Print
Affair Recovery: Step 1
By girlie
7/5/2012 12:51:46 PM
I am an LDS woman. I am a wife. I am a mother.

I had an affair.

This is my deepest regret. I've made many attempts at repentance, but failed repeatedly.

This is my journey to overcoming my addiction to this other man.

12 Steps to Addiction Recovery

Step 1: I, myself, am powerless to overcome my addiction. I've tried and failed many times. My life has become unmanageable.

How did I get to this point? About four years ago, I was introduced to my then manager, my lover, by my then supervisor. Immediately, I was extremely attracted to him. Never had I known such extreme electromagnetic attraction in my entire life. Definitely, I thought, he was the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen. Also, I felt he was my worst nightmare.

The entire two years we worked together, there was nothing inappropriate between us. Yet, every time I'd see him, my knees felt like they were made entirely of Jell-o.

I moved away. We started emailing each other. This is something I know is wrong. But I did this anyway. I've asked myself why I would do this. In retrospect, I feel I was able to email him without feeling too bad about it because at the time I was taking a lot of prescription medication for depression. I took it because I just wanted to be able to get out of bed every day and I felt to terrible inside because I didn't know how to deal with my husband's challenges with obtaining and retaining a job. At the time, I didn't realize that maybe it would have been better to feel bad for a while than to feel numb to the things I really Need to and Should feel.

So I didn't feel too bad about emailing him. Then, I started to get scared. I had this feeling that I was going to wind up sleeping with him, even though we live over a thousand miles away from each other. Unfortunately, I told this man about my fears. Big mistake. There was a terrible misunderstanding. Somehow, he took my telling him about my fear to mean, "Let's sleep together."

He pressured me so much. I'd never known such pressure. He'd even get angry with me when I resisted the pressure.

I was so weak for him. And so addicted. I'd become powerless to see this situation for what it really was. At the same time, I'd become very sick because of the medications I'd been taking. I could barely get out of bed anymore. After realizing the medications were the cause, I threw every single pill in the garbage can and went through a month of withdrawal symptoms.

But I could now Feel. Really Feel. No longer did I have that certain degree of comfortable numbness I'd enjoyed. I realized what I'd gotten myself into and I felt extremely terrible inside because of this. So I quit talking to him.

After a few weeks, I started to feel better about life. Then I screwed up. I sent him an email. Then he called me. [br][br]Months later, he came to visit me when I was out of town. I didn't know why he was there. When he called me up and told me he was in town, I told him, "I can't see you. I can't see you. I'm scared." It was the middle of the night. Almost midnight. He told me we wouldn't have sex. I got in his car. It was so scary. I didn't know where he was going or what he was doing. I asked him what he wanted to do. He pulled into a parking lot, parked the car, and turned off the ignition. He said, "I think we should just sleep." He got out of the car. I followed him. We were at a hotel. Oh, no! I didn't know anyone there. I didn't have a phone on me. He already rented a room for us (I guess he was pretty sure of himself). I followed him into the room where we did some very foolish and unfortunate things.

Now, a year and a half later, we have slept together several times. We have broken up and reconciled a number of times. We've talked on the phone with each other on so many nights when I was at work (I work nights).

Two weeks ago, I told him we must not speak to each other ever again. I even buried my cell phone that I used to talk to him. A few days later, I dug up the cell phone and called him.

I could lose my marriage and my family over this man. I am so addicted. The really stupid thing is that I know I would not be happy with this man. When he was married, he cheated on his wife with another woman and his wife left him. I became involved with him while he was separated from his wife. My lover has told me that he feels he is doing my marriage a favor because he feels I need to get away from it sometimes (False). My lover has told me that he feels married people should sleep with other people to keep things fresh (Disgusting). He's told me he wants to be "friends with benefits" (NIGHTMARE!!!). When I've expressed objections to being in this situation with him, he tells me I'm just being emotional. Epic Fail.

I know he is so bad for me but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo addicted to him. I just want another hit of my favorite drug, my lover. This is ruining my life. I need out, but I, myself, am powerless. I need to find a way to let God in so He can intervene in my life.

It's been one week since my last contact with my lover.

Comments:

Have you told anyone?    
"The first time I ever opened up about having an affair was on this site over 2 years ago. But that wasn't enough. I related a lot to your story. I felt my blood pump a little (lot) as I read about the fear etc. My "lover" was an intoxicating drug as well. I knew all the things you seem to know but it wasn't until I told another live human being everything that I started to emotionally grasp what my mind knew all along. Prior to really spillin my guts to people that cared and could hold me accountable I just felt like an observer. Out side my own life. It wasn't real. Looking back I'm baffled by how much the secrecy alone bonded us. I'd often ask myself "would I respond or care about this person and this relationship this much if it was all out in the open? If she wan't the keeper of this great secret...and my soul." I told my best friend one day because I knew if I didn't I'd call her even though I knew she was crazy and deadly. As I told him and others my nightmare became real. Which was good. I want to be awake. Dude, I feel for you. I haven't talked to her in over a year and half and still I sometimes think about her. Crazy cleaveth unto crazy I guess. Good luck. Tell someone.

p.s. in rereading I was surprised to find "sometimes" instead of "and still I always think about her." Never in a million years woulda thought back then I'd be able to one day look back on her or about us rarely or casually. It gets easier."
posted at 15:58:40 on July 5, 2012 by They_Speak
@They Speak    
"Yeah, I've told my husband, the bishop, and a close friend.

