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Day 10
By They_Speak
6/27/2012 1:16:35 AM
79 meetings to go and a lot of recovery. Dont have much to say. Yesterday sucked. Instead of going hiking with my friend I sat around all day and tussled with temptation. Don't know how I made it through sober (by my current definition). I looked up massage parlors on an unlocked ipad half the day but "didn't see anything" or "do anything". How I didn't end up looking at porn and dancin with myself is a mystery. I ended up going to 2 meetings at the end of the day, talking to my wife about it and locking down or getting rid of completely the last remaining items of technology. Also called my sponsors. So I count it as a victory over lust because i think in fact it was but emotionally it still feels like an utter failure.

Then today work was awful. I may have to quit to avoid getting fired for attendance. Puncuality can kiss my grits. I hate it. Fortunately I've been self employed most my life so 5 minutes here and there haven't hurt me. It's frustrating to know you do a job well but something like tardiness can make such a difference. Life's terms I guess. I hate life's terms.

Anyway, it just seems like not a lot in life is going right at the moment. I started all this anew thinking, hoping, the worst day sober would be better than the best day pissed drunk on lust and whatever else...

Comments:

hmm    
"it seems like you aren't quite taking this completely serious. I know you just started fighting, when I ddi I was aways skeptical of myself and what I was capable of. But, as time goes by, and you start to realize how filthy and useless porn is, I think you will really fight hard.

best of luck"
posted at 01:00:31 on June 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
Hmm    
"It seems you don't quite know me completely very well. I've been wrong before though. What do you suggest I do to take it more serious?

I don't need luck"
posted at 11:48:20 on June 28, 2012 by They_Speak
They Speak is serious    
"And he is doing great. Keep it up, man! It's fun to read your journal posts. Even though there is not much the rest of us can add, I hope it's helping you!"
posted at 12:00:22 on June 28, 2012 by beclean
I don't know you at all    
"unless you secretly live in my town..

saying ur not taking this serious is probably bad word choice. But what I mean is searching those phrases that red line "bad" takes a state of mind. Like, you want to but you know you shouldn't, but this isn't so bad so I can search it, if it excites me it's not bad cuz it's not porn. So I'll search it, if I get too excited I'll switch it off. But deep down, you really want to see something.

I've done this a lot when I'm like, a few days sober of porn. It doesn't work, 9 out of 10 times I look up real porn because I get too excited. It may not be immedietly, but it could be in a few hrs or the next day.

so, when I say take it serious, is make the hard choice in ur mind that you can't even afford to look up the not so "bad" stuff."
posted at 14:58:36 on June 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
Interesting    
"I don't remember saying its not so bad. I remember saying I didn't do anything (actually go to massage parlor or masterbate to the thought) and I didn't see any naked girls. Then I went to 2 meetings. Called my sponsors. Talked to my wife about the iPad and an old lap top which were the last 2 things of many that gave me quick access to porn etc and locked um down. I'm still sober 4 days later. If perfection will convince you of my seriousness or proper mind state, sorry Charly, you're barking up the wrong tree.

PS your second paragraph (which is exactly what I was doing)...I've never heard an addicts story that didn't follow that or a similar pattern. It's not for lack of seriousness. It's for lack of sanity. It's the insanity of the first drink they talk about in AAs big book. The mind state you speak of is crazy mind state. Good thing there's a program for crazy people I suppose :). I read some of your story. I have more to say to you (I think I have an idea why you asked how my family is) when I'm not on a virtual keyboard."
posted at 23:10:01 on June 28, 2012 by They_Speak
Thanks Beclean    
"Lol I don't know if it's helping my wretched soul but at least I'll have a journal of my 90 n 90 :). Good to hear from you my friend."
posted at 23:32:55 on June 28, 2012 by They_Speak
indeed    
"that's all I have to say."
posted at 04:46:39 on June 29, 2012 by moronidenovo


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006