Print
White knuckles + slow progress = :|
By g1rlie
8/1/2012 12:10:12 PM
Desire--It hits me in waves when I least expect it. Last night at work, during the slow times, it hit me. Every cell in my body seemed to scream in pain. I wanted to scream. I wish I didn't know for a fact how nice his body is because that thought kept trying to enter into my head. Except I chose not to let that thought stay there. One minute at a time.....Then I decided to find a quiet corner somewhere and I knelt down and prayed out loud.

It's totally ridiculous, my situation. I know I have so much to lose. I know my lover is most likely entirely wrong for me. I realize, by some of the things he has told me, my lover is probably an addict. Why else would he say anything strange about me tying him up in bed? That is just so random. I think he must be crazy and so am I for even talking to him. It's completely nonsensical that I haven't been able to find my way out of this situation. :/

And what in the @#$% am I doing with this man who is practically old enough to be my father? He has grandchildren, for crying out loud. :/ This is so insane.

Maybe I'm having such difficulties because I had a head injury years ago. The front of my head and my face was cut open in a train wreck (just one of my injuries). I don't remember the wreck. I did see the newspaper article, however. Even if this is the reason this is so difficult for me, it doesn't excuse me from doing Everything that I can to find my escape.

I've been searching for this escape for quite some time...

1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Wait a sec....How was I tempted more than I was able to bear? Was it because I didn't realize how serious, deadly, and powerful lust was? I thought I could handle it. I didn't think it was my fault. I thought it was just part of being a female. Mabye it's because I looked at him too many times. Maybe it's because I was around him at work more than I could handle. Every time I saw him there, I felt I would either faint or die of a heart attack. And I had to tell him I had the hots for him (at least I thought I had to tell him). After avoiding him at work (he was my manager), he threatened me with insubordination, a fireable offense. So, I decided to just tell him why I was avoiding him. He wasn't mad. He even seemed glad. Oh, man. I am so confused on this one.

I'm still trying to find my escape. The journey may be painful and long, but I really feel I will eventually be able to find my destination if I keep on climbing this mountain.

Comments:

Girlie, He Restoreth My Soul, by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD    
"This book will help you understand and break the chemical and spiritual chains of lust addiction.

Although this book was written for the Porn Addict, Lust addiction is the same. It all eventually will lead to bigger better fixes. Affairs, hired sexual partners........

Dr. Hilton is a brain surgeon, he dissects the addiction process, and helps you to understand what your brain is doing from a medical and clinical perspective. He is a member and ties the spiritual and gospel principles into this book also.

You said you had a brain injury. I am not a doctor, but I do know that addiction especially to lust changes the chemical make up of your brain. I view all sexual addiction a lust addiction. All addictions stem from the release of chemicals in our brain as we participate in the addictive behaviors, food, gambling, gaming, alcohol, drugs, lust and sexual addictions. Usually we are using our drug of choice because our brains tell us it makes us feel better because those addictive behaviors release feel good chemicals in our brain. Dopamine, Endorphins, serotonin and other neurotransmitters are released and the more we release those chemicals into our brain by acting out the more our brain wants them. Our pleasure centers of our brain override our control centers. Some studies show that our thoughts, and the mind video replay also releases those chemicals. Thus all the commandments about not lusting.. Lust changes our brains. It releases the most chemicals of all the addictions. Hits all five of our control centers, cocaine and meth three, food, two. Heavenly Father knew this, thus all the commandments.

White knuckling is a way of saying, I can do this on my own, I should have control, me, me, me. That is what Satan would have you do. Not our Savior, He says, come to me and I will give you rest, lean on me, i will help you, give me your thoughts , give me your evil desires and i will clear your heart and mind. Amazing!

Recovering on your own is like trying to drive a car without a learning permit. You are going to have some major accidents. You need support by others who are struggling and are further into the recovery process than you. There are groups out there that include only women who have sexual addiction. You need tools to help you.