Thanks for the encouragement. I so look forward to getting over this man. :)"
posted at 12:02:32 on July 6, 2012 by girlie
This man    
"...needs a swift kick in the nuts if you ask me :) (no offense)

That's good you've told people. Do you stay honest? Are you committed to keep telling them? I noticed you mentioned contact from work so your husband couldn't track it. I know you already know this but all i'm saying is if I called my special friend in secrecy right now I'd be right back where I was. All the bean spilling would be useless till I was ready to be honest again. Secrecy, for me, can be the fuel of lustful ecstasy. But maybe thats just me.

I guess in some ways I lucked out. My lover left well enough alone for the most part when the party was kind of obviously over. I can't imagine if she kept pursuing me even after officially parting ways.

I'm curious, what do you like about this guy? It seems like the only nice things you have to say about him is that he's attractive (nothin wrong with that - i'm just trying to understand more)."
posted at 01:32:40 on July 7, 2012 by They_Speak
@They_Speak    
"Well, I haven't told my husband the Entire truth. Maybe I should. Well, I like that he is weak-in-the-knees gorgeous, and he's brilliant, and he has some mad bedroom skills. All very shallow reasons for me to like him, but that's just how it is, I suppose. I guess I'm attracted to him, but at the same time he really sort of scares me. Odd, huh?"
posted at 11:08:53 on July 7, 2012 by Girlie
Not Odd at all    
"Familiar. Frighteningly familiar. That's exactly what I would have said! I know our situations are different and i'm not trying to over relate or pretend I know anything at all but genuinely, I would have said the exact same thing to describe her. She was ultra smart. Especially in reading people. She could keep up with me. Challenge me. Which isn't easy to do. I loved every second of it. She was beautiful. A stereo typical 10. The bedroom - she was my real live porn star in looks, deeds, and vibes. Even in spiritual matters in a Charles Manson (crazy) kind of way we aligned. Sometimes I thought god wanted us together. Maybe he did hell I don't know. BUT, she also scared the [edit] out of me. Her mind...she was cunning. And mean. And manipulative. She was also a lier. That's why it in the end it became easier to let go of - because as I told others and came out of the darkness I could see more clearly the situation for what it was. In normal life I don't deal with malicious or overtly selfish manipulators. Period. I write them off like the rich write off taxes. But when I was duped by "love"...well.

Anyway, I guess thats the reason I stress the entire truth. Because I know how important it was for me in order to accept and let go of the bad...with the good. If that makes sense. I'm the type that needs a few sounding boards and outside perspectives to accurately appraise a situation. Can't do that when there was just me and her in a cesspool of lies and love.

