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Day 26
By They_Speak
7/12/2012 2:31:25 PM
Disclaimer: Venting. Cursing.

23 meetings. Frustrated. Ever since the full moon everything changed. Why can't i see clearly? I feel like a empty hollow shell. A breathing walking caracas. I've never went to meetings, ever, and not felt something...until lately. The f***??? If meetings don't charge me up...forget about it. Nothing will save me. I can't even go a month. I hate my brain. I want to blow it up all over the walls sometimes. That'll learn it.

This is how I feel now. This is how i'm going to respond. I'm going to go out side for the rest of my lunch and yell at God until I feel still. Then I'm going to meditate. I'm going to try and meditate the rest of the day. I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. I'm not going to force anything spiritual. I will have no expectations or attachments. Revelation wouldn't be rejected. I will reassert anew step 1 but add the rest of my life in with the addiction because clearly...i'm [edit-ing] powerless over my whole god damn life.. Man i wan to kill someone right now. So over this charade.

Comments:

Keep going, friend.    
"This process is long. Patience. Sometimes it takes a lifetime of fighting!

But the only way you lose is if you stop fighting.

The SAVIOR will SAVE you.

I think of Hymn 127, "Does the Journey Seem Long?"

http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=127&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=127&searchsubseqend=ZZZ"
posted at 14:53:06 on July 12, 2012 by beclean
Breathe...    
"this, too, shall pass.
Breathe in- God. Breathe out-fear.
Repeat."
posted at 15:12:20 on July 12, 2012 by Anonymous
Meeting 24    
"...went decent. I was fidgety as hell but I made it through. I'm glad i did. Man, the last year and a half has been tough. I think tonight I realized anew a place I once was mentally that works for me. For me powerlessness can't stop at my addiction. My whole life is a wreck. Accepting that I can even properly do step 1 without Gods help is key. I can't surrender; I can't let go of my pride; I can't feel the Spirit; I can't be a self respecting intelligent human being; I can't pray right; I can't manage getting up in the morning let alone my life...without God. What a relief. Giving up."
posted at 23:39:23 on July 12, 2012 by They_Speak
Hey....    
"They Speak--You are made for great things. Prayers sent up for you. Also sending you a big virtual {hug}. Hang in there, Dude."
posted at 08:42:47 on July 13, 2012 by Girlie


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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987