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Spouses of addicts
By change4good
8/9/2012 2:40:03 PM
In preparation of telling my wife about my sexual addiction, I was wondering if any spouses of addicts could share their story of how the news was broken to them. What were the circumstances? What was said? What were your immediate thoughts? What actions did you feel like taking and which ones did you actually take? Did you feel that you no longer loved him/her? Are you on the road to recovery with your spouse? How has the journey been? Do you see your relationship coming back to how it was before? Do you feel that it never will? Do you feel that it might be even better than before? Did you feel the need to share the news with family? Has he done what he could to repair the damages he caused? Will you still be a good, functional family? Is there hope? Any other thoughts?

I appreciate what the people on this site have done for me. It feels very good to talk to people who have already been there and to hear reassuring words. I hope that I am not being too forward in asking spouses to share their personal stories. What ever you feel that you can share would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Comments:

Reply    
"What were the circumstances?

I caught him. But, previously, he confessed to me that he had been having problems with something he's never had problems with before.

What was said?

I didn't do that.

What were your immediate thoughts?
I don't want to be in this situation anymore. I'm outta here.

What actions did you feel like taking and which ones did you actually take?
I felt like leaving him. I left him, but took him with me (it seems this happens often. I've seen others say this same thing). I was really, really mad at him for a loooong time.

Did you feel that you no longer loved him/her?
No.

Are you on the road to recovery with your spouse?
Yes.

How has the journey been?
Really hard. But I've learned how to really Love.

Do you see your relationship coming back to how it was before?
No. But I feel it can be better than before.

Did you feel the need to share the news with family?
Yes. But I feel this was a big mistake.

Has he done what he could to repair the damages he caused?
He's tried to fix himself on his own, but sometimes he slips. He hasn't been involved in a 12 step program.

Will you still be a good, functional family?
Hopefully, one day.

Is there hope?
There is ALWAYS hope

Any other thoughts?
Beware of F.E.A.R.--False Evidence Appearing Real (Sobriety tip)"
posted at 16:15:58 on August 9, 2012 by Anonymous
Reply    
"I just have to say that YOU need to take the opportunity to be the one who actually tells her. It will be a lot better than her finding out on her own. And, be honest...totally honest. It will save her a lot of heartache and will help her trust again sooner rather than continuing to give her reasons to doubt you and not trust you. Don't continue to lie during the healing process."
posted at 16:39:23 on August 9, 2012 by Anonymous
CHANGE4GOOD    
"Please tell your wife the whole truth the first time. Don't drag it out. I caught my husband! I wish he would have come to me and confessed. My husband kept his addiction hidden for 8+ years and five kids later. Please don't keep anything hidden from her no matter how much the truth will hurt her it is so much better than being lied to over and over again."
posted at 18:16:57 on August 9, 2012 by MOMOF5
Answers...    
"What were the circumstances?

Which time? There have been many. I have caught him and he has confessed. Between the two, the times that he came clean on his own left me with WAYYY more trust in him than the times I discovered evidence. Also - my husband and i made a pact with one another - that we would tell eachother within 48 hours if we ever slipped. He didn't keep his word this last time on that... but when we made the pact it helped release a lot of anxiety in me so I didn't have to always wonder.

What was said? What were your immediate thoughts? What actions did you feel like taking and which ones did you actually take?


I think you are reaching for advice on what to say and how to say it. This is -personal and should be very individual. Pray about it and ask the Spirit to direct your words. He will. Also keep in mind that the thoughts/actions I had won't be the same as your wifes. Heck, no one is the same. So to base what her reaction is going to be like on what my reaction was - it's living in a "what if" world. What if worlds are fake. They aren't reality. You are kind of stuck in your head with this. I know it's hard but tell your head to hush anytime you start obsessing about what to say or what's going to happen. You'll never hear the Spirit with all that mental chatter:-)


Did you feel that you no longer loved him/her?

No, never. In fact, I loved him MORE when he told me. That's not to say I wasn't upset - but I loved him so much because I knew he wanted to be clean.

Are you on the road to recovery with your spouse? How has the journey been?

Yup! It's wonderful! We talk about recovery all the time. We have special moment when each of us get home from our specific groups and talk about what we've learned. I feel like I can talk about my Eternal hopes and dreams now:-)

Do you see your relationship coming back to how it was before? Do you feel that it never will? Do you feel that it might be even better than before?

No never. I never want my relationship to be what it was before because that would be backsliding. I want it always to be better than what it was before - and yes, that is happening:-)

Did you feel the need to share the news with family?

No. Neither of us told our families for a very long time and when we did - it was up to the person whose family it was. My husband finally told his mom after about a year into recovery. I told his mom about me about 6 months after that and then I just recently told my mom... which was kind of forced because I was going to be on TV talking about addicito recovery and I wanted her to hear it from me rather than the TV.

Has he done what he could to repair the damages he caused?

Yes, although he seems to be backsliding on his dailies again which worries me. As an addict myself I know what it takes to sustain my recovery so if I notice my husband slacking in those things I know it's setting him up for another slip and that's worrisome.

Will you still be a good, functional family? Is there hope? Any other thoughts?

Yes, yes (always) and I think I've said a lot lol. I'm a talker if you can't tell.

Anyway - keep venting here if you need to. Put the mental chatter here. But when you do - let the anxiety dissipate. You are loved.

Chin up! You can do this!

Sidreis"
posted at 21:35:51 on August 9, 2012 by siouxsie
My story    
"My story is really not any different from what you have heard above.

I caught my husband over and over and over again and he still tried to lie and cover it up even with the evidence right in front of us. That is why addiction is truly a form of insanity...it is an altered reality.

I want to really emphasize what Momof5 said. Tell her the whole truth all at once and leave nothing out. That does not, DOES NOT mean that you tell her the details. She does not need details. Most women ask for them....I did, but it will linger in her brain like a nightmare that she can't get rid of. She does not need to know the color of her hair or what 'you are into'. The details are poison. Tell her what you would tell her in front of a bishop with as much detail as you would give a bishop.

I immediately went into a codependent spin. I believed it was my fault for not being 'enough' for my husband. I believed he was a pervert. I never wanted him to touch me again. I wanted to have sex immediately to 'make him stop'. I wanted a divorce. I fantasized about how my life 'could have been' and 'should have been' if I hadn't married an addict. Yea....I felt it all. BUT that is codependency addiction and once I started on my own road of recovery I stopped all that nonsense.

Now: I am grateful for my husbands addictions and my own codependency because it has been a journey that has taught me sacred truths about forgiveness and repentence and has brought me closer to my Savior. I am deeply in love with my husband and ALL of him, without lies and fear. i can see him as he really is weak and strong and see myself the same way. It is so much better than the 'pretend' life we had before even with the weakness out there in front. It took me a solid year of deep recovery work to get that perspective, but 14 years of toying with recovery before I committed to it's principles.

I suggest you check out "Helping her Heal" by Dr Weiss and the book "He Restoreth My Soul" they will help prepare you for things to do and NOT to do as you tell your wife and start recovery.

Good luck."
posted at 11:22:01 on August 10, 2012 by maddy


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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002