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Trying to build back my relationship with my wife
By WorkingOnUs
8/5/2012 12:41:51 AM
Approx. 59 days ago I came clean to my wife. I am a recovering addict to porn and mb. I crushed her with my confession but I could not live this life anymore. We went and spoke to a counselor in the Stk. Pres the next day and our Bishop also. I failed to mention we've been married 11 years with amazing kids.

I have been clean since I confessed. The real struggle for me right now is building an emotional connection with her. I ache for her and myself, we are both in a world we never wanted to be in. She says that she always knew something was wrong but didn't know what it could be. I get moody, depressed and downright mean at times always trying to deflect criticism towards me. I am doing so much better now, trying to help her more, still tell her I love her, do little projects to show my devotion, communicate my feelings...I am going to the LDS AR meetings and LOVE them and we have been seeing an LDS family svc counselor. But, she still can't even hold my hand or let me touch her arm, nothing. This is so painful for me but I know her pain is terrible as well. What do I do? Can any women give me some advice on how to connect emotionally? I suck at it but want to improve and repair. I hate my old life. I want to be a better man for me, her, our children, Savior and friends.

I feel tension inside at times and can't see the triggers...all I know is I still snap (never yell) occasionally and can be hurtful. I need to overcome and hold her up, I'm afraid I'm breaking us down more and wonder if I have a sabotaging personality

Thanks for any helpful suggestions... I'm new here.

Comments:

Ruggaexpat    
"Check out Ruggaexpat's posts. He was in a very similar experience and received a lot of good advice from the wives in this site. For nearly a year he recorded their work and progress toward recovery.

It sounds like you are taking the right steps and working on the right things. It will take time, but healing can happen.

Good luck brother!"
posted at 08:02:59 on August 5, 2012 by Anonymous
I can relate Brother    
"There are clues that you have noticed a similar common thread in your life.

I am not sure if you know much about Freudian psychoanalytic theory but I can take a page out of his book and use his iceberg analogy to describe the inner workings of what I will refer to my skrewed up self. I should trademark that one.

Anyway - my addiction is very much like an iceberg. On the surface It does not look very big. The top part over the surface of the water is easy to spot. However submerged under the surface is a massive mass of ice that makes the top part look small.

I have learned that the porn is a small part of the addiction, it is the top, I can see it, I know it is there, I know when I am heading towards it and I know what to do to avoid it. The larger part of the berg is hidden, mysterious and the bottom reaches an incredible depth. I believe that this hidden ice mass represents the true meaning of my addiction - My struggle and associated habits of witholding love from my loved ones. As a newbie this might sound like BS but at the end of the day, I don't struggle with porn, I can stay away from it but I struggle with consistency in sharing love with my loved ones.

If you think about it constantly for 2.5 years like I have, you realize the porn was a fix for your need for love and pure emotional intimacy. My family did not provide the love I needed so I found a "pavement special" version readily available, cheap and user friendly. By the time I tried it out, I was so used to the brand name because of a very cleverly crafted marketing message I was continuously exposed to and the fact that I could not find the real product (love) I was looking for.

Back to the iceberg analogy - I do not know how to share true love or show true love CONSISTENTLY because all my life I played with and shared the cheaper kind that we both know so well. This cheaper love is what defines my thoughts, words, actions, habits, life and character. I hate to admit this but look at my habits and my actions throughout my life and you see one selfish dude who wants to truely love but does not.

I am unlearning a lot of things and will be for such a long time. I am learning to truely love but honestly that is hard because deep down inside there is real resistance. That resistance or internal conflict rages all the time. I know that there is this conflict and that tells me that in the past I chose willingly and wholeheartedly to withold love from my loved ones - especially my wife. Boy that is hard to admit but it is true.

It all boils down to this - If I truely loved my wife, I would put her first CONSITENTLY and not just when it suited my needs - it must suit hers always. That did not happen ever and at times still does not happen but I am aware of why and I am more aware of the inner workings. I can honestly say I love my wife but I cannot show that all the time. I am learning to every new day. I am just grateful she is still allowing me to learn. She has suffered too much still she soldiers on. THAT BROTHER IS TRUE LOVE, SOMETHING I ADMIT I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT.

The best gift you can give your wife is not your hand to hold, service in the house or time to heal. You need to give her your heart, no matter how small, sick, black, broken or disfunctional it is, you need to be able each day to pull it out and let her see it, disect it, study it and understand everything related to it. She has just taken a dive and seen how big the iceberg is and right now she cannot see the bottom.

