128 days clean and feeling so low.
By ether 12:27
6/15/2012 10:40:49 PM
I have not written for some time. In Feb I came clean with my wife and bishop about my addiction and acting out. In early March was disfellowshipped. The month of April was going pretty good, my wife was having sex with me again and I thought we we on the road to repairing our relationship. At the end of April she took a trip and sense she returned home, we have not had sex. I was ok with that and she explained to me how she must have been in shock, and thats why she had sex with me. Since that time each week seems to get a little worse. I have had 2 kisses since she returned in April. She told me I was smothering her so I backed off and now today because I held her hand and put my hand on her knee it made her skin crawl. Two weeks ago she told me that she seemed to be doing better and actually wanted to hold my hand. Today I was told not to initiate anything. That it was going to be months before there was anything physical. She said she just wants me to be her friend and that she doesn't even want things like we were just dating. Yet she still wants me to take her out. I am dying inside, she is convinced that I don't love her and need to learn how to love. She might be somewhat right. I know I love her. It might be a small amount but I know I love her. She definitely does not love me. When I told her that she would give a friend a hug when they were hurting. Her response, friends would not do what you did. I am hurting so bad. I want her to be happy, if I knew me leaving would make her happy I would go tonight, but I know that would only make things worse. I want to have a great marriage, but I am so fearful that she will never love me again. I don't know how to go through life that way. We have 5 kids the youngest is a two year old and thinking of the next 16 years like this makes me want to die. I am in need of help. I don't have a desire to act out, but sad, hurt and can even find myself getting angry. please help!!!!


this is all part of the drama    
"of dealing with the pain and confusion addiction brings into families and it takes years of focus on you personal relationship with God to be personally healed. Your wife suddenly had life as she knew it completely ripped apart. I pray you will not place any expectations on her. Your life needs to be one of staying sober, loving her and God more than you love your desire for sex. If you are focused on sex, you are still focused on lust. Please read the SA white book because there is some really good stuff in there about that.

Taking responsibility for your past choices is not going to be easy. You will be tested. You are being tested. It is no longer about you needs, wants and desires. That is part of what got you into the situation in the first place. It is about her needs and desires, and your needs will need to be filled by the Lord.

Brother, I know this is hard. It is hard for everyone who must pass through this pain, but I promise that as you continue to go to God to fill you emptiness, he will help you in a way your wife never can. This is going to take some time, but trust God to make all things right.

Congrats on your sobriety, keep going and don't give up."
posted at 02:19:38 on June 16, 2012 by Anonymous
"I really appreciate your post, very helpful."
posted at 11:37:37 on June 17, 2012 by ether 12:27
It can get better    
"Your post reminds me of much of what my wife and I have gone through. It takes time but it can get better. How long? Who knows?
I have to remember that my addiction is a hole I dug myself into. I spent years digging that hole. Filling it back in, and getting my wife to be happy with who I am, is not going to happen in weeks or even months. She has been patient with me. I will be patient with her.
Prayers and best wishes,
posted at 00:33:18 on June 22, 2012 by HK-47
Focus on Intimacy, not Sex!    
"What you are going through is tough...You need to be happy with where she's at, and allow her room to recover at her own pace. Get to meetings, and work the steps,. Eventually your changed behavior will speak for itself. A woman's primary sex organ is between her ears, not her legs like us guys. If you are constantly hounding her for sex, then you have only traded your addiction from porn to your wife....sounds good, but it's not. Intimacy is 3 layers deep, physical, emotional and spiritual. Focus on the emotional and spiritual aspect of intimacy and you'll fix the physical. Just as you have to recover, your wife has her own recovery, and so does your relationship...patience."
posted at 20:57:53 on June 25, 2012 by chefdalet

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004