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Fall down 7 times, stand up 8?
By Girlie
7/11/2012 8:58:18 AM
I thought about smashing my secret phone that I use to talk to my lover. But I didn't do this. Yet. He called me. I felt sooooo happy to hear his voice. He wants to see me. Very soon. He is my drug of choice.

Yet, something is changing in him, it appears......

It's a good change, I think, because I secretly wish he would take this journey of repentance with me. But I realize that his repentance and my repentance are two different things. And he is a self-described former Catholic. He described to me his idea of repentance. He told me he feels repentance is just confessing to God one's sin. But, he said, if you feel that you need to confess to an ecclesiastical leader, he said he can go on the other side of town to a church he doesn't normally attend and go to confession there. Wow. It sounds so much easier to be Catholic--except for my beliefs are not in line with Catholicism, so that faith wouldn't really work for me.

My lover, he told me how he feels really bad about his part in how this affair has affected my family. This is kind of different from the man, my lover's former self, who told me affairs are good for marriages (a lie I never believed). He told me last night that it is really hard on him emotionally to deal with the fact that I am married. I can imagine. What a mess! :"(

It is kind of nice to see some change inside of my lover. I feel so bad because I didn't think he had any morals at all because of some of the things he's said to me. But it seems that he really does realize that the things we are doing are wrong.

Anyways, rewind......Prior to the phone call, I sent my lover an email to try to break up with him. This apparently didn't work. Still, I was too weak to follow through. He called me regardless of the email and he wants to see me. He told me he has feelings for me. :"( Unfortunately, I so want to see him.

My desire to quit is small now and inconsistent. :"(

I so wish my lover would take this journey of repentance with me. It's sad, because I realize that maybe if I turned around and repented, maybe that would compel my lover to repent, because I would no longer be in his life. I feel sad that I may be preventing this man that I love so much from repenting.

And now for my husband....

I keep thinking that if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, maybe I need to try watering my own lawn. *sigh*

What am I going to do about all of this? I'm going to keep working on my 12-step booklet and go to some meetings when I can. I'm going to keep going to church and reading the scriptures. I'm going to pray to God and beg him to have mercy on me, a sinner. I'm going to put myself, my husband, and my lover on the prayer roll at the temple by calling the prayer roll phone number.

Comments:

Are you serious?    
"It is SO sad and scary that you are oblivious to what is happening to you. You are literally going to lose everything you hold dear and you "think its kinda nice to see some changes in my lover".

Girl, you are in trouble! Do you understand that? You are going to lose your family! I worry that that is all but inevitable now. You need a drastic change of heart. But you first need the willingness to change. Pray for the "willingness" to change and perhaps ask for a new perspective on your situation. It is stomach-churning to watch from the sidelines because I know what is coming if something doesn't change and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Please...WAKE UP! You're being deceived."
posted at 10:03:25 on July 11, 2012 by Anonymous
I thought    
"...to myself "what could I possibly say to help?" As I pondered I came to the realization that, only your experience can teach you. The husk will reveal more to you than anyone can.

I will say this though, I'm confused; he feels so bad about "his part" he willing to...keep playing it? He's changed so much that he's...doing the exact same thing? Maybe I'm dumb, can you explain to me how anything that came out of his mouth is consistent with his intentions/actions?

You're killin me Girlie :)"
posted at 10:18:59 on July 11, 2012 by They_Speak
Can you say DIVORCE    
"Can you envision losing everything? Even worse than YOU losing everything is the untold damage you are doing to your husband and the eternal damage you are doing to your kids. You think that they don't know? They feel the presence of darkness because that is what is being brought upon the innocent children.

What a selfish woman you are.

Repent now please"
posted at 10:42:32 on July 11, 2012 by Anonymous
To the moron, above...    
"You crossed the line. How is that helpful?"
posted at 12:47:47 on July 11, 2012 by Anonymous
Yes, I know....    
"Yes, I know I am selfish and that I'm doing stupid things and I know what I have to lose. The thing is, I am addicted and I, myself, right now, am powerless to stop. I'm searching for a way out of this pit I have fallen into. I've tried to get out so many times and over such a long period of time--two years. I've tried marriage counselors, quitting cold turkey, I've tried scaring my lover away, I've tried being mean to him, NOTHING has worked. NOTHING. Still searching for a way out. I'm making progress. But it is moving very, very, slowly--unfortunately for me, my husband, and my lover. But it is moving forward. I can look back at the beginning and see some progress. It's very hard."
posted at 12:57:42 on July 11, 2012 by Girlie
From an Ex-husband    
"Girlie, I got a divorce three years ago. No cheating, just we were unhappy. My ex wife now lives 2,300 miles away from me, with my two daughters 11 & 12. I got to see them a few days in the last 365 days. It is the worst to have another man be step dad to my girls now. This economy keeps me from flying out there and being with them on special days/events. I'm lucky to get a text message from them every few days.

I am missing everything! She got remarried and they moved across the country for his work.
What would happen if your hubby got custody, and moved 2,000 miles away?

I could have fixed the marriage, but was deceived by the adversary and the demons he controls. I beg you to reconsider being the best mother in the world, and stand as a warrior to save your family.