Let me not discourage you but my wife still gets angry with me and we have not had any sexual relations since I confessed 2.5 years ago. I slept in the basement (separate from the house) for 4 months, slept on the couch for 6 months and only got invited back into the bedroom after one year. This year alone I have slept in the spare room a couple times. We argue a lot, she still cries a great deal, basically what I am trying to say is that it is the longest road I will ever travel. It sucks bad but it is necessary. I thought it would take a few months and she would see my good works and glorify my changes. That was the summit of my denial. Give her as much time as she needs to process all the muck (anger, resentment, regret, shame, guilt, etc.)

Back to the iceberg analogy but now assuming my new role - In the beginning of the healing process right after confession, I was acting like the captain of the Titanic, in full denial of the damage that was done to the ship (relationship). My wife was onboard fearing for her life and soul and more than once I tried to encourage her to calm down enjoy her meal when the ship was sinking. To this day my wife is wondering why she ever boarded my ship and did not take another. Sounds like you guys are being lowered into a rowing boat in the middle of the sea while your wife waves goodbye to her personal belongings and the dream she always had of reaching land with all she holds dear. My wife and I are still rowing together, but we are off the sinking ship, we survived (just barely) and she has grieved the loss of her dreams and former life. Some days we row in tandem and others one of us rows while the other refuses but we are always moving forward. She reminds me often of my bad choices and that is never fun but she does it because she still has to rely on me to get her back on dry ground. I still have a role to play but it is harder.

Enough analogy - this has been good for me to write this but hang in there this is just the beginning. I can promise you though that it does get better. Just take it all one day at a time.

God Bless"
posted at 21:47:38 on August 5, 2012 by ruggaexpat
wow...    
"Well said man, well said. Thanks for sharing."
posted at 22:42:15 on August 5, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
Time    
"Time, patience, love and prayer....

Those are my answers. I am an addict myself but I am also the wife of an addict so I have the fortune of sweeping both sides of the street. The one thing I have learned is to focus on my own recovery (both, when acting as an addict AND a codependent) and the Lord handles the rest. I can only deliver unto the altar my own sacrifices which bring miracles, I can't offer anything on behalf of my husband.

So my advice to you is to follow the Savior and work on being as much like Him as you can possibly be. Pray for your wife and pray for yourself. But then just trust God. She is His daughter too - if she allows it, the Savior will heal her just as He is healing you.

:-)

Sidreis"
posted at 22:47:25 on August 5, 2012 by siouxsie
Working...toward a new "normal".    
"All of my favorite posters here...much wisdom. Ive been at this now for over 1000 days, and most days are great. we went through the usual routine of anger, hatred, more anger, no intimacy etc. Some days I was sure she would pack it all up and call it quits. Luckily we've been together over 25 years and aren't a part of the "disposable marriage" generation. As painful as it has been we kept doing the small and simple things, believing that prayer, fasting, attending our 12 step meetings etc. would be the key to coming out of this whole. What we've realized recently is that our recovery has no point of reference. I've been addicted to porn since my early teens, and carried it into the marriage. While we kept looking for a point to return to, like a Windows "restore", we kept falling short, but had high expectations. We finally figured out that we would have to create our own new "normal" by starting many of the key intimacy components of our relationship from scratch. We pray together regularly and often. We observe date night religiously and we both attend separate recovery meetings vital to our success. Hang in there brother...The road can be long, but from where I sit it looks like it will be well worth the effort from both of us."
posted at 10:14:47 on August 6, 2012 by chefdalet
Also...    
"I also have this intimacy paper... my bishop got it from a therapist. It has on one side "God Ordained Intimacy" and then on the other it has "Worldly Sex"... this has helped my husband and I really keep focused on the beauty of intimacy rather than the carnal aspect of it. This list has also helped me realize what offends the Spirit. If anyone is interested in a copy you can email me at bythelightofgrace@gmail.com and I'd be happy to email it to you.

Thanks,

Sidreis"
posted at 12:12:11 on August 6, 2012 by siouxsie
This is Workingonus.    
"Login isn't working, nor the help button.

