Day 6
By They_Speak
6/22/2012 12:00:08 AM
I've been to 9 meetings since Monday. Tonight I was reviewing what got me here. My step 1 reminder. About 2 years ago I was driving home from Texas after being separated from my wife for 5 months or so. I was driving home and stopped at a strip club in the middle of no where. I had only had a few beers when the cocktail waitress asked me if I had a cigarette. I said yes and gave her 2. A few moments later she caught the corner of my eye and I saw that she was not just pregnant she was fetchin "heavy with child". How it escaped me I don't know. But it bothered me. It bothered me bad. As I sat there and watched her smoke my emotions grew stronger to the point of tears and anger. I kept saying "now your killin babies" "how did this happen?" etc. I worked up the courage to go express my concern and she showed me pictures of her other 3 kids and told me she smoked through all of them and they are eh-okay. At first I think she was annoyed but she seemed to calm as we talked. She told me not to worry about it and sent me on my way. I couldn't stay there any longer. I left. As I screamed at myself and god for all the idiotic things I had done I repeatedly said "this isn't about you anymore...your killin babies.". I knew I was dramatizing it a little (or was I?) but I wanted to capture the gravity of my degradation. I was mad. So ashamed.

I spent the next 3 days fasting down in the Palo Alto canyon and on the road. It cleared my head a lot. Or it felt like it did. I got the bright idea to stop by my friends house in Denver and throw my week long fast to the wind and trade it in for a 2 day drug and alcohol bing. What??? No idea. Then I got the text. My little brother was the only person on planet earth that I didn't want to know about my history. I had had an affair and only told 2 people knew and I intended on keeping it that way to the grave. He said "we need to talk". I asked what about and he texted a "name". I wanted to die. My life was falling all around me and had been for months but these events were powerful to me and seemed to impress indelibly upon my mind. I called it a weekend much to my friends dismay and started for home. Did I learn nothing just the few short days before? How was I to address my family and friends and myself? What would happen to me?

Along came the red box girl. I was sitting at a gas station filling up about an hour north of Denver. Pondering. Bewildered. Shocked. When this scantily clad gal walked up to the red box about 50 feet in front of me. When I couldn't turn and look away I burst out laughing and crying and saying to the heavens "are you [expletive-ing] kidding me?!?" I couldn't believe it. I always thought some event or situation or circumstance would give me the "strength" to turn away. Clearly no situation could change me. At this moment I think I grasped what it meant to be powerless. Nothing but God could make me turn away. If I let him.

Since I was 15 I knew I couldn't stop masterbating. I knew it. I thought it was impossible and that I was one of a a billion other kids that couldn't stop. What I realized changed that night as I reviewed my story this evening is that for me knowing I can't stop isn't necessarily step 1. It's not enough. I could always "admit" that I was powerless but I could never accept that I was powerless. I resented it. I HATED it. I hated Pauls words from the bible. He "[gloried] in weakness"?? What an idiot. I so hated my own weakness/powerlessnes. I couldn't grasp it. But the irony of that night parked in front of the red box; the utter amazement at my predicament; the hilarious laughable shame that was my life finally brought me, if not to humility, to humiliation and i could do nothing but accept that I was powerless. i couldn't fight it or resent it - my life, it was just to ridiculous to not laugh like a crazy person and accept it.. Shortly after that I started, at intervals, witnessing the real power that can come from just taking that step.

Right now, I can honestly say with Paul I glory in my weakness. God be thanked. Still sober.



I love it!    
"We all have an story. You have a hell of way of telling yours, though!

...good readin'"
posted at 22:47:36 on June 22, 2012 by Anonymous

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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981