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Why can't I get myself to rock the boat?
By change4good
8/10/2012 9:14:40 PM
The more time I spend with my wife and tell her I love her, the more difficult it is getting to confess. I must sound like a total coward but I have kept this horrible sin to myself for so long that it seems impossible to share it. I also don't know if blaming it on an addiction all the time is going to help matters. That is an "excuse" that I have assigned to my choices. It is becoming apparent more and more that choices that I made freely in the past have formed the addiction that I suffer from now but how does that explain away anything? I have no excuse and perhaps that is the best response I can give. I have no excuse. I was wicked on purpose and I repeated the behavior so many times that I eventually couldn't stop myself. I mean my addiction was not thrust upon me. It is part of my past moral character. She will always see me that way. I feel that she will equate what I have done to adultery. But I have never wished to be with anyone else besides her. Right now it is so different and I feel so trapped with the choices I have made. The more I go over my confession in my head, the more I find no sympathy for myself. Plus, I am now starting to feel better from having abstained for this long and my confidence is growing that I will never act out again. I think that this a pattern that is all to familiar. Would I forgive if the roles were reversed? Would I be able to cope with an addict for the rest of my life? Will it hurt her more if she hears about it later down the road after I have abstained for a longer amount of time? I know that procrastination of repentance is a very dangerous road but I am so bound to my wife and she is so pleased to have me (as she sees me) in her life. I cannot believe that I have let myself slip so far down into the mists of darkness. I guess the choice is clear: I can confess and try to rebuild our lives, or I can stay silent and reap damnation in the future. I need to develop my relationship with my Heavenly Father and ask for humility because I am starting to feel more comfortable and happy around my wife instead of guilty and pained. I'm sure that I'll just have good days and bad.

Sorry for being such a sob story.

Comments:

You need support    
"I really recommend you get in to see your Bishop first and get a blessing. It's apparent the adversary is working on you pretty hard. He is telling you to hide it.

Let me guess, it sounds something like this..

"Hide that dirty little secret. If you don't you're life will be ruined. Your wife will hate you. She will never want to touch you again. If you tell, she is going to tell the entire world and berate you. It's ok to not tell anyway because you'll never do it again. It was just a bad choice you made. You can just tell God and that's good enough. If you don't tell you can go on like nothing happened and everything will be fine. You are protecting your wife by not telling her"....

All lies my friend, all lies.

Of course not telling is the easy way out. But you have to ask yourself the question. Do you love your Savior more than your addiction? The Savior requires that you come completely clean.

....."
posted at 22:10:02 on August 10, 2012 by siouxsie
The Way I see it    
"It can be worse. You can commit adultery or go to a strip club. why not go to a massage parlor by yourself? How about a casual encounter on Craiglist?

You haven't done any of that, but trust me when I say that if you go down the road of secracy, all of that can happen a lot faster. You will hide one thing then another, and your guilt will help you achieve all of that.

Again, figure out how you will confess. Then figure out how you will deall with your wife's devastation, emotion, anger, sadness. Everything, prepare for it all. Once your ready, take a leap of faith."
posted at 03:02:24 on August 11, 2012 by moronidenovo
The answers    
"We may not have all of the answers to your questions, even though we give advice. I'm confident that you will figure out how to best handle your situation. Prayers sent up for you."
posted at 06:20:04 on August 11, 2012 by Anonymous
I appreciate your comments    
"All of you have helped a great deal. I know what must be done, I know it, I know it. You hit the nail directly on the head, siouxsie. All of those fears and excuses are right in the front of my mind. I need to confess and reach out for help. How will my wife believe that I love her when I have looked at other women and have done so for years? I have realized more and more since I quit how much I love and need my wife. That is what is making confession so hard. I guess my faith in her ability for forgiveness is shaken. Plus, I know that after confession that life will become even more difficult because she probably will withhold affection and I will have to walk on egg shells for years. I think that a big thing that will be difficult to explain is how I could allow myself to repeat my actions so many times over the past year with seemingly no remorse or change in my countenance. "How could you treat me the same and stay all happy and loving around me when you had just been unfaithful the same day?" I don't know what I'll say, to this and many other questions. I can't even imagine all the questions she will ask."
posted at 11:17:05 on August 11, 2012 by change4good
Atonement    
"You are also underestimating the power of the Atonement. The Atonement makes things whole again. IT doesn't just heal it enough till it's functional. THe Atonement heals it completely and makes it stronger.

Trust God."
posted at 20:39:12 on August 11, 2012 by siouxsie
IF you continue    
"you will lose her anyways. The further down the path, the harder for you and her to recover. There are no guarantees. If you think she can not feel something is off, you are wrong. Her spirit knows and she is suffering inside, telling her the truth would be the most loving thing you have ever done. She gave you everything and you have done nothing but deceive her. She deserve honesty, complete total honesty! If you truly love her as you say you do, you should choose to give her the honesty she deserves.
good luck"
posted at 20:55:03 on August 12, 2012 by Anonymous
@Hurtallover    
"Hey--What is CSAT?

Also, I committed acts worse than porn/masturbation and, No Joke, when I asked my bishop whether or not I had to tell my spouse, my bishop said no. Seriously. But I wound up telling my spouse anyway."
posted at 08:50:59 on August 13, 2012 by Anonymous
That sounds strange    
"First of all, I cannot imagine a bishop telling you that you don't have to tell your wife. That seems to be part of making restitutions. Second of all, if i confessed to the bishop and he told me that I didn't have to confess to my wife, I'm not sure if I would be able to carry around this guilt forever. But, perhaps if the bishop gave you assurances that you had been forgiven and the spirit confirmed it, then you would no longer carry the guilt. Also, if you did things worse than porn/masturbation, then I don't know how you would have gotten by without some sort of formal discipline. If I were on formal probation, disfellowshipped, or excommunicated, then that would be impossible to hide from my wife. I wouldn't have home teachees, a calling, I couldn't take the sacrament, there would just be too many things that my wife would notice are wrong with my church activity. Telling my wife that I have been unfaithful is the worst thing I can possibly imagine doing in my life. Every time I contemplate doing it, I fall to the ground and cry. I am still procrastinating because every time she comes home from work and we embrace, I cannot get myself to shatter the safety and love that we share. When I return to work (I have been off on summer break), I'm not sure if I will be able to function. When I have conversations with people lately, I have a hard time focusing because I am constantly thinking about what an awful person I am to have done this. I can't believe that my life has come to this horrible place because of my terrible decisions."
posted at 10:56:33 on August 13, 2012 by change4good
From a wife's perspective    
"I agree 100% with Hurt. I just want to quickly say that I wish my husband had had some skills in recovery before I found out as well. It would have been very helpful for both of us. I also want to emphasize that having a therapist and a bishop and keeping the two seperate has been a critical factor in getting our lives on track. I am not advocating postponing telling your wife for a long time, but it would have been amazing for us if there was some tools in the tool bag before the floor fell out from under me. Just my .02"
posted at 13:53:54 on August 15, 2012 by maddy


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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990