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*sigh*
By girlie
7/26/2012 12:34:07 PM
Yeah, I posted something yesterday but I deleted it. I'm not happy with myself for thinking of seeing GM again. Oh, well. I may see him, or I may not. I don't know at this point. But I guess I'll take it one day at a time.

Last night at work, I was reading my LDSAR booklet. I read about Step 3. This is a decision step. I've no idea how I can possibly follow through with that decision. I bet some well-intentioned people may say, "Think of your kids." "Think of your husband." "Tell your bishop and your husband." or any number of other suggestions. Well, to that I will say, "Been there, done that, got the tee shirt." And guess what? It Didn't Work.

But I read a looooong list of sobriety tools someone emailed me. One of the tools said, "If all else fails, punt. Attend more meetings." Maybe this is what I should do. I don't know. And maybe I'll ask that one gay dude from SA if he will be my sponsor. Somehow, I have a feeling that I won't be able to make it past step 2 without a sponsor. But telling my husband and my bishop right Now, I feel this would be premature and a big mistake.

Oh. And here's the list of sobriety tools someone from SLAA emailed me (It's a good list):

90 TOOLS FOR SOBRIETY

1 ) Stay away from that first drink, taking the 1ststep daily.
2 ) Attend AA regularly and get involved.
3 ) Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME.
4 ) Use the 24 Hour plan.
5 ) Remember, your disease is incurable, progressive and fatal.
6 ) Do first things first.
7 ) Don't become too tired.
8 ) Eat at regular hours.
9 ) Use the telephone. (not just after the fact but during too.).
10) Be active - don't just sit around. Idle time will kill you.
11) Use the Serenity Prayer.
12) Change old routines and patterns.
13) Don't become too hungry.
14) Avoid loneliness.
15) Practice control of your anger.
16) Air your resentments.
17) Be willing to help whenever needed.
18) Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
19) Easy does it.
20) Get out of the "IF ONLY" trap.
21) Remember HOW IT WAS. Your last drunk, the feelings, etc.
22) Be aware of your emotions.
23) Help another in his/her recovery, extend your hand, listen.
24) Try to turn your life and your will over to your High Power.
25) Avoid all mood-altering drugs, read labels on all medicines.
26) Turn loose of old ideas.
27) Avoid drinking situations/occasions.
28) Replace old drinking buddies with new AA buddies.
29) Read the Big Book.
30) Try not to be dependent on another (sick relationships).
31) Be grateful and when not make a GRATITUDE list.
32) Get off the "Pity Pot"...the only thing you'll get is a ring around your bottom if you don't.
33) See knowledgeable help when troubled and or otherwise.
34) Face it! You are powerless over alcohol, people, places and things.
35) Try the 12 and 12, not just 1 and 12 or 1, 12 and 13!
36) Let go and Let God.
37) Use the God bag and the answers: yes, no or wait I have something better in store for you. Don't forget to say thanks.
38) Find courage to change through the example of others who have.
39) Don't try to test your will power - give an alcoholic one shovel and one pail and in one hour he/she will need 100 wheel barrels.
40) Live TODAY, not YESTERDAY, not TOMORROW - projection is planning the results before anything even happens.
41) Avoid emotional involvements the first year – you end up putting the other person first and lose sight of "your" program.
42) Remember alcohol is - cunning, baffling and powerful.
43) Rejoice in the manageability of your new life.
44) Be humble--Humility is not in thinking of your self more, but in thinking more of yourself less often. Watch your ego.
45) Share your experience, strength and hope.
46) Cherish your recovery.
47) Dump your garbage regularly - GIGO = Garbage In Garbage Out.
48) Get plenty of "restful" sleep.
49) Stay sober for you - not someone else – otherwise it won't work.
50) Practice rigorous honesty with yourself and others.
51) Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME, not 10 years in one day!
55) Make no major decisions the first year.
56) Get a sponsor and use him/her. (not just selectively share).
57) Know that no matter what your problems, someone's had them before. Don't be afraid to share, as a problem shared is one 1/2 solved.
58) Strive for progress not perfection.
59) When in doubt ask questions. The only stupid question is the one not asked. You weren't afraid to speak before, so why start now.
60) Use prayer and meditation ... not just pillow talk, get on those knees. Put your shoes under the bed just in case someone's looking.
61) Maintain a balance: spiritual, physical, emotional and mental.
62) Don't use other substances as a maintenance program.
63) Learn to take spot check inventories.
64) Watch out for the RED FLAGS ... things that give excuses for poor behavior and inevitable relapse.
65) Know that its okay to be human ... just don't drink over it.
66) Be kind to yourself; it's about time, don't you think.
67) Don't take yourself so seriously- take the disease seriously!
68) Know that whatever it is that's causing pain – it shall pass.
69) Stay as away from the DRY DRUNK SYNDROME as humanly as possible.
70) Don't give away more than you can afford too, your sobriety comes first and must be the number 1 priority. Protect it at all costs.
71) Take down those bricks from the wall around you; you'll be able to see the daylight better. Let people know who you are.
72) Get a home group and attend it regularly.
73) Know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train, but actually a ray of hope. Drop the negativity.
74) Know that you are not alone, that's why the "We" is in the steps.
75) Be willing to go to any lengths to stay and be sober.
76) Know that no matter how bleak and dark your past may be, your future is clean, bright and clear if you don't drink today.
77) Stay out of your own way.
78) Don't be in a hurry--remember "TIME = Things I Must Earn".
79) Watch the EGO. "EGO = Ease God Out".
80) Protect your sobriety at all costs. Keep the light on you.
81) Learn to listen, not just hear. Be open-minded and nonjudgmental.
82) Know that if your insides match your outsides, everyone looks good.
83) If the rest of the world looks bad, check yourself out first.
84) Gratitude is in the attitude.
85) When all else fails ... punt! Up the number of meetings!!!
86) Remember FEAR = FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL!
87) Remember FINE = Fouled up, Insecure/insane, Neurotic and Emotionally Imbalanced...watch the FINE.
88) Handle what you can and leave the rest, don't overtax yourself. You can only accomplish so much in a given 24
hours.
89) Honesty and consistency are key factors in recovery.
90) Let the little kid in you out - learn how to laugh from the gut.