All those spirits that were cast out of Heaven are here on earth, and they hate us. They are telling us all the wrong things, 24/7 365 days a year. They whisper in our ears, put thoughts in our minds, and they have thousands of years of experience, and millions of people that they have ruined. We are out matched, and the only way we can even the field is to follow the plan that Jesus gave us.

Satan, wants your family ruined. He wants you sad, and to die without gaining the knowledge of the Truth.

This is why they say, It's not easy but worth it. I'm 50 now, and nothing I have ever done, has compared to the love I experienced when my ex and I started a family. I wish I could have that again.

I don't want to say the wrong thing and cast judgment to you. I want you to be able to tell your children, with a gleam in your eye, about being truthful in all they do in life. We need a really strong generation in this near future, and they will only be strong, if they are raised in truth.

Now go be that strong Warrior Woman, and Be A Guiding Light in your Family!

Keep Praying every 15 min :)

Check out a book by Steven A. Cramer, "Putting on the Armor of God" Winning Your Battles with Satan."
posted at 13:30:52 on July 11, 2012 by r2d2
@R2D2 and the last anonymous comment    
"@Bottom Anonymous--Thank you. You're right, it was unhelpful. :)

@R2D2--Thanks for the recommendations. I'm trying. Haven't succeeded yet. I will most likely read the book. I'm seriously trying everything I can possibly think of, believe it or not. I realize the adversary will fill all available time and space and will use every resource possible to deceive us. In my case, it is my heart that is being used against me. I seriously never thought this would happen to me. I thought this only happened to people who didn't try as hard or something. Haven't yet figured out a way to break free of the feelings of my heart. Searching...."
posted at 14:01:36 on July 11, 2012 by Girlie
Pray vs. Pray    
"Glad you like it!
There is another book and its kindle (works on computers too) its like $3.00
www.amzn.com/B005ORNMAO

Its by the same guy, and how he overcomes his Goliath's

I'll pray for you if you throw a few prayers my way!

My Needs are:
overcoming alcohol - I'm bi-polar, and drinking makes my depression worse, then I feel bad, and go to the store and by beer the next night. Its a stupid cycle, (and Satan laughs every time -jerk)

Need funding to move to Bahamas and open a scuba resort.

Like to find a nice girl to go with me there."
posted at 15:02:39 on July 11, 2012 by r2d2
In case it's not clear...    
"Your lover has absolutely NO intention of changing or repenting. You know that, right?

If repentance is the road you want to take, you MUST make the trip without him.

I hope and pray your husband is willing to make it with you. The sooner you start, the more likely he will. Keep working the steps. Keep posting. Keep reporting here when you are tempted...

Oh, and if you need another vote for smashing your phone and never meeting with your lover again, you have mine...of course, I'm not saying it's easy."
posted at 22:21:06 on July 11, 2012 by beclean
I think you should go for it...    
"first of all, I'm not worthy to judge you one tiny bit. I'm going to take a different tack. Why not just go for it? Your lover said he was going to start repenting himself. I'm sure he will be a great provider for you. I'm sure he will be faithful to you.....because you are different. Plus you will get all that great sex with him EVERY DAY!!! Just do it right.. Divorce your husband and marry him. Be fair to your husband.

I say just go into it with your eyes wide open. Understand and accept the consequence of your choices.

That being said, based on the small amount of information you've shared with us, I would bet dollars to donuts that your lover is an addict too, uses porn and has several friends with benefits besides you that he doesn't tell you about -- especially if he lives so far away. I bet he isn't going many days without getting some. It's pretty common for addicts to be attracted to each other.

The thing that sucks about this drug called sex addiction is that is messes up your ability to make good choices. Every bad choice I have made in my addiction, I did it with full justification in my head! I never did something against my choices.. My best decision making skills left me with a wife that still cries at night and doesn't trust me and kids that don't respect me. I look back now with shame and regret wondering HOW THE CRAP DID I MAKE THOSE CHOICES? It started with crossing the line just a little bit and thinking the grass was a litter greener and that I deserved some greener grass and that I could come back to my own pasture when I scratched the itch. Today when I get a ugly feeling or temptation, I like to fast forward through the consequences of acting on that feeling and see if I'm willing to pay the price. This has worked for me.

We had a friend on this site about a year ago named Sierra that documented her falling for a lover.. as she crossed the line, she stopped posting on here to chase after her true bottom. It was really sad.

We know the choices are hard. We've all been there. You are fighting a battleship with a peashooter. You are powerless to fight this on your own but it has to be your choice to start and let God do the fighting.

so what are you going to do?

(I vote for smashing the phone or sim card. Take your secret email accounts and let your husband have the passwords or delete the accounts so you cant re-enable the accounts. delete his email address and phone numbers so you cant look it back up. you will suffer for months as you get your sobriety back. It's worth it)

my 3 cents"
posted at 23:44:08 on July 11, 2012 by Hurtallover
excellent comments    
"Sierra's story is a sad, painful memory."
posted at 00:33:24 on July 12, 2012 by beclean
@BeClean    
"What is Sierra's story?"
posted at 08:29:19 on July 12, 2012 by Girlie
@BeClean    
"Never mind. Answered my own question."
posted at 11:43:51 on July 12, 2012 by Girlie


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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation‚ÄĚ. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006