Affair Recovery--Be not overcome of evil...
By Girlie
7/7/2012 9:01:25 AM
Romans 12:21--Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Thinking about this today. Maybe this is the key to getting over my lover. I am still involved with this man. I've tried sooooooooooo many times to break it off with him--I can't even count how many times I've tried. But we seem to always get in contact with each other once again. He still wants to see me. And my heart and my body want to see him Badly. But part of my heart (not as much of it as I would like) and my head--well, I know it is a very bad idea to see this man, as I am so addicted to him.

Maybe if I fill my life with as much good as possible, the light will expand to fill all of the darkness....This is important because I've come to realize that temptation will expand to fill all available time and space.

What have I done so far? Well, I watch zero television, and only wholesome movies on occasion, at a theater (with my husband). I quit listening to most music. For years, I've just listened to classical, contemporary Christian, and hymns. I am very careful to dress modestly. I also read my scriptures daily and go to church weekly. Yes, I know that I need to do more. Maybe what I am doing would be enough for some, but it is not enough for me. I'm working on ideas of more good that I can put into the empty spaces in my time and space.

No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around. God allows U-turns.


I feel so lost. Woke up with this song on my mind:

Some turn to a bottle.
Some turn to a drug.
Some turn to another's arms.
But it seems that it's never enough.

Well, I won't say that you will never fail again.
But there is grace, to wash away your every sin.

If you're scared that you don't matter,
If you're lost and need to be found,
If you're looking for a Savior,
All you gotta do is turn around

(Matt Maher--Turn around)


Hope you don't have to lose too much    
"I believe we will all turn around... And I absolutely love that song. It has been a fav for a long time.

We cannot make turn it around until we really want to. When the pain of what we have lost, or will lose is more than the desire for our drug of choice, that is when it all changes.

Some people can tolerate more than others. Some have to lose more than others. Some have to be left alone and lose their job, home, family, etc... Others turn based upon the thought of losing the love and respect of their family. You will never lose the love of God, but everything else is absolutely up for grabs.

I believe that you are off to a good start by coming on here and admitting that your life is out of control. It is the first step. Have you spoken with a bishop or gone to 12 step meetings yet? If so, yay!!! keep up the good work. If not, I know the idea of going to a 12 step meeting is more than scary. But I promise that the fear of going is so much more daunting that actually reaching out for help.

There is so much hope and I pray that you will get the help now so that you do not have to hurt yourself or anyone else anymore.

God's grace is there to heal you, you just need to take a few baby steps.

posted at 00:39:20 on July 8, 2012 by angelmom
what I did during this early sobriety phase    
"Read through your posts. At first I dismissed theyour posts - thinking "she's just infatuated with this person. It's only one person. That's not an addiction. she doesn't have family of origin issues." anyways I repent and apologize. Your issue is serious and important to you. There are probably some commonalities.

Most of us had to make some drastic steps in the early days of recovery to stop the behaviors. Some of us went to a 12 step meeting every day for 90 days. Others did other things. The common point is -- you have to retrain your brain and fill it with other stuff. You are working on that but I suspect you are still drawn to thinking about him. You are in effect 'white knuckling' your recovery.

Before I was in recovery, I tried to stop using my own tools -- I tried to stop masturbating a million times. I would block my own internet access. I would try to be nicer to people. This all failed. I was trying to sink a battleship with a peashooter. Impossible.

When I started recovery, I still struggled with salacious thoughts at first. There were some key changes I made that made the difference.
1. I realized I was powerless myself to overcome this but God could overcome this. That sounds silly to people without a program.. It means that when we are struggling, we bundle up the anxiety and struggle and emotionally hand it over to God to deal with and walk away.. Fighting directly against the temptation is impossible. Satan will tire you out and after a few weeks you are digging up your cell phone or re-enabling internet. When I had strong temptations, I would tell God -- this one is yours and go find something else to do. I got a LOT of chores done around the house in those early weeks.

2. I opened up to trusted people about my addiction. LDSAR was part of that. But I found support with Sex addicts anonymous program. I got a sponsor that I called every day to report how I was doing- good or bad.

3. I attended 12 step meetings about 3-4X week in the beginning. I could see other people suffering and I found compassion for them. that helped me think about them instead of poor me.

4. Find the root cause of your anxiety. Most addictions and infatuations are the medicine for something not in balance in ourselves. I eventually realized that my bad thoughts were preceded by boredom, anxiety about work, resentments toward my spouse, etc. I worked hard to identify those trigger feelings and short circuit them before I got stuck thinking about bad stuff. I spent hours in counseling understanding myself and how I tick. Learning to be happy on my own without medicating with bad stuff.

That's what worked for me.. Your mileage may vary. the big thing is -- what are you willing to sacrifice to fix yourself? you can do it if you can be honest with yourself and over time."
posted at 08:32:49 on July 8, 2012 by Hurtallover
"@Angelmom--Yeah, I hope I don't have to loose too much, also. I am well aware of the consequences and potential consequences of my actions. And yet, I've been unable to stop on my own. I've talked with the bishop many times about this situation. I've attempted repentance multiple times. But the longest I've been able to go without my lover is one month. I feel exactly like the meth addicts seemed on a show I watched once upon a time about drug interventions. These people knew the drug was destroying their lives. Yet they were powerless to stop on their own. This problem is bigger than me. I am weak and do not have strength. But I know God has endless strength to offer me. I just need to turn to him and give up my pride and be humble. I'm trying to find the desire to give up my lover. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. Hopefully I make it over this mountain soon. Been struggling with him for years now. :"(

@Hurtallover--Thank you for the perspective from one, yourself, who has struggled with addiction. And it really doesn't matter to me whether or not other people think what I have is an addiction or not an addiction. :)"
posted at 09:15:46 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie

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"When I'm tempted, I simply set it aside, and move on."

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