Prayer, Scriptures, Spiritual Guidance, Sponsor, groups, therapists. Our prophets tell us to do all that we can and seek after all that is needed to help us. Pray about it. You will be lead to the help you need. Seek help.

One recovery tool that helps in early recovery, get a heavy ,pink rubber band to match your tools at work, when your brain starts to go there, give it a big snap, ouch, instead of pleasure there is pain, soon your brain will start saying, don't go there it hurts.

And as you detox you will fell all the withdrawals of addiction, depression, headaches, shakes and more. Just know it is worth it.

You are a daughter of God and he loves you and knows you better than anyone. You are a co-creator with Him. He cares deeply about His mothers, He will answer you immediately, I promise. Pray, he will guide you and love you through this process. He will give you the courage and strenght to overcome. But you have to ask! He will not take your agency away. But, addiction and the great deceiver will.

Love and prayers to you,"
posted at 13:37:03 on August 1, 2012 by Hero
Reply    
"@Hero--I'll check out the book. Always on the lookout for good books. Thanks for the encouragement."
posted at 08:43:15 on August 2, 2012 by G1rlie
Tonight    
"Don't know how I am going to handle it. I know I shouldn't do, well, him. There is so much pressure. *sigh*

In any case, I have my sponsor's phone number handy.

Gotta stop perpetuating this self-inflicted injury. :/"
posted at 08:45:26 on August 2, 2012 by G1rlie
He has grandkids?    
"Oh, Girlie! Yuk! He smells like grandpa!"
posted at 11:48:05 on August 2, 2012 by Anonymous
Replies    
"@Hurtallover--Sounds like good advice--I'll try it. :) And thanks for the reading recommendation. I always love those. :) (Especially since I watch zero television)

@Anonymous--But he's a HOT grandpa. I didn't know he was in his 50's until he told me. He doesn't look it and he has a really nice body that I don't want to think about. :)"
posted at 12:52:57 on August 2, 2012 by g1rlie
Ewww    
"but he has old balls!"
posted at 18:03:56 on August 2, 2012 by Anonymous
Seriously?    
"Dude - it's a do or don't. Your posts make it apparent that you come here seeking attention and pity for your addiction. You whine about how hard your addiction is and you can't give it up. Well I'm sick of hearing it. Buck up and either see him or don't. If you do, stop talking about it - it's sucking energy. If you don't. keep coming for support. Talking about how hot or not his specific body parts are is completely inappropriate for a site dedicated to help others seek recovery. I'm all about offering compassion but I'm not going to coddle you and say how sorry I feel for you when I know it's possible for you to just NOT see him. Sitting in the poo and smearing yourself with it is not going to get yourself clean. You have to hate the poo. Get up out of it, step out of it, and take precautions to never step in it again. But seriously - I'm sick of hearing you whine about how stinky the poo is when you aren't even willing to get out of it!"
posted at 20:24:43 on August 2, 2012 by Anonymous
Seriously?    
"Dude - it's a do or don't. Your posts make it apparent that you come here seeking attention and pity for your addiction. You whine about how hard your addiction is and you can't give it up. Well I'm sick of hearing it. Buck up and either see him or don't. If you do, stop talking about it - it's sucking energy. If you don't. keep coming for support. Talking about how hot or not his specific body parts are is completely inappropriate for a site dedicated to help others seek recovery. I'm all about offering compassion but I'm not going to coddle you and say how sorry I feel for you when I know it's possible for you to just NOT see him. Sitting in the poo and smearing yourself with it is not going to get yourself clean. You have to hate the poo. Get up out of it, step out of it, and take precautions to never step in it again. But seriously - I'm sick of hearing you whine about how stinky the poo is when you aren't even willing to get out of it!"
posted at 21:32:13 on August 2, 2012 by Anonymous
I want to sign up to be the first in line to kick him in the nutts!!!!    
"Mrs G, my father was the bishop of my ward and my mom started an affair with her boss (she was his exec assistant) and really fell in love with this guy. My dad was lying in bed one night and the spirit nudged him to ask if she was being faithful. She confessed when put on the spot and the rest is not just history but one hellish nightmare for us all as a family. My dad tried to keep the marriage together to protect us (I was 3 years old and the middle child 2 years apart from the youngest and oldest brothers). My mom was more interested in the other guy, would knowingly spend off time with this clown while my dad was left in pain.

