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Day 2
By They_Speak
6/18/2012 1:30:55 AM
I'm an addict. I'm addicted to excedrin, processed food, sugar, video games, music, Facebook, and of course the most destructive (spiritually at least) of my addictions - lust. I'm an addict because these thing help me not feel what I'm feeling now. Uneasy. Anxious. Not whole. In need of a fix. It sucks these "solutions" are so terrible and ultimately add to the problem they were initially indented to fix. I wish excedrin would make my head aches go away but now they just give me more. I wish sugar and processed food would make me feel full and happy but ultimately they just make me hungry and miserable. I wish Facebook would satisfy my ego but it never ends. I wish music would actually melt my troubles away but instead it acts as a damn to my problems and feelings. A damn that has no out let or leaks - eventually it must give or overflow. Eventually I must face the music of real life. I wish that porn, strip clubs, prostitutes, secret affairs, lust and being lusted after would would save me, satisfy my lust and make me whole but, they won't. I wish sleep and video games would do my job, be a good husband, play fetch with my dog and manage my life but it doesn't. My life is unmanageable. And I'm powerless over my addictions.

This is day 2 of my second round of 90 and 90 in 2 years. 2 days ago I was video chatting online, sleeping to little or to much, looking at porn, taking 4 excedrin and 1 imitrex all most daily, eating out all 3 meals, drinking lots of sugar and not enough water, listening to distracting and disquieting music almost constantly, not exercising, video gaming way to much going outside way to little, I hated my job, I hated my friends, I hated my enemies, I hated my life. My life was/is chaos. And nothing I was using and abusing to deal with the chaos was fixing it. Obviously it was making it worse and, as usual, becomes the chaos itself.

Yesterday I got a horrific head ache and this morning I got a migraine. However although I cracked this morning and took an imitrex I did not take exedrin yesterday or today. (It's funny how much my migraine this morning - how I'd do anything to get it go away and how little control I felt I had and the feeling that it would never go away - reminded me of when I'm in the cycle of my lust addiction. Anything to relieve the tension.) I ate right all day yesterday and today. Not perfect but better. I didn't act on my lusts. I didn't listen to to much music. I felt better in-spite of my head ache. I noticed I didn't hate everyone and everything. Today I got out and went on a motorcycle ride instead of playing video games all day for my day off. That was awesome. I love the natural world.

Never the less... I often feel myself lacking. It's hard to explain. But just empty. I need meetings.

Comments:

I'm sorry    
"you feel that way. Don't give up, just keep trying. Go back to where you know you can find help...GO to your meetings and keep at it no matter what else you are doing"
posted at 22:38:33 on June 18, 2012 by Anonymous
woah man    
"you definitely spiced things up around here. I look forward to your recovery and growth. This sounds like a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

you said ur married, hows your family?"
posted at 01:19:44 on June 20, 2012 by Anonymous
and I'm excited your taking this on    
"I'm fighting porn. It's hard but I tip my hat to you for taking on all of that. The comment above is me, 4got to sign in"
posted at 01:21:32 on June 20, 2012 by moronidenovo
Be patient with yourself    
"They_Speak--Hang in there. You're gonna make it :)"
posted at 11:15:04 on July 7, 2012 by Girlie


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987