Thank you all for the wisdom and sharing your experiences. I thank God for you and for the good side of modern technology. I was eight when my folks were divorced. I have very few memories of them together, but they were. My world was torn apart in their divorce and I had no idea what was happening. I stopped sharing my feelings at that moment, to anyone, ever. I pretended everything was fine but it wasn't. I thought I was somehow responsible. My dad had a rebound marriage within a year to a woman that hated me because I reminded her of her son who had passed away. I moved back n forth so many times during the next couple years. My mom started drinking and smoking and tried to commit suicide on three occasssions I can remember. I remember visiting her in the insane asylum as a kid and the lady behind the window buzzing us behind a thick strong door that clanked as it locked behind us kids do we could visit our mom. Wow that hurt. I saw my first playboy at eight and was fascinated by the differences in our bodies. I didn't see another one until 12 and by this point I was so deep inside myself that I continued to pretend everything was fine to everyone because I was "supposed" to be strong. My dads second marriage ended after 1 year. I went to six elementary schools and that too was enough to make me turn inward. The thing is though I always had a strong testimony of the gospel and had several strong experiences that kept my desires focused on the gospel and wanting to succeed but my strength was always too little to keep me in firm footings. I began mb at 12. This continued off and on as parents were both remarried and I continued to move often. Three high schools. My dad had a very strong temper, my bro and I hardly talked and I grew to resent my mom and her choices... I despised them and so I stopped talking to her, hid from her for several years. It was easier not to face my issues but hide them away. I wished for a different life. From then on I had a problem with Mb and apart from the very occasional R rated movie sex scene I never looked at porn from spprox 13-marriage. But, mb was always there as my coping mechanism. I worked really hard on myself, my testimony, my love of the gospel for a couple years before my mission and kept myself clean in order to serve. I slipped a few times with Mb and even caught a comp having the same issues although he didn't know I saw him. I told my mission pres of my challenges and received blessings and had a very successful mission. Mb returned after the mission however. Not studying and working on myself constantly plus the stresses of being on my own immediately and having to provide for myself, seeing others attend college and not feeling adequate or smart enough took me into self-pity exactly where Satan wanted me. I persevered and spike to my bishop who told me exercise would cure the Mb and that I didn't have to share this with the stake Pres during my interview because I already repented of it... That never sat quite right with me. For a time I forsook mb again and was strong and happy dating, having fun and met my wife who blew me away. She is amazing on all facets of her life. We connected quickly on an emotionally intimate level, she had my heart and i felt love and a need for her in my life like no other woman ever, and were married 9 months later. Then stresses started all over again, the honeymoon was over and I couldn't handle the changes. I was jealous, fearful of rejection, I felt unattractive to her, I felt like she didn't want to be intimate ever (or enough for me) and I became angry at times. Never physical but emotionally I could throw a mean right hook when I felt attacked. This was not true love , although we had great times intermixed too, happy days and trips, etc. but I would revert back to mr. Self-pity and defense often. My wife was of course confused and hurt and lost the emotional connection bit by bit but tried so hard as well... And I reverted back into my childhood defenses and never talked about my problems, feelings or issues and of course never told her of my previous mb issues. Then the computer purchase came along and time wasted surfing the net when pictures popped up in favorite photo sharing sites...boy this quickly had an alure to self medicate with mb and pretend everything else was fine. How wrong I was, how horrible the trap I fell into. I then began to view often or whenever the stresses of life were too great. After every occurrence I hated myself, prayed for forgiveness, promised myself I'd never do it again but we know how that goes. Fast forward 11 years. Now we have children and many good times, but really, really tough financial and emotional times too, all the while I pretended nothing was wrong but threw another brick in my back pack of shame. We disagreed m"
posted at 23:08:56 on August 6, 2012 by Anonymous
Continued    
"I'll continue later..."
posted at 23:15:21 on August 6, 2012 by Anonymous
you should mqke your last comment and "continued" a new post    
"since it seems like new information and story. I think you will like to look back and see different blogs, see different parts of yourself and how much you've grown.

Your life is no doubt amazing. What you went through seemed hard and difficult for a kid you age. My parents divorced when I was about 8 years old too. It was strange and difficult, but my moms love always broke though the hard times.

It seems you say that masturbation was a big issue for you. No doubt the masturbation was used as a coping mechanism for your struggles. In those cases, I would say masturbation wasn't the issue but the things you were avoiding were the real problems. You probably already know that I'm guessing, so I hope you don't feel bad about it.

Do you believe it was masturbation that ultimately leas you to where you are today? Or do you think it was the trials you went through that were too much for a kid, that has lead you where you are today?

