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Day 29 Meetings - 26
By They_Speak
7/15/2012 11:17:54 PM
It seems to me the reason I failed, again, at being sober for 90 meezly days is because I failed, again, to fully embrace step 1. At the end of nearly a week of relapse I finally came to that place of "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization", again. I realized, again, that I don't even have the power to want to stop. Let alone know how. Every single faculty of my being is to weak and to broken to be turn to or be relied on. For me it's not about finding that broken cog in the machine and figuring out how to fix it to get things back up and running. I'm just to damn dumb to figure it out and to blind to see what needs fixing. The whole thing is a wreck. I can not manufacture the motivation to recover nor can I evoke the wisdom to "fix" any part of myself. (Maybe "fixing" isn't exactly what I need..?)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
(I heard an extended version somewhere that went something like so)
But the King might,
The King may,
And the King would.

Not a just a few pieces of me are out of place. Great was my fall. And there seems to be magic in, without reservation, fully accepting this. Not compartmentalizing which parts of me are powerless and which aren't. There seems to be magic in having a almost ironic sense of constantly repeated joyful acceptance of my utter inability to will anything into existence. To glory in my complete weakness. Today I should be looking at porn, chatting online, looking up prostitutes and thinking about strip clubs at every exit off the freeway. Today I could even actually be, worst case, acting out with prostitutes or the like and outright throwing my life, my wife, and eternity away. But, and I can't emphasize this enough, by the grace of God - I'm 3 days sober. It's a miraculous thing when you know, without equivocation, the dark places you should and could be but are not. It's miraculous to find retrospectively almost as if by accident things unfolded so much different. To find that without any effort (Wu Wei) on my part, save only recognizing that my efforts get in the way, my life remains much more in accord with light and stillness.

Lol, I was done writing but then naturally my first thought to follow was "can I keep this going?" Ha!, NO! That's the point you just made. Why does my mind go there so easily? Why do I want control so much? Weird.

Comments:

I like what Chefdalet told someone else.. we need to become a student in our addiction    
"I feel your pain. It's so freaking hard at times to slip and slip and slip and try put all the pieces back together. I feel like what I'm putting back together looks like a pre-school art project-- ugly, colored outside of the lines, imperfect.. But then I realize I love when I get gifts from my young kids because it's their perfect intention of their hearts that's important to me and they love me. I know they will grow up and get better at art. I think the Lord is the same way.. He doesn't see all the times we colored outside of the lines or all the glitter mixed up wrong or the edges not together. He sees our intention at the overall project. The perfection will come later in a few million years...

I really appreciate your comments over the 16 months that I've been on this site. You will make it.. it's just going to take some time until you REALLY understand yourself."
posted at 23:57:38 on July 15, 2012 by Hurtallover
I read this twice    
"You know you have a lot of discipline in writing, I really enjoyed reading that. It was like you painted you're emotions, you have talent.

90 days is awesome, I had 3 weeks and I was just feeling weak and low again, and I slipped. It feels terrible, you wonder why the hell does this have to happen. I'm doing my best yet I feel like I'm the worst. I'm tired of feeling like that, i want my worries to be somewhere else, with the Gospel and love, Not my immoral behavior and my spiritual turmoil.

They_Speak, you know what you have and love, i believe you will fight for that."
posted at 01:05:37 on July 16, 2012 by moronidenovo
Getting past step 1    
"That sure is hard. Yeah, sometimes a day, 3 days, a week....accomplishing these small milestones of sobriety take such an amazing effort. Keep fighting."
posted at 04:22:19 on July 16, 2012 by Girlie


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987