*** Note: this list is not necessarily in order. They are but suggestions and items to put in your little TOOL BAG.

Comments:

Seeing GM through Lust's rose-colored glasses...    
"I realize that often I'm not really seeing him for who he really is. Often, it is a fantasy version of him that I see. The Real version of GM is definitely gorgeous and sexy, but in reality, there are a Lot of things about him that I really don't like very much.

And last night I added a few other things to this list after talking to him:

a)He doesn't know how to pronounce my name. Kind of awkward that I've been sleeping with him for quite some time now....It's pronounced exactly how it's spelled. How can he screw that up?

b)I think he may be sort of neurotic. But maybe I am, also. Perhaps it takes one to know one or something.

c)He's a total sheeple. This really bothers me."
posted at 13:31:33 on July 26, 2012 by girlie
Questions...    
"Just to be clear, I'm not trying to be rude, or offer advice. I am in no situation to offer advice. But, I am a little confused.

You have said that you've told your husband about this. I believe at one point you mentioned that he wanted to beat up GM. In this very post, you said "Been there, done that, got that T shirt." But then, you go on and say he doesn't know, and that confession is premature.

What exactly does your husband know? What aren't you telling him. And when will be the right time to tell him?

I'm not trying to suggest anything. I honestly want to know your plan.

I was stuck in limbo with my addiction for quite some time. I had stopped acting out, but was afraid to tell my wife anything for fear of losing her and my children. That fear kept me paralyzed for a very long time. In the end, she did not leave. At least, not yet. I still struggle with both my addiction and being honest about it.

