Today is the first day of the rest of my life....
By Girlie
7/13/2012 8:38:21 AM
I did it. Broke up with GM. Until now, I had enough information to see what and who he really is, but I didn't want to see. But then, I asked him that one seemingly harmless, but Deadly question....You see, I remember literally Everything this man has ever said to me. But I realized that he does not remember everything he has said to me. I used this against him to ask the question. He fell for it. Didn't see what hit him....Until I told him, "Oh, that wasn't very nice of me. I totally entrapped you." He didn't get it. I explained. He lied, backpedaled, and lied some more. "I wouldn't lie to you about that." Yeah right. He lies when the truth sounds better.

So....I guess I won't be seeing him in two days as planned.

Today, I am ready to do all of the 12-steps. Bam! I'm ready to change. I turned around and no way am I looking back. My secret phone...Well, I smashed it with a sledgehammer I found on a workbench at work. Then, I ripped that phone in half and threw it away. I tore all pictures of him that I had into tiny pieces and threw them into a garbage can.

The other day, Husband and I went to a Chinese restaurant. When I opened my fortune cookie, I read, "Get ready for a new adventure." Today, I begin this adventure. I'll make it a good one.

PS--Thank you to everyone on this site for the rather disturbing wake up call. I didn't like it, but I suppose I needed it.
I actually feel rather relieved to have Finally found my escape!


"Now recovery begins! You're going to go through a grieving process but make a decision to not look back. Get a sponsor in a 12 Step Program and start the process of recovery. You already said the answer...the 12 Steps. These steps can only be worked properly with a sponsor. (people can convince themselves that this is not true but history has proven that it is) Good luck, Girlie! Repentance IS possible!

Alot of what you wrote was extremely hard for us men to read but I think we all needed to read it. Thank you! Some of us are oblivious to the damage we do to our own wives. It was good to see a counterpoint."
posted at 12:25:08 on July 13, 2012 by Anonymous
Thanks :)    
"Tomorrow, I was supposed to be with he who shall henceforth be named Voldemort (aka former "lover", or GM) or He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken. Instead, I will be at my very first 12-step meeting. Wow. I am nervous. Feeling all sorts of confusing emotions. I'll take advice I saw given on someone else's blog: Breathe in God, Breathe out fear.

No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around and come back home....."
posted at 12:42:23 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
Operation Burn Bridges In All Directions....    
"Begins now. The adversary cannot enter a door that is closed, or cross a bridge that does not exist."
posted at 12:45:24 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
Suffering big time. Feels like !@$#    
"Destroyed my phone. I want to email him. This meets the definition of insanity...Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
posted at 13:42:01 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
Damn. I'm dying over here. But not literally.    
"Emailed him. Told him I am not okay and that I smashed my phone. Oh, great. My husband is out of town and I need him Now. Oh, no. I can't take this. What am I going to do."
posted at 13:57:39 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
Reminder to self.....    
"Remember the second time....

You were mad about the first time he came to see you and you wound up in bed with him. You told him you were mad at him via email.


What did he do?

He came to your workplace's training facility when you were out of town at this training facility. He called the hotel you were staying at. He said, "I just need to apologize in person. This is not something you say over the phone. Plus, I just drove 800 miles."

He came to your room. You let him in. You threw your arms around him and put your head on his chest for an extended period of time. Then he said he drove a long time and just needed a shower. Okay, so you let him take a shower. What did he do afterward? Did he put his clothes back on? NO. He sat directly next to you on the bed wearing NOTHING. And he said he just wanted to apologize.

And what wound up happening?

Once again, you were all over him. Fail. DO NOT FORGET!!!!!!!!!"
posted at 14:11:18 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
And I'm still really, really horny for him.    
"Boo. I guess it's time for a long nap. :/ Maybe that will cure this. For now."
posted at 14:19:45 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
"You still need to talk to your husband. Thats the most important part."
posted at 14:43:49 on July 13, 2012 by BillW
keep fighting    
"You'll probably go through some withdrawals, but you gotta keep fighting. I find that when I am lonely, frustrated or in need of some company, my mind starts to wonder into bad thought world, and then I get into trouble. Try to keep your mind occupied with good thoughts. Sing a hymn, read something uplifting. I hate reading, so I would watch a good uplifting movie. Anything to get your mind off your current "horniness"! Keep fighting."
posted at 15:04:00 on July 13, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
You need to tell a real person    
"Awesome job smashing your phone!!

Get some help. Time to talk to the bishop. Find a sponsor.

Start with, "I've done something terrible, and I'm trying to keep from doing it again. I need help!!"

These accountability steps and getting people on your team will help you keep from going back.

Get a new email account. Now. Tell all of your family and friends your new email address except him and anyone who knows him. Never return to the old email account. Never email him again. He is Lucifer to you.

If Lucifer ever shows up where you are, stay in a public area and scream, "Get away from me! Help, someone, help! I don't want this man near me!" Don't ever be alone with him. Treat him like a dangerous stranger/kidnapper/rapist. He has the same intentions.

I realize you have feelings for him, and you are still attracted to him. You must tell yourself that those feelings are normal, considering what you have been through. It's possible those feelings could be similar to the Stockholm syndrome for victims. But just because you have feelings, desires, thoughts, and temptations does NOT mean you have to obey them. You can choose to do something different."
posted at 19:08:19 on July 13, 2012 by beclean
Notes to self....    
"Remember the last time you were together. Remember how terribly he treated you.

Remember this man told you, without solicitation, that he does not color his hair. He is 53 years old. Sometimes the hair on his head and down south is darker than at other times. It is not the same color as the hair on his chest. If he can lie to you about this really small thing without you even asking him, he will lie to you about bigger things, also.