I don't think your past defines you today. But of course talking about it helps, it requires you that you're not crazy and peculiar for what you've gone through. I think we all need that, for ourselves to feel others know our past so they better understand our present.

From what you've written, I think you use Porn to mask you guilt and anger about your past. The porn creates new guilt because you know it's wrong, especially in marriage, so again you use the porn to numb the guilt. An endless cycle we all have experienced here.

I hope I'm not wasting your time, I really liked your story. You seem so human, I love it. "
posted at 02:40:08 on August 7, 2012 by moronidenovo
Time heals all wounds    
"You said you wanted to hear from a woman? ::waves hand:: Woman here.

My husband also struggled with porn and masturbation.This addiction of his didn't start until not long after we'd gotten married. Before we were married, he'd never had a computer, his family could never afford one. Then, after we were married, he was introduced to the Internet because I had a computer. He looked up tons and tons of porn. I found out when I was backing up files on the computer. I was so angry hurt and devastated when I found out. I even wanted to leave him. Oh, and I also did wind up leaving him. But he wanted to go with me, so I let him.

It took me years to get over this. Years. Maybe 7-10 years and I've been married for 16 years now. It was really hard. Then one day, I realized that yes, my husband just is not perfect. But also, I, myself, am not perfect. I, myself, am in need of forgiveness. The Savior suffered for my sins and sorrows and He also suffered for my husband's sins and sorrows. So, really, what I needed to do is let go and let God.

My advice to you is just give her time. And give her love as an action verb. Show her kindness. Remember that Charity is the pure love of Christ. And charity NEVER fails. I know this from personal experience."
posted at 10:06:11 on August 7, 2012 by AllApologies
Disconcerting    
"I am trying to build up the courage to tell my wife that I have struggled with pornography and mb but I have been terrified about the rocky future ahead. Is there no light at the end of the tunnel? I guess it is different for everyone but it seems that most of these posts say that the relationship recovery will take several years or longer. And during that time, there will be an absence of affection from the spouse because it is too hard to forget or rebuild trust. These are the fears that I constantly bring to mind because I have not yet let her know that I need to start repenting and following a program for recovery. I know you are being honest and that I cannot choose the consequence of my actions. I am just trying to develop a strategy to ease her pain and help her recover from my sins as soon as possible."
posted at 15:53:21 on August 8, 2012 by change4good
I think the point is.. we dont have a lot of control over her recovery    
"I have read studies that state that after 3 years, most women have forgiven.
It's very individual.

www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/couples.html

states that 41% of partners have mostly or completely forgiven their spouse after 1 year.
It jumps to 81% from 1-3 yrs.
It levels off to 85% after 3yrs.

What would be interesting to me is if LDS women fit in the same statistics or have a different statistics. LDS women expect more from an eternal companion and there is the expectation of a loving marriage to showcase to the rest of the perfect marriages in the ward. Would sex addiction be a bigger blow to them?

I would also be interested to know how the behavior of the addict affected forgiveness. the 15% of wives that cant forgive after 3 years -- are they stuck because the addict is not in recovery? has other addictions? or is the partner just not the forgiving type?

In my own marriage, I struggle. like most addicts, Im too impatient for my wife to hurry up and heal and forgive. Patience is one of those virtues that I still have to learn. I try to stay positive and not think beyond a few weeks in the future or I get hugely depressed. I know in all these cases, the heartache and pain created truly will take a miracle to heal. I assume that one day, we will look back and see that our recover was a miracle on the same order of Christ healing the blind. "
posted at 16:23:38 on August 8, 2012 by hurtallover
Another view    
"... for me... because my marriage is an eternal marriage and my OWN salvation is at stake if I don't forgive drives me harder to forgive. I recently said, regarding my husbands recent slip, that the world may justify me leaving, or being mad, or pointing fingers, or berating him... but I am not a worldly person. I am an eternal person, and so is he. And so because of that I work hard at forgiving, for him, but mostly for me."
posted at 19:22:05 on August 8, 2012 by siouxsie
The light at the end    
"3 and 1/2 years after my husband came clean to me and our bishop about his pornography and sex addiction, one year after the restoration of his priesthood blessings following excommunication and the long road that entails, and 9 months into his service as a member of the bishopric (yep, that's what I said. They called him less than three months after his blessings were restored) we have a better marriage than I ever could have hoped for, even before I knew about his addiction. It doesn't always happen this way, but it can.