The clown promised to marry her. My father had enough at one point and sat the punk down with my mother and told them prophetically that they have no idea the damage they are doing to us children. My mom promised that if she can marry the fool, they would bring us up as mormons.

My dad got released, mom went completely less active and a temple marriage in ruins. Let me tell you what her decisions and the breakup caused:

My dad was shattered and took years to heal and still has not healed
All 3 of the boys (me included) have dealt with addictions. I have battled with drugs, porn, masterbation and numerous other problems all my life. My younger brother is a recovering heroin addict who almost ODed and wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars in paying debts. My eldest brother wasted thousands too in gambling debts and losses.

What happened to my mom - she never ended up marrying the guy though they still see each other all the time. They are still lovers 30+ years later. He is still with his wife and my mom is the one who is suffering and that will get worse when he hits the grave because she was in her late 20's and he late 40's at the time. The dude is now in his 70's and will be investing in his old age home soon.

He had all the money, all the status and all the influence. My mom chose him above me and that is what it all boils down to at the end of the day.

Please take note my dear, this is not about you, it is all about your little ones. Your husband can fend for himself and he has apparently chosen the same path as my dad, your husband must be one destroyed soul. I feel soory for both of you, it must be hard or else you would not be here trying. I understand Anon's comment above, the child in me who experienced a mom in a similar situation wants to let you have it and let you know all about it. The recovering addict in me has a lot of empathy for you, I know the power of addiction, it is hell but you must dig deep and kick this old fart of a loser where it hurts so that he can and never will want to destroy another marriage.

Its refreshing to read that you appear to feel responsible for this situation, that is great but now look toward your hurting husband and take his pain seriosuly. My heart aches for him, I know what such a dad and husband looks like, it would bring back many nightmares. Poor guy!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about the little ones. Not enough talk has addressed their poor souls, they are always left on the sidelines but they are soaking up this crap and it is that same crap that will berry you while you have your back turned facing grandpa.

The price is adding up every day you see gramps and it becomes harder to pay as time rolls on.

God Bless."
posted at 21:40:57 on August 2, 2012 by ruggaexpat
well said rugga    
"Its good to hear a bit from you brother. I'm glad to know you're still fighting the good fight.

I also wanted to add that I agree with everything you wrote above. Every day hemming and hawing about whether or not to see him is another day the children don't really have their mother with them, even if they don't really know what's going on. Just as so many wives have pointed out they know something is wrong before husbands confess to porn or anything else, the children know too. The price will be paid heavily by the next generations."
posted at 23:45:23 on August 2, 2012 by paul
Rugga    
"That explains so much about your pain and anquish. My heart goes out to you. And your post really hit the mark with where this is headed. Our choices can have devastating results. I believe we can learn from other peoples mistakes. I just hope girlies deception isn't so complete that she ends up alone and tormented with that regret that is a literal hell. I hear a glimmer of hope, girlie. When we don't have the willingness to give up the object of our lust, we pray for the willingness. And pray to see things as they truly are. If you could see what we see, you would RUN in disgust. It is THAT dangerous. It is like having sex with a rotting corpse but being hypnotized into thinking you're making love to a movie star."
posted at 23:46:11 on August 2, 2012 by Anonymous
Whatever    
"Yeah, I think I'm going to quit trying to quit. It's just not working out (quitting). So, I guess I'll just say "Hasta" to everyone. So there. :P"
posted at 09:21:09 on August 3, 2012 by g1rlie
Sorry I offended    
"I know it is not my business and you can take any opinions here as you wish. G you are bigger and better than quitting. Dig deep, you have just started seeing the light and the truth is very uncomfortable to bear in the begining. I like your swagger, you have life in you and it will be a tragedy if you give up now.