Remember how he answered that seemingly harmless, yet Deadly question. Remember the lies and the backpedaling. Things are almost always as they appear to be.

Remember the very first time you had sex with him. Remember you made it Very clear you did not want to do that with him. Remember he verbally acknowledged that this would not happen. Remember he did this anyway and said, "I just lost control." Remember he has probably done this with other people.

Remember that he doesn't call you by name and there is probably a reason for this.

Remember the small things he says that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

Remember that he said that he feels bad for how this affected your husband..NOT for how it has affected you, even though you've made clear to him on many occasions how this was destroying you inside.

Remember his response to your objections in the past about seeing him. Remember he says things like, "You're just being emotional. We'll wait until your head is right."

Remember that he is friends with your current manager. You need to get another job ASAP. He could show up at your work to see his friend...or use that as an excuse.

Remember he likes to come to your state to go skiing in the winter. Remember he goes on a ski trip every year and has done this for a lot of years. Make it very hard for him to locate you by getting a different job. When you move, even if you still have the same job, remember to use your PO box as the address. Voldemort is a manager and you don't know what info he has access to. Maybe use husband's cell phone number as your phone number on the employment records.

Remember not to feel too bad about yourself. Remember the woman he lost his wife over..She is in her 50's while you are in your 30's and she has thinning hair and a hunch back. Remember that men at work quite often try to get you to sleep with them, so you are probably reasonably attractive and you go to the gym for 2 hours a day so you are probably in shape so these are probably not the reasons Voldemort is this way. He just chooses to be creepy."
posted at 19:24:52 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
You can't "think" your way out of this...    
"you need to take actions. Why wait until tomorrow to go to a meeting. You can't fight it in your head."
posted at 19:32:20 on July 13, 2012 by Anonymous
@Anonymous (last comment)--    
"Right. Tonight I am going to a movie with my oldest son since husband is out of town with the other 3 kids. Note to self--Go to a meeting in the morning. There are meetings, attend them."
posted at 19:34:04 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie
I agree with BeClean. you need to talk to a real person    
"Editing this entry. Thanks TheySpeak for calling me out for crossing the line.. Rereading it, it came out rather harsh with too many "you shoulds" when my intentions was to share what feelings worked for me .. duh.. I should have been using "I" terms.

Girlie -- Im so sorry.. I'm a social clutz and still learning. My intent was to share the feelings I felt when I finally felt my wife's pain...

here is the new edit what I think I intended..

"I second BeClean's thought that there is value in talking to a real person instead of confessing on this site.

From my experience when I was feeling triggered or tempted, being able to listen to my wife's pain was a HUGE deterrent in me feeling justified to act out. I wonder if I could have felt her pain earlier on in my addiction if I could have stopped..

Here's what I feel now.. Perhaps if you could see the pain I felt and still feel, it could add to the " dont do it" side of the decision process.

In the beginning when I told her part of what I did (it took me a while to get it all out)and I watched the shock and pain on her face.. my heart broke.

when she told me how she felt physically sick and I had wrecked our family and would probably be excommunicated.. my heart broke more.

When she couldn't sleep and would toss and turn with nightmares of my actions... I would cry to God to help her..

When I would awaken to her sobbing in her pillow.. I wanted to die.

When I realized that she isn't going to "get over this" anytime soon because of all the trauma in her life.. I feel sick, worthless and shameful.

When I would try as hard as I could to "make" her happy with no success, I felt like a failure.

When I would see her in pain, I would beg to God to let me suffer her pain... I wasn't allowed.. I hurt some more.

When I got enough sobriety to feel what it's like to hurt a human being worse than I've ever hurt someone before -- and that person was someone I vowed to protect.. I hurt all over.

There are days when I am feeling close to God and having a great day and I see my wife hurting.. I feel so guilty for that.

There are days when I think back how "much easier" it could have been to fess up and get help years ago.. but I didn't. I wasn't ready to stop being naughty.

Even now, every time I hear my wife sobbing, my heart breaks all over again. I feel terrible and I have to go through a ritual to cleanse myself of the shame so it doesn't drag me down into a depression cycle.

It's not fun. All of us here enjoy this part of the recovery process which for me is 100X harder than breaking the initial addiction.

I pray for you and your family that you will all be healed."
posted at 22:04:32 on July 13, 2012 by Hurtallover
Cool your J's Hurtallover    
"You have no clue if she'll "probably be excommunicated". That's non of your business. Sorry dog. That's the Lords.

And her story doesn't have to be anything like yours. Mine is nothing like it. All those things could be - but don't have to be. My wife and I have chosen a much different path. Hell, if that was our only choice...better to get a divorce. If you can't let go. We look at it like we're choosing to be with each other so we may as well choose to enjoy each other.

I get your trying to knock some sense into her frontal lob. But being overwhelmed and depressed doesn't help anyone. That's at least how I felt after reading you're condescending post.

Girlie, Beclean and everyone are right - get out and stay out of your head. Talk to someone. Make a connection. Your life can be so dope. I'm sure your husband and you have some shit to work through. But your life can be rad. You're not ditching this tool (a naked appology? lol, nerd alert) to settle for a second best hard depressing life. Be stoked! Things are gonna work out."
posted at 13:45:39 on July 14, 2012 by They_Speak
@They Speak    
"Thanks. :) I just gotta get over this first hurdle of withdrawal. This part Really sucks. Boo. :("
posted at 14:01:59 on July 14, 2012 by Girlie
Sorry. I crossed the line.    
"I edited my post.. the previous post was out of line."
posted at 00:05:01 on July 15, 2012 by Hurtallover
"It's okay. <3"
posted at 00:12:30 on July 15, 2012 by Girlie

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987