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It's been 65 days
By they_speak
8/20/2012 11:30:35 PM
Since I came back here with renewed determination to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I've only been to 26. I just got back from nearly a month long Tahoe vacation/meditation retreat which was awesome because it's been basically a month of free sobriety. Like I said it certainly served to show me what an addict I am. It seems almost my entire personality is driven by craving and aversion and reacting to those feelings accordingly. I feel the meditation I learned helped me look outside myself and see those things as they occur and showed me a third option, equanimity/choice/surrender. At the same time it drove home how over powering my sexual addictions are and re-enforced step 1 for me. At this point I don't think I have power to respond equanimously with out working a 12 step program.

So here I am. I need meetings. I need dailies. I need my sponsors help. I need to work step 4. I've been in and out of the 12 steps for 8 years and never done step 4. It's been said that sobriety will be shaky at best until this pivotal step is taken. "It is time" -Rafiki (The Lion King).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Bj0CiJLB1c

Comments:

Craving and aversion    
"Wow! That "aversion" word reached out and hit my heart and mind like a Tazer. I had never thought about my "aversions". Is that the same as "avoidance" or "evasion"? Please help me with this, I think I'm about to find out something about myself (though not flattering) that will help me to deal with my addiction and some huge psychologically based spiritual problems that I have.

I'm thinking that this is the reverse side of the coin of my addiction, and that I need to know both sides in order to succeed at overcoming my addiction (MB). As I type this, I'm already beginning to know what I'm evading, and it's not something bad about me, it's more like Jonah. Yeah, that's me alright, just wanting to be anonymous, the gray man that nobody sees."
posted at 22:06:04 on August 23, 2012 by dog
Yeah I think so    
"a·ver·sion [uh-vur-zhuhn, -shuhn]
noun
1. a strong feeling of dislike, opposition, repugnance, or antipathy (usually followed by to ): a strong aversion to snakes and spiders.
2. a cause or object of dislike; person or thing that causes antipathy: His pet aversion is guests who are always late.
3. Obsolete . the act of averting; a turning away or preventing.

The idea of aversion had a fair impact on me as well.

A cavet from my experience: I've never won an intellectual based battle in addiction. It's something of the heart. Intuition. I can study powerlessness till the day I die and not know a damn thing about. It seems I can only understand things spiritually be it the 4 noble truths, the book of mormon, meditation, repentance, prayer, or the 12 steps, by my own experience and revelation. The head game, for me, should only be a means to prayer and revelation not true understanding itself."
posted at 18:13:03 on August 26, 2012 by They_Speak


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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990