It was a very, very rough road. It took him humbling himself to the dust and me working through years of problems, some of which had nothing to do with him. We still work on it every day. Sometimes we talk about the past, but most of the time we just live and serve the best we can.

I still have scars, but they are fading. Things can get better, but they tend to get worse first, and it can seem to take forever. I Agree with Siouxsie. The gospel can give us a great capacity for forgiveness."
posted at 21:10:30 on August 8, 2012 by Anonymous
Video    
"The video "helping her heal" by dr. weiss is a great resource for married addicts.

My.02 from a wife who has been there...."
posted at 10:55:45 on August 10, 2012 by maddy
The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train...    
"Even though it may seem that way sometimes."
posted at 11:20:41 on August 10, 2012 by Anonymous
My heart collapsed    
"86 days sober and 83 days since my confession to my wife. Man this road is rocky. I continue to attend my AR 12 step meetings, see our family counselor and will be looking for my own personal one too. I feel like slight progress has been made but I still can't hold my wife's hand. She flinches when I come too close to her. I'm certain I am somewhat of a stranger to her and she doesn't know what trust she can settle for still. I have truly opened up and began communicating with her without worrying about how our conversations would effect me and this has been so helpful in gaining a small speck of trust from her. I'm thrilled with that small speck although I still yearn for her companionship. I hope our marriage will last but she says she isn't sure what will happen still, she needs clarity and wants us to deprecate for a short time, a week or two, to see how we feel about each other while we are away and to try and get clarity which is hard to get when we are still around each other daily. Thoughts? I want to do this for her although I alreAdy know where I stand. I am so in love with her still but she cant see it clearly because of my sins and the personal attack she feels from this pain. I never meant to cause personal pain to anyone, ii never intended to lie to my parents when I had the MB problems as a kid. Never meant to be dishonest as a young adult and especially to my sweet wife. I thought my battle was my own and I didn't dare break anyone else's heart. Mine already hurt. I didn't realize that you truly cannot overcome this by yourself. I was too prideful to admit the severity of my issues and was too engaged in what the consequences would be. I see differently now but trying to repair my marriage is harder than I ever thought it would be but it's so worth every ounce of effort and discomfort. I ensure that I still tell her I love her and work to SHOW her through efforts around the house, with our children, in my calling, communicating with her, telling her, being patient and slow to anger, and other ways. Any other thoughts? I know time can heal all wounds if we do the right things. I just hope the right thing for my wife is to work on US together for each other. What else can I do?"
posted at 23:48:55 on September 2, 2012 by WORKINGONUS
You cannot do much more    
"Sounds like you are me about 2.5 years ago. You cannot do much more by the sounds of it, so what you must do is learn to accept that she has her choice. You cannot stop her from leaving and you cannot make her love you again. You can just be consistent over time and that is your only hope of making it through together. Trust me I have studied every single angle around making making my wife love me as a husband and it just does not work. You will have to let time take its course, first your consistency will show her you are not a monster, then with more time and consistency she will see you are not her enemy, then to friendship, then to unlucky wife, then to wife (this is where I am) and I cannot tell you if it goes to soul mate/lover because I have not seen this yet though I hope some day we can get there.

I am sure though 100% that my marriage will never be 100% sure because there is just so much damage that she will want to have a form of boundary to protect herself from that pain again.

I know you say you know that time can heal all wounds, but that is a lesson you will understand once you have let time do its thing. Let time be your friend and you will find it tick away much faster, it is long but you have no choice other than letting your wife decide her future and that also takes a lot of time so buy yourself some time and show her while she is making up her mind that you can be trusted one day at a time."
posted at 07:52:02 on September 3, 2012 by ruggaexpat
I suck at this    
"Thanks for the advice Rugg. For some reason I am able to navigate the rest of my life fairly well, but working with my emotions and helping my wife heal for her benefit and not mine is such a constant struggle. Am I alone in this? I know I am not. I am do happy to have come clean, but the healing process is difficult. I wouldn't change the fact that I confessed but I should have done it sooner and I should have been a better listener from the beginning. I have a strong tendency to open mouth and insert foot when communicating with my wife. Last night I stayed up in bed writing on this blog and reading others writings. This am my wife asks why I was on the phone so late and mentioned something else about feeling like there is still something off in our marriage. I got defensive. I didn't do anything wrong, but I still got defensive. These old patterns are hard to break. How do I learn patience and listening skills...I assume it's just practice. I hate feeling like I take us back to square one each time I miscommunicate. I frustrate myself. I'll try again. I'll apologize tonight and work harder.

