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This could be dumping but need to shed light.
By myid
7/25/2012 7:31:41 AM
Disclaimer: This entry might be considered "dumping". It might also be considereed a confession. Please only try to take this one on if your sobriety is strong.

Been carrying a load of guilt and need to shed light on it. I recently went on a trip to NM with co-workers and spent about 4 days there doing work and socializing. I'm in a new position and am in the process of relocating my whole family (4 of us) because of the Job. I happend to be traveling with my boss and his boss (my manager), a female co-worker and an Engineer on the job. We did everything together after the days work was completed; Eating, socailizing and watching them drink and talk about drinking. Anyway, I stayed away from my vice pretty well while we were there. I flipped through the channels knowing what my addict wanted to see but was happy to settle for wholesome viewing and was preserved. Did not act out although walked on the edge at times.

When I returned to my new city of residence and got into my car and got on the road to find my motel (family was in another city visiting an aunt) my addiction to pornography began to take control. My inner voice was saying: you couldnt fit in with your boss's and now your jobs on the line. Deep down inside I connected my vice with their drinking (I know its crazy and very cowardly). And thought If I excersise my vice Id be on equal grounds. All this was obviously the enemy to all righteasness. I didnt pick up the phone or look for a meeting - contact with another addict would have been key!

Got into the hotel and immediately began hunting for pornography on the tv, then the hotel internet (blocked). It began to get late so I decided to get a magazine and get it over with! no stores were selling the stuff at 1:00 am. Went to a casino thinking they had something and thought I could see some women dressed immodestly. They were not selling anything I wanted but I started lusting after some of the people there. From there I went into any open gas station still hoping to buy a magazing but none had it. At about 3:00am I went to a strip club. I took it all in and departed back the hotel. Back at the hotel an attractive girl was smoking at the back door and tryed to make eye contact, I knew and fantasized that she was a prostitute but luckily wished her a good night and went to my room. However, she also became part of the lust going on in my mind that had taken control over me (I looked to see her outside my window but luckily she was gone.). I acted out by ma after seeing a lady on the TV. I went to bed thinking "WOW" I could have just done the last act and avoided all the CRAP and gotten to bed 4-5 hours earlier!! I know even "ma" needed to be avoided with some better planning.

So, here I am 1.5 weeks later. Hav'nt talked to a priesthood leader or any fellow addict. Its Draqqing me down and trying to reach out for help. I'm feeling some relief from prayer and resolutions. but still need to get these details out into the open.

Comments:

Hang in there, keep fighting and don't give up!    
"Being an addict Really sucks. I know, because I am one also. I hope things get better for you soon, MyID."
posted at 14:19:56 on July 25, 2012 by Anonymous
Thanks    
"Thanks for your comment, it really helps!"
posted at 00:21:26 on July 26, 2012 by myid


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006