p.s. I'm not suggesting tell your husband details. Good god don't tell him the details. The devil is in the details. He doesn't want to know them if he knows whats good for him :) I'm not even suggesting you necessarily tell him anything (the SA White Book has some great wisdom on this subject if you haven't peeped it). I'm just saying tell someone everything so they can help you capture the deception."
posted at 12:21:28 on July 7, 2012 by they_Speak
theyspeak,    
"That was really profound, how you were able to use your experience to help girlie. You illustrated, perfectly, how a person who has been through it and overcome, is the best authority on the subject. Thank you! It helped me to realize something I had been wondering about."
posted at 18:33:02 on July 7, 2012 by Anonymous
Reply to They Speak    
"@They Speak--Yeah, my lover lies a lot, also--and about really dumb things to lie about. Now, I am becoming like this. I've lied to my husband about whether or not I've been in contact with my lover and about whether or not I've been with my lover. I can't stand being like this. Yeah, I agree about the entire truth. I need to tell him. But I've told him none of the bedroom details between my lover and me. All he knows is that we've been together. Thank you for your insight into things. :)"
posted at 09:19:57 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie
@They_Speak    
"What is SA? What is the SA white book? How do I find 12-step meetings? I've been searching for these on the Internet and I've even sent emails to a sexaholics anonymous group inquiring about meeting locations, with no response. And the church website is of no help, either. Boo."
posted at 09:21:21 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie
@They_Speak    
"What is SA? What is the SA white book? How do I find 12-step meetings? I've been searching for these on the Internet and I've even sent emails to a sexaholics anonymous group inquiring about meeting locations, with no response. And the church website is of no help, either. Boo."
posted at 09:42:16 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie
@Anonymous    
"Thanks :)"
posted at 13:50:35 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie
Affairs    
"My LDS best friend had an affair with my LDS husband. It can hit anyone. Such a hard thing to deal with. Hang in there. My husband had a sexual addiction that I did not know about he has started SA and is doing better. We are separated and this is hard on our 7 kids but I do feel it's best for what is going on now."
posted at 09:59:11 on October 26, 2012 by Anonymous
To Affairs    
"This comment hit me like a Rock. I recently found out that my best friend even knowing about my husbands sexual addiction came to him for help with problems in her own marriage. I knew her and her husband had some serious problems and I was there for her as she was there for me when my husband was struggling with viewing pornography. We have known each other and have been there for each other for 4 years. I could not believe when I found out she went to him for her own problems especially after she knew his problems. They had an affair for over a year. I just found out a few weeks ago. It's so depressing. Something that has helped me stay strong is reading articles on LDS.org also I have started in therapy. I am moving in with my family for awhile until I can decide what I want to do. I really feel for everyone that has to deal with being on either side of an affair."
posted at 18:13:56 on November 12, 2012 by Anonymous
Dear Anonymous--    
"Prayers sent up for you. I don't know how it is to be on the other side of an affair. All I know is that my affair was NOT worth it. :/ Hang in there."
posted at 12:49:33 on November 13, 2012 by g1rlie
To both Affairs    
"My gosh I feel for both of you!! She could not be a friend if she could do this to you. Get your self into therapy for sure. I could not imagine my best friend doing this to me but I am sure this has been hard on both of you. God loves you and really just make sure you are getting help of some kind. Make prayer apart of your day and use the power of prayer to get you through this trail. I will be praying for you both and all others who have shared on this board."
posted at 14:58:44 on December 18, 2012 by Anonymous
To Affairs    
"It's me again! Life is getting better. The pain of my husbands and my best friends affair was more than I thought I could handle. I am still living with my family and want to move back home but I am not sure I can deal with going to church each sunday since we are in the same ward. I really never want to be around her again. Forgiving and going to ward functions and seeing her each and every sunday are 2 different things. My husband has been coming to my families ward for months but last week we did go to our home ward and she was there. It was so uncomfortable. My husband and I are doing fairly well and I feel my move back home will be within a few months now. How on earth do I get by seeing her at church. Maybe we should change wards but I don't want to make it hard on my kids all teens who have grown up in this ward. My oldest son will be getting ready for his mission and I don't want it to be uncomfortable for any of us. This is a hard spot to be in. Sorry for this being so long."
posted at 09:57:24 on April 25, 2013 by Anonymous
some thoughts    
"I think you should move home. If you and your husband are doing ok I believe you really should and if the other woman is really sorry I don't think it should be hard to go to your ward with her. She will leave you alone I would think. Also it's good for your kids to see that you can carry on and not let the other woman control you. God wants all his children to get along. Would you be able to live with her in heaven? Something to think about."
posted at 11:03:58 on May 29, 2013 by Anonymous
Forgiving and trusting are two different things    
"I've never been married, but I'm the type who likes to bring things out in the open. Have you talked to her (the other woman) alone? Have you let out all the rage and anger and sense of betrayal in her presence, with just the two of you? And then let her at least offer an apology? I think this needs to be done, and you are the one who needs to initiate it. Then you need to forgive her, and your husband. Even though what they did was morally outrageous.

This does not mean that you ever condone what they did. This does not mean that you ever trust her again, or that you have to be best friends (or friends at all) again. This simply means that you get the bitterness and anger out of your system. And that you forgive them both from your heart.

Pray about it and talk to your bishop and therapist about it, but at least consider it and pray about it. But until you do bring it out in the open with her, you will always feel awkward and uncomfortable, that much I do know. And you should not be the one who feels uncomfortable in this situation. After all, you were the victim."
posted at 13:14:58 on May 29, 2013 by dog
Forgiveness    
"My sister is a not exactly what I would call an active member of the church and is very promiscuous. She has made a lot of porn that is out on the internet and my husband found it. Long story, but I'll leave it at that. Of all the things he has done, this is the one I find hardest to deal with. I withdrew from my husband for a long time and didn't speak to my sister for a year. I slowly started speaking with her again on the phone but I haven't seen her in about three years now. I am set to go visit her in a month and it is bringing up all sorts of issues for me. My husband and sister didn't have sex and so just to think about what you are going through is so terrible. The pain my situation causes me is so strong it is physical sometimes. My heart goes out to you because I can only guess at how hard it is.

Do all the priesthood leaders involved know the whole story? Are they helping at all? I am so sorry. I know that forgiveness is real and that it can be given for all of us from Christ....but also we can forgive all of our brothers and sisters too for what they do to us. That doesn't mean that we don't have boundaries. God is a God of boundaries himself so I think we should have firm rules in place to protect ourselves and the innocents around us. But I also think that you should take whatever time you need to fully process your way and don't put yourself in a damaging place. I am so sorry for what you are going through."
posted at 21:04:17 on May 30, 2013 by maddy


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987