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Day 5
By They_Speak
6/21/2012 2:11:22 AM
Meeting today was good. Talked about an incident at work. A small incident where, short story shorter, someone thought my performance in a rather trivial area was sub-par and condescendingly let me know. Though I usually am a high performer all around and I don't have a lot of insecurity in this particular area for whatever reason it really set me off and I felt a subtle but great deal of shame. Feeling it and recognizing that I was feeling it was weird to me. I realized these are the times I need meetings. Though I think I am, the truth is sometimes, I'm not good at dealing with life on life's terms. I was able to get this out to the group. It was good to acknowledge and address the senseless shame I was feeling. I look forward to unraveling more of this in step 4.

Why I fired my God: Because I believe to much of my concept of God and his plan was wrapped up in my concept, or lack there of, of me and my own self judgments. It was ugly. I imagine if there is a God and I was him I would want that mental construct I had plowed with a wrecking ball and rebuilt from the foundation up. So I have little reservation in starting from scratch at this point because I no longer believe that my interpretations of the teachings of the church aligned with much possible truth or relevant doctrine anyway. As I rebuild I hope to be able to separate my higher power and his plan for me from my own judgments. Maybe i'm just tired but it seems to me from this could come the faith that bares fruit. The faith in a God I can do business with.

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006