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Day 4
By They_Speak
6/19/2012 11:45:48 PM
Today was good. Went to 2 meetings. AA was awesome. I don't know what it is about those rugged ol' AA-ers - my kinda people I guess. I love the freedom from taboo and conservatism I feel in the non-lds 12 step meeting. You can really let um have it in there and God is still in it. I also like the lds meetings too. Sometimes just get annoyed when I feel like attempted-prudence trumps what could have been genuine honesty. It can be a tasteless fare. But inevitably someone pipes up and restores my faith in fearless Mormons :) If it's true what they say about Christ, as in his life I believe so the post mortal Messiah must find his time among the sinners. And I'm honored to be counted among them.

It only took my sponsor 2 bloody years to do it (he actually gave up like a year ago)!, I've given up my smart phone. Bought a 30 dollar flip phone tonight. I imagine the ideal 90 days of sobriety being effortless - Wu Wei (wiki it). Because I don't know that I can do it otherwise. So I'm trying to remove those things that would prove most frustrating to the process of realizing the ideal. I tried to attempt the giving up of the smart phone as Hindu as possible - without attachment. I feel I was successful. It's amazing such a big vice grip on such a small thing can wreck so much havoc. Im glad it's gone for now and i'm not sure it will hold any sway over my feelings in the future. If I believe I'm powerless over lust I need to act like it and having porn and every prostitutes number in the milky-way in my pocket is just not going to cut it.

I called both my sponsors. Got ahold of 1. He told me to read out of the white book (I asked how to "work" the conceptually based steps like 1 and 2). So thats what I'm going to do. When my wife gets home i'm going to lock this computer. I used to think those boundaries were to keep me from messing up when I wanted to. Now I know prison couldn't keep me from lust if I want it bad enough. I was focused on the wrong thing. Powerlessness is the mentality and driving force behind these actions. It's an outward expression to myself and what ever higher power is out there of an inward acceptance and belief that I'm powerless over my addictions and my life is so so...so unmanageable.

Code

p.s. I'm not drinking this time around (90 n 90). There's something to it.

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