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Affair Recovery: Step 2
By girlie
7/5/2012 12:57:30 PM
Step 2: I believe the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health.

I can't do this on my own. Seriously, I've become a slave to my addiction. I've not been able to break free.

Thinking about breaking entirely free from my lover and burning bridges in all directions--now this REALLY hurts. The pain is so great that I almost feel it would be better to die than to go through the pain of losing my lover. But I realize this pain will go away eventually. Losing him hurts so bad.:"(

Right now, I have a small flicker of a will to change. Is this enough? I don't know. It's been said: “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." (Henry Cloud)

I don't want to reach that point. The pain of changing is so extreme. I realize the pain of staying the same could get worse than my pain in changing. It's kind of scary.

I should want to change for myself and for my family. But I'm not at that level--Yet. Now, I'm just thinking so much about how even though I am so in love with my lover, I know he is completely bad for me. He reminds me of the snake in this story:

The Little Boy and The Rattlesnake

The little boy was walking down a path and he came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake was getting old. He asked, "Please little boy, can you take me to the top of the mountain? I hope to see the sunset one last time before I die." The little boy answered "No Mr. Rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you'll bite me and I'll die." The rattlesnake said, "No, I promise. I won't bite you. Just please take me up to the mountain."

The little boy thought about it and finally picked up that rattlesnake and took it close to his chest and carried it up to the top of the mountain. They sat there and watched the sunset together. It was so beautiful.

Then after sunset the rattlesnake turned to the little boy and asked, "Can I go home now? I am tired, and I am old." The little boy picked up the rattlesnake and again took it to his chest and held it tightly and safely. He came all the way down the mountain holding the snake carefully and took it to his home to give him some food and a place to sleep. The next day the rattlesnake turned to the boy and asked, "Please little boy, will you take me back to my home now? It is time for me to leave this world, and I would like to be at my home now."

The little boy felt he had been safe all this time and the snake had kept his word, so he would take it home as asked. He carefully picked up the snake, took it close to his chest, and carried him back to the woods, to his home to die. Just before he laid the rattlesnake down, the rattlesnake turned and bit him in the chest. The little boy cried out and threw the snake upon the ground. "Mr. Snake, why did you do that? Now I will surely die!"

The rattlesnake looked up at him and grinned, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

He's told me who he really is. I really know better.

I'll just write some notes today, and then I'll do some stuff from the 12-step booklet I downloaded. Not going to go to meetings--it sounds like I'd be the only female. That would be odd.

I struggle with this man. This man struggles with me. I hear it in his voice. He seems lonely without his wife (as he is now divorced). He seems addicted to me also.

Two nights ago, I screwed up and called him. Oh, I missed him so much. He said he was glad I called him because he didn't want to call me since last week my husband called him and said some mean things to him. He said my husband told him not to call me anymore. I'd called him from work. My husband will not have a record of the call. Then, last night, my lover called me. I felt so happy when I saw he called. He wants to see me, he said. He must be addicted to me, also, if he keeps buying these plane tickets that cost hundreds of dollars just so he can fly across the country to see me.

I hurt for my lover. I hurt for myself. I hurt for my sweet husband. What a mess!

There are some things I want everyone to know:

YOU are at risk of having an affair. Every One Is At Risk. I go to church every Sunday. I read my scriptures every day. I am a primary teacher. We have Family Home Evening and family scripture study. My husband and I go on dates once a week. When I was worthy, I would go to the temple often. I pray often. I used to fast often, before my affair. I will tell you where I went wrong, that you can be wiser than I was. Please don’t make the same mistakes. You will go through the hell I am going through if you have an affair. It is so painful. It’s been said that a wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from the mistakes of others. Be the wiser man or woman.

First of all, I went wrong by taking prescription medication. I, myself, should not have taken the medicine. I was taking antidepressants to help myself deal with my husband’s repeated job losses. Unfortunately, I thought I needed these so I could get out of bed every day. But these medications made me comfortably numb, to a large degree. Things that should have bothered me didn’t bother me so much.

Another place I went wrong was in underestimating the power of attraction, and the power of “in love” feelings. If you are married, and you feel an extreme attraction to someone, DO NOT underestimate the power of these things. You are not good enough. You are not strong enough. The adversary will use your natural feelings against you. Maybe you can’t help feel attracted to someone or in love with someone. Maybe these things are not your fault. But we control what we do in response to these feelings. I should have changed shifts or changed jobs. But I thought I could handle the situation. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Now, I am bound by the chains of my addiction to this man. Now, my feelings of attraction to this man are so strong, I can’t even describe them. Now, often I feel I’d rather die than lose my lover. Yet I realize I am better off with my husband than with my lover. I realize I have a greater chance at happiness with my husband than I would with my lover.

My 12-step booklet posed a question: How do I feel trapped? I feel trapped by these chains of addiction. I feel powerless over my feelings and over my actions. I feel like I just MUST talk to my lover and like I MUST have tons and tons of sex with him. I feel most trapped at night when I am at work. That’s when we normally talk. That’s when we normally meet in a rented room. And that’s all we really have, a rented room.

And these things are ruining my life, and the lives of my husband and children. I wish I could just choose to stop. But I, alone, cannot. I realize this. I need God to intervene. I need to find a way to invite Him into my life to let him change me.

Comments:

thanks for sharing    
"Your posts are interesting to read. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It sounds like you have alot to spill. So sorry about your mess. I wish you the best of luck. Just a comment about antidepressants. They are very safe in the right situations. I have also been on one for years and I have never felt this numbness you describe. They help ME function like a normal human being. Only reason I bring this up is b/c I am a pharmacist and started thinking about the millions of people in antidepressants. This is neither here, nor there. Anyways I wish you the best in your struggles."
posted at 14:57:37 on July 5, 2012 by asdfjkl1234


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988