Day 19
By They_Speak
7/5/2012 5:14:13 PM
Acted out last night and today. I'm actually not as pissed as usual... I was really set on 90 days of sobriety though. I just want to understand. The best part about being X communicated is how many possibilities there could be for answers to my recovery, spiritual progression, etc.. I used to think I knew the answers - I had the 1 true gospel. I thought I just needed to see my already had answers from a different angle, vantage point, light. I thought I just needed more faith or more prayer or more whatever. It's a good feeling to ask God what I'm to do and not presuppose His answers because I've read the scriptures and heard other answers from other men/women. I don't feel obligated, out of religious sincerity, to execute my understanding of the was a dead effort anyway. Maybe the answers have nothing to do with anything thats already in my tiny brain. The only reason I'm saying this is because I could say, as I've done a billion times before, "oh, I should have called my sponsor" "oh, I should have told my wife" "oh, I should have surrendered" 'oh, I should have got more sleep" and then I would have stayed sober and next time doing those things will ensure sobriety. But I didn't do those things. I don't ever always bang on all cylinders. I don't know that I ever will. So, what am I to do? What am I to understand?


Day 20    
"Tonight I went to a meeting that I hadn't been to in over 6 months. The last time I went was the a day and half after I returned from a solo journey into the southern Utah desert. For a week I wasn't within a hundred miles of another person. I was my only company. Even now, recalling it as I write, bares emotion. It was the greatest experience of my life. It was all I could think about in the meeting. All i could recall. How much I've lost! How easily I forget!.. How sweetly I remember. I remember needing the relief of the meeting that night as I transitioned, even for 1 day, back to the pace and noise of Babylon. I had walked out of Beauty. My stillness was disturbed. And like dew from heaven the peace of meeting re-rested, and rested upon, my soul. Sometime when I have more time I'll have to write about the desert.

Tonight I read this (the clip below) and coupled with my experience in the desert and yesterdays post I thought it relatable. Curious. I feel increasingly akin to Sidhartha. Maybe my small audience here will see little connection but in writing truly as Neil A. would say "I, am my primary audience."

"I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me," said the young man. "I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, to argue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions. But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for a single moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you are Buddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards which so many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way. You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the course of your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, through meditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has not come to you by means of teachings! And—thus is my thought, oh exalted one,—nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will not be able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words and through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment! The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it teaches many to live righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuing my travels—not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often, I'll think of this day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man."

Hesse, Hermann (2009-10-04). Siddhartha (pp. 29-30). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition."
posted at 00:25:03 on July 7, 2012 by They_Speak

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981