I wish I knew where my defensiveness comes from though. Is it common among addicts to be irrational and hate this aspect of their lives? Do you overcome this with longer periods of sobriety? Thanks all!"
posted at 14:17:51 on September 3, 2012 by WORKINGONUS
Absolutely    
"The lust and addiction stifeled the emotional maturity and so realistically we cannot expect ourselves to gro w up and learn these emotional lessons over night. The lord cannot intervene and make us emotionally mature either, we still have to learn ourselves and most of the time I learned the hard way. I think I am only now exiting the teenage emotional stages but still not out because I still get defensive but when I started recovery I was a 3 year old emotionally. You will see growth as you consistently work at this over time, that is just the way we will pull through out of this mess and the savior will be with us along the way. He has not intervened in my emotional life learning lessons but has been there for someone to talk to when things were really bad and discouraging. He however always expects me to learn through my mistakes and successes. Most have been mistakes on the emotional front.

It does take practice and again a whole lot of time to grow up. Donèt get hard on yourself and get discouraged, because you will, try see his as one experience after another that must happen for you to grow up, that will take less pressure off your wife so she can heal in her time and you in yours.

Its hard brother, but it does get better. My wife tells me she misses me and loves me when I am not around her and trust me she was one angry mama bear at one stage, I cannot imagine anyone more affected and angered and yet we are starting to pull through very slowly.

Still, I expect this to take another few years for me to grow up still.


Hang in there and stuck around, things will get much better."
posted at 06:29:09 on September 4, 2012 by ruggaexpat
WORKINGONUS- password is working    
"I went nearly 5 months clean of MB then one night it came roaring back. It's happened twice more in the middle of the night while sleeping. I was honest with my wife about it but she is crushed/confused and doesn't want to sleep in the same bed anymore which I understand completely. She still wants a seperation too but for reasons of wanting to heal from a distance. Thinks it will be easier to figure ourselves out and what we want or if we want our relationship to continue.

I am struggling with feelings of frustration for having done so well then relapsing. I feel like my marriage is falling apart when I am honest but I know I have to be if there is even a chance of building trust back up.

Has anyone else had troubles with mb only at night while sleeping? It seems this is the time my defenses are the lowest. Any suggestions?"
posted at 01:58:19 on November 7, 2012 by Anonymous
what do you mean?    
"Are you awake or asleep when you masturbate?"
posted at 01:06:47 on November 8, 2012 by beclean
keep at it dude    
"keep working at it. you can get there.
suggestion? um...duck tape...no seriously...ok no kidding. try TAP thetapy...that can help. look it up on the internet. it can help u focus.

ive heard sum good things about hypnotherapy too. maybe look into that.

just a couple ideas"
posted at 16:17:10 on November 8, 2012 by skyteamst90
WORKINGONUS - password still not working    
"It's strange because I can control myself during the day without any troubles. I have been very stressed lately though and have felt a lot of burden within. I have messed a few times but told my wife within a day each time. I'm trying to build the trust back up even though it's humiliating and I'm ashamed.

Not to become too descriptive because no one needs to read that, but I have caught myself in the middle of the night holding in and beginning the doom. It's strange that I have so little control at night at times, not always. Stress is a huge trigger for me.

I'm going to try a new counselor next week and will also try a wellness clinic for blood, toxin, etc abnormalities. I hope to get off the junk food and eat better and even set up an appt with a shrink in a month who can prescribe meds if needed because of my highs and lows.

I have realized more than ever that I am NOT able to conquer this on my own. Only through others help at the AR meetings working the steps, counseling, trying harder than ever, possibly stabilizing meds and most importantly and ultimately only through my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful to be free of the porn for 6 months. Now I need to kick the welling emotions inside to the curb and work on creating a new and better me . I know I can with help this time. I cannot do it on my own. No one can.

So, if anyone else has had problems with nighttime challenges please speak up and offer your suggestions. I need them. Thanks all!"
posted at 22:47:09 on November 9, 2012 by Anonymous
Same Path    
"This addiction is definetly humbling. Humility is the tool i need to develop to recover. Also love of others is helping me (resentment kills our progress!)"
posted at 23:36:17 on November 10, 2012 by Anonymous


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006