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Day 26
By They_Speak
7/12/2012 2:31:25 PM
Disclaimer: Venting. Cursing.

23 meetings. Frustrated. Ever since the full moon everything changed. Why can't i see clearly? I feel like a empty hollow shell. A breathing walking caracas. I've never went to meetings, ever, and not felt something...until lately. The f***??? If meetings don't charge me up...forget about it. Nothing will save me. I can't even go a month. I hate my brain. I want to blow it up all over the walls sometimes. That'll learn it.

This is how I feel now. This is how i'm going to respond. I'm going to go out side for the rest of my lunch and yell at God until I feel still. Then I'm going to meditate. I'm going to try and meditate the rest of the day. I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. I'm not going to force anything spiritual. I will have no expectations or attachments. Revelation wouldn't be rejected. I will reassert anew step 1 but add the rest of my life in with the addiction because clearly...i'm [edit-ing] powerless over my whole god damn life.. Man i wan to kill someone right now. So over this charade.

Comments:

Keep going, friend.    
"This process is long. Patience. Sometimes it takes a lifetime of fighting!

But the only way you lose is if you stop fighting.

The SAVIOR will SAVE you.

I think of Hymn 127, "Does the Journey Seem Long?"

http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=127&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=127&searchsubseqend=ZZZ"
posted at 14:53:06 on July 12, 2012 by beclean
Breathe...    
"this, too, shall pass.
Breathe in- God. Breathe out-fear.
Repeat."
posted at 15:12:20 on July 12, 2012 by Anonymous
Meeting 24    
"...went decent. I was fidgety as hell but I made it through. I'm glad i did. Man, the last year and a half has been tough. I think tonight I realized anew a place I once was mentally that works for me. For me powerlessness can't stop at my addiction. My whole life is a wreck. Accepting that I can even properly do step 1 without Gods help is key. I can't surrender; I can't let go of my pride; I can't feel the Spirit; I can't be a self respecting intelligent human being; I can't pray right; I can't manage getting up in the morning let alone my life...without God. What a relief. Giving up."
posted at 23:39:23 on July 12, 2012 by They_Speak
Hey....    
"They Speak--You are made for great things. Prayers sent up for you. Also sending you a big virtual {hug}. Hang in there, Dude."
posted at 08:42:47 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie


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