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I think I need to intro myself...
By siouxsie
8/7/2012 12:14:30 PM
I fear I have given the wrong impression... that I'm here to preach and tell all of you how to achieve recovery. If I have done this, I am sorry. That is not my intention at all.

I want to just give a brief rundown of my story so you guys can get a glimpse of who I was and maybe who I am now.

I was born in a small town in South Dakota on the Lakota Sioux reservation. My parents divorced when i was a year old and my mom moved with her and myself to eastern Montana. My mom wasn't around much then because she worked long hours for the railroad. She would leave me with my great grand aunt - she was like my grandma and I have very fond memories of her. A few years passed and my mom met my step dad. They married and he adopted me and I was sealed to him as well. They quickly had 3 more children (I was 6 when the first was born). My step dad wasn't around much because he worked a lot and when he was around he was the disciplinarian.

Basically I have a lot of abandonment issues between the two dads. My bio dad left and signed the adoption papers to give me away... and my step dad didn't ever show affection and wasn't available really, at all.

My addiction started early. I remember playing the I'll show you mine if you show me yours game with other kids starting when I was about 4. It grew into a more burning curiousity when my parents would bring home R movies when sexual content in them and at the tender age of 10 I would sit in my living room and fast forward the VCR to watch these scenes. Where was mom? I dunno!

I discovered masturbation by accident at around 13. Stuff can happen simply when washing in the shower and boom... hooked on that. And it all went downhil from there...

I was completely unpopular in HS... teased and ridiculed all the time. It was awful. I tried to committ suicide when I was 16. Got hauled out on a stretcher in front of the entire school. I'd OD'd on my moms pills and then went to school. When my VP called me in to write me a referall for ditching I exploded in tears and spilled handfuls of pills on his desk. He called the ambulance.

After that I was back up to Montana away from my family (I was living in Cali at the time)... all through this I never got a break from the masturbation. it was my one numbing agent. It's all I had. I would have been addicted to pornography too but didn't have access to it. Although I tried - I remember spending countless hours numbing out to fuzzy screens at homes I would babysit in. Once the kids would be in bed I'd find scrambled adult channels and just listen to the audio and hope for glimpses of something. so I guess you could say I was already addicted to it, even though I didn't have access to it.

At 18 I moved in with a guy (he was 27) - the entire relationship was terribly abusive. With him I discovered hardcore pornography, drugs, drinking and darkness I'd never before experienced. That lasted about 18 months.

At the end of that 18 months and we were splitting I gave myself two options. 1. I could go prostitute myself. I knew I'd be good at it because I'd been well trained. I felt like I was a piece of meat that was only good for satisfying men and I was good at it. Or 2. Go see my bishop. It seemed the hardest thing I could ever do but I went and say my bishop. I seriously must have had an army of angels pushing me toward that decision because I really believed that prostitution was the easier road. But I'm grateful that wasn't the path I chose.

That began a short road to a little bit of recovery. I did struggle for a while though. I was addicted to the guy so he'd keep coming back and I'd let him. Or, because i'd learned that to feel love I'd have to give it up - I had a few relationships in which that's all it was. It was hard - but I worked.

I worked dilligently with my bishop and repented of everything that happened with the man I lived with and the encounters I had after leaving him. Although, I didn't repent of my masturbation or pornography problem. I had such deep imbedded shame about that. I thought that if I just got some time away from it that it was ok. I remember at the end... when I was getting ready to receive my endowment I mentioned it to my bishop... "I think I need to mention that I used to have a masturbation problem'... I was terribly uncomfortable... and he was too... so it was quickly mentioned and just as quickly dropped.

Went through the temple, all was awesome. Moved to Utah. Got marrried, although for the wrong reasons, we are still together today and are doing well. We have 3 beautiful boys and life is pretty good.

But that was prior to finding recovery 3 years ago. For the first 10 years of our marriage I continued to struggle. Oh man. We would have premoium channels and ya, I'd get it all there. Or the internet. I was too ashamed to tell anyone... or, actually - to be accountable - I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to give it up.

About 3 years in though I felt so sick that I knew it was time. I knew I needed help. I went to that bishop and he didn't really see it as an addiction. he worked with me to give up current actions but he was more of the mindset that it's just a behavior I could stop. I knew differently. I started looking for books and help on sexual addiction. Althought I found a lot of books that talked about what it was, I didn't find much help on how to battle it and manage it. I did find a therapist who ran a sex addiction program in SLC but it was $100 an hour and realistically, who has that?

So withouth the help I needed I quickly fell back into it. 7 more years of active addiction passed and my poor brain must have looked like a raisin I swear (you can laugh:-)... and then I found my current bishop.

God is so good I am telling you.... but I don't want to tell that story here... because I already wrote it and it's going to be published on the ARP website soon (I just got word of that a week or so ago)... so once that's put up I'll link it here and you can read my road to recovery.

Today I have 699 days. But let me tell you, I still struggle. I don't want you to think that because my posts are positive that I don't struggle. I have had 4 user dreams in the past 3 days... I trigger all the time. I get really low. But I am fighting. I won't give up.

Also - you notice I use my real name. That's because I don't hide anymore. I'm not saying there isn't a place for hiding. I hid a loooooong time. But for me, it's time to not hide. So here I am, Sidreis, daughter of God, recoverying from a sexual addiction. Take me or leave me, but that's who I am.

Anyway - that's me in a nutshell.

Thanks for stickin with me..

Sidreis
bythelightofgrace.blogspot.com

Comments:

Welcome, Sid!    
"We really need good recovering women like you! You are a great addition to the site and to the recovery community. Keep up the good work!"
posted at 09:51:57 on August 8, 2012 by Anonymous
Nice to meet you, Officialy    
"I definitely hope I don't offend you with my comment back there. But I can see instead of getting mad you saw it a different way and wrote this, which is great! Sometimes when readers see a great comment, they look into the Bloggers past and it helps to understand them more. That's why I encourage anonymous people to make an account because it give a track record and builds a connection.

you have an amazing story. You are valuable to people here because you are an example of what we could be. Like you said before, a beacon of ligh or something lol. Thanks again:)"
posted at 21:53:11 on August 8, 2012 by moronidenovo
:-)    
"No no you didn't offend me at all. I just hadn't thought of it from that perspective so I welcomed the comment. :-) It prompted me to share a bit more so it's all good!

Thank you, I appreciate your words!

Sidreis:-)"
posted at 01:31:44 on August 9, 2012 by siouxsie


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987