You are working on this and that is progress, even if it is small steps. You know what is right and what you stand to lose by continuing in your addiction, so don't ever give up."
posted at 14:27:24 on July 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Details    
"Yeah,I really don't think it's important for every person to know all of the details. My husband knows a lot, but not everything. I'm not keeping him updated on things regarding GM at this point because I feel it is unwise to do so until I am able to quit him for a decent amount of time. And even then, I'm not convinced it is wise for me to tell him that I've been with GM more times than my husband knows about. So there. :)"
posted at 14:41:40 on July 26, 2012 by girlie
Girlie,    
"You may have said something important...does this gay guy have a lot of time clean in the program? Has he worked the 12 Steps successfully? If so, maybe you SHOULD ask him to sponsor you. I know there are not as many options for women out there in certain parts of the country but I think a gay guy might be a good fit to walk you through the Steps if he has years clean and a lot of recovery under his belt."
posted at 15:07:25 on July 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Hope I    
"...didn't offend with my comments yesterday. Sometimes I can get carried away amusing myself with hyperbole. I also didn't mean to give advice. When I speak I usually am my primary audience. How well I communicate that is a different story. Besides, I don't know what the hell I'm doing or talking about anyway.

It just doesn't appear that any of us can do it alone. And if a spouse already knows and can help what the hell why not? That's all I was saying. But you know your situation better than anyone. People on here were harping on me to tell my wife and my bishop with in their ideal time frames for like 9 months and not a damn one of them knew what they were talking about. I believe in retrospect the timing was not in my hands and based on how things have worked out I think it was went about as appropriately as possible. Really only you and God know. A sponsor can help a ton. Mine, in fact, is the one who told me not to tell...yet. I'm glad I listened to him and my inner tyrant ("The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within." -Gandhi) and not anyone else. I know for me now though I have to be carful to note weather I'm protecting my addiction or protecting my spouse. But again that is where a sponsor for me is so so so so so helpful they can help me understand what it is i'm doing.

I have one question: when you say "it didn't work" what do you mean exactly? Because I used to say that about the 12 steps and still kind of say that about Mormonism. But, at least with the 12 steps, I realized "it didn't work" for me meant "it didn't work once and for all". I now realize, because I got my butt kicked into oblivion so badly that I had to accept a daily program, that the 12 steps do work or I have seen the power of them in certain undeniable moments. But unfortunately for me they've never worked once and for all. I could say the same thing about being honest with my wife if i went back out now and started cheating on her again. Well, honesty didn't help us or our situation. But I would know for me it did help tremendously while I was exercising it. Undeniably. Don't get me wrong it's totally cool if telling your husband or who ever isn't the right thing for you right now. I just think it would be a shame if you started throwing away other tools, like a sponsor or the 12 steps for example, because they didn't work like you expected even though perhaps they may work as they should. Now again maybe that is just my experience. If it's unrelated to yours forget I mentioned it. I was just wanting some clarification on what you meant by "it didn't work"."
posted at 16:01:12 on July 26, 2012 by they_speak
My account quit working, but this is Girlie    
"Yeah, the gay guy has been sober for about 8 years. "It didn't work" means I told my husband and the bishop and that didn't stop anything. I was really trying. At the time, I wasn't in the 12 step program. I feel the 12-step program will work. The external constraints I used of telling my husband and the bishop didn't work because this other person, GM, finds ways to be where I am even though he lives 1200 miles away from me. He got divorced in January and he is free to do basically whatever he wants to do, including going to wherever I am. When he comes near me, it is trouble because I have this horribly overwhelming feeling like I just Need to be all over him. It's totally ridiculous."
posted at 22:40:35 on July 26, 2012 by G1rlie
Thanks..    
"...for the list... I'm going to blog it. It will help a lot of people:-)"
posted at 23:02:58 on July 26, 2012 by siouxsie
Oh,and....    
"They Speak, I didn't even see what you commented on my other blog. So I am not offended. :)

@Siouxie--You're welcome.:)"
posted at 08:42:26 on July 27, 2012 by g1rlie


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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005