and something only we shared. I really had no idea there was this whole other twisted, ed abuse of such a specail and sacred power or bond that was meant for only husband and wife.
So now often times in my head I think its my responsiblilty to live up to all these other women. To have our relationship expressed in this sort of twisted view because that is the way my husband likes it, that is the way I need to be for him because I guess ultimately I don't want him to go looking for it somewhere else. But that is so wrong. Everything about this addiction is so wrong and sometimes it is hard to realize that my husbands thinking has been so warped for so many years and he has to completely change his thinking.
I hope my husband's thinking has been changing. And I guess I find hope in knowing that Doanair's has. I want my husband to see our relationship the way it was meant to be, the way God intended it to be, so that we really can become one.
Once I even had to ask my husband what my name was in the middle of things just to see if his mind was really on me and not somewhere else. How hurtful this addiction is to one of the most sacred and special sacraments of this earth (as Elder Holland calls it.)"
posted at 14:00:39 on February 17, 2007 by Anonymous

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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation”. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006