You know it is impossible to see the damage our choices have made until we stop what we are doing and compelled to take stock of our current position. You cannot fully assess the damage to your life if you are caught in 2 minds. I think anon was hinting at that when he or she suggested you make a choice. My mom caught a wake up a few weeks before I left the house to go on mission. I saw a saddness in her that is hard to describe. Her boy was now a man and leaving home, her chance to be a mom was gone, she will never have a chance to mother me again, that was her choice and you know what she still calls me her boy. Things like "I love you my boy". Not hi son or hey bud, I am still her boy because she did not take the time to help me become a man, I was a toy that she could take out when it suited her but when she was with her lover I did not exist. Is it any wonder a child will seek a fix of intimacy from porn or drugs???

Your children will need a similar fix from someone or something and you better hope it is not porn/sex because you know how crap that is.

Please think this through, think about them, think about what they need. Think about the time that is still available to spend with your family. Those magical moments are not far away. Stay around in this community, it saved my life and will do the same for you. People will say harsh things and loving things but often it is what I need to hear.

God Bless sister

Paul - hope all is well and likewise always wonder how you are keeping. Life is good, hard but good. good to hear from you bro. Hope the family and twins are happy that dad is healing well."
posted at 22:58:21 on August 3, 2012 by ruggaexpat
anon    
"Yes this is the real reason in my life why I have had all my struggles. I do not want to lay my life in front of everyone but I figured all this out during my recovery in the last 2.5 years. It has taken many ARP meetings, 2 years of therapy (2 x per month), many painful and excruciating discussions/arguments and tears with my wife to figure out a lot of this. This is all part of the price and it is a small part because my children will also suffer the consequences of my parents choices as well as mine. I cannot fully understand the damage this has caused but the savior is there and can fix anything if we want him to and if we let him. I am still figuring the fixing thing out, that is a challenge on its own.

Take good care anon."
posted at 23:12:19 on August 3, 2012 by ruggaexpat
Interesting    
"I gave Girlie the first real Reality Slap on one of her first blogs, and everybody backlashed saying I was a bad person. Essentially I said the same things Rugga and one of the anonymous said. But oh well, I did it for her not you guys. I'm glad other people are actually trying to help now.

@Girlie I know you're trying to act like you don't care but I know you feel hurt. I act the same way when I feel attacked on this site but im the end you still hurt. Don't do anything stupid from the anger you get from this site. I'm sorry, but I agree with Rugga. But that doesn't mean he or I don't still love you as a sister. Its because we love you as a sister that we give you hard truths.

When I get attacked in this site, my temptations are 10X as strong, because the negative energy is powerful. Pease, take the advice they gave you if you can. If you can't see it right now, wait a while a digest it later. But don't go out and make mistakes in our name, it will only hurt you. If looked up porn because I hated some of the things if read from people here. Recently on the "I'm lost" blog some anonymous guy went all out. You even commented on it. I know it sucks to feel attacked, but I think Rugga was just trying to show you the dark side of this affair. Anonymous might have been a little different but I can't speak for him, but I can tell Rugga was telling you sad truth for your kids.

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm attacking you. I hope you can see that I understand what it feels like to have everyone on here against you, and feel anger because this is the one place you can talk about your secret problem and biggest guilt but the people are turning against you. But please don't use that anger and frustration on yourself, it will only hurt you and the ones you love.

I hope you get something out of this and feel better, I'll pray for you tonight."
posted at 01:19:36 on August 4, 2012 by moronidenovo
Seriously?    
"Dude - anon, how long have you been sober? Or better yet in recovery?"
posted at 22:38:52 on August 16, 2012 by They_Speak


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990