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*He wants a separation*
By over23years
5/25/2012 6:38:21 PM
Because I want my husband to come on here, I have deleted this post. Everything I have said is 100% true, I just don't want him getting upset if he sees that I "told" others.

But for those that are new... Husband is addicted to porn. Won't admit it really. Has consumed his life for over 30 years. Just in the last few months he has asked for a separation, but believes that porn has nothing to do with our marriage problems. Now he has said (since Memorial Day) he doesn't want one or a divorce. And if you read the replies, you will know what I am going through.

Comments:

Continued...    
"And again, same reason."
posted at 18:48:36 on May 25, 2012 by over23years
Extremely Similar to John07    
"You should check out his latest blog. Except John was the one with a Porn problem and his wife cheated on him, but he still wants to be with her.

I'll tell you the truth, normally I would say you are not smart for staying with this man because he doesn't care about you. But I won't call you stupi because I know you aren't. You are genuine and loving, I can tell by your words you just want to be that family you always dream of and that's honorable. I feel for your kids because I am the son of divorced parents. But I know for a fact they're experiencing much worse from what you described.

Let me tell you, your kids will remember that pain and all the fights. But the worst ting about that situation is how you said he is cold towards the kids. That should never happen. If you want to take all the crap he gives fine but the children shoulnt be around that, it affects them even if it doesn't show.

I have to ask, how can you make it work with your husband when he doesn't want to get back together. He doesn't desire it with passion as you do. Your intentions seem honest but he has so many problems in his head I don't think has you in his sights. From what you've said, he's extremley smart. Given the situation, that's not a good thing. There is virtually nothing you can do to convince a man who"
posted at 19:41:21 on May 25, 2012 by moronidenovo
finishing...    
"there is nothing you can do to convince a proud man with smarts, that he is wrong. Even if he is, the pride will takeover. You will have to decide what is not only best for you, but your kids. My parents divorced, it was hard at first but I wanted my mother to be happy and she is. So is my father, divorce does not make you a bad person, think of what your husband did and what environment your kids will grow up in. Your sons need a father to look up to. Choose wats best for your kids and your personal happiness. If you don't your kids will suffer more than you can imagine and you may live with regret."
posted at 19:49:44 on May 25, 2012 by moronidenovo
That is a tough one...You are not stupid in the least. You are honorable.    
"I believe, from what you've shared, that your husband has a bigger moral problem than porn addiction. He has most certainly cheated. That can be a deal-breaker. Especially when he is nowhere near willing to be honest about his issues. Instead, he has turned to the dark side by "embracing" it. I wouldn't normally suggest anything so drastic but under these circumstances, divorce is absolutely an option. I know you have so much invested in the marriage and in him but you described such a sad, sad marriage. If you stay and wait on him to change, you may wait for a very long time for someone who never changes. I have seen good men turn there backs on their families and never look back and they ALL exhibit the behavior you described in your husband. So sad. In his sick mind, he has spent his whole life taking care of his family and being responsible and now he feels like it is HIS time to be free and follow his proclivities; all the while, not having a clue that he has forfeited his agency to sex. I just don't want you to stay in the marriage thinking he will change in time. I would recommend S-Anon meetings. It is a hard pill to swallow but because you have lived with an addict for so long, you are now sick, as well. They call addiction a "Family Disease" because the family develops their own dysfunctional behaviors and ways of coping from living with the addict for so long. Do you see that your own happiness now depends entirely on your husband's behavior? That is a symptom of the family disease. Therapists used to call it Codependency. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can be happy DESPITE him. Your happiness doesn't NEED to depend on his actions. You need a lot of support and help to get through what you are facing. I hope they have a women's support group in your area. Unfortunately, there are ample avenues of recovery for the addicts out there but not so many for the loved ones of addicts who experience so much pain. Good luck to you, Sister. Keep reaching out. Don't second guess yourself. The "right" thing is easy to identify. It is the thing that esteems us as children of God. If staying in the marriage fails to give you any self-esteem, then it may be time to end it. "
posted at 21:31:35 on May 25, 2012 by Anonymous
Stay in the here and now    
"Any spouse who makes a big mistake should not be given a chance to change or repent. You should move on and divorce. But I say listen to God and get your answers from him. He may say something different than moronidenovo. What is happening now is not fair at all but this life is here to teach us the hard lessons. I have read many spouses on this site who did not give up and they have found lasting love and peace. Please give yourself time to heal before you make any decisions. You wound be smart if you grow closer to God through reading the scriptures and other good books about addiction. Pray and let yourself go through the process of grieving what is happening to you and your kids. There is no way to know what the future holds for your children. Not all kids are traumatized because they are closer to Heaven and understand more than we give them credit for. Try not to be afraid of what might happen. Stay in the here and now and seek God in all you do. This to shall pass."
posted at 23:53:46 on May 25, 2012 by Anonymous
Advice    
"This site is not here to give advice especially to divorce or not divorce. Please don't think that this is what you can expect from the majority of the people here. Many of us have been through unbelievably troubled relationships and some have been lead to stay with their spouse and some have not. The point is healing through our Savior regardless of that decision.

23years - it sounds like you already have some resources under your belt and you are working on processing all of this. Welcome to LDSAR as well though it breaks our heart that you have to be here for the reasons that you are here. Still, there are so many of us with similar stories. We can support and help each other. I agree with Hurt about learning all you can about addiction...understanding the monster I was living with, was huge in being able to combat it. And Anon above is right about codependency, but it seems you are already working on that as well.

Again, welcome."
posted at 16:21:08 on May 27, 2012 by maddy
I hurt for you    
"First of all I am the porn addict in my 25 year marriage. Trust me when I say it isn’t your fault. It seemed that you were taking some blame for driving your husband deeper into his addiction or that your obsessing about it was making him not want to work on it. When a person goes deeper into their addiction rather than pulling out of it the fault is theirs. My wife threw away my porn and confronted me about it a lot. It made me mad, but her lack of finesse wasn’t the problem. You did everything they taught you in primary and young women’s. They never taught you what to do when the “perfect” LDS husband turns out to be a raging sex addict in denial. Some things can make it harder to recover, but every addict has to take responsibility for being an addict and for recovering. We can’t fix ourselves, but we are the only ones that can stop it from happening.

There probably isn’t anything YOU can do to turn your husband around at this point unless it is something Heavenly Father tells you to do. Like Alma the elder you probably just need to turn him over to God and pray that whatever needs to happen to wake him up will happen. Then you need to focus on your own healing. Fortunately God can help you heal and come to a healthy place regardless of what your husband does. Get help through priesthood leaders, online groups, therapy, S-anon, LDS family and friends support groups, LDS women’s meetings that go along with the men’s pornography meetings, wherever you can find the help you need. Even if you can’t find meetings specifically for family of the addict, you will probably find a lot of help and understanding at the LDS addiction meetings. The literature out there can be a big help too whether it is the S-anon book, or whatever version of the LDS manual you can get your hands on. You might download the Family/Spouse manual that is on the left-hand side of this page. I think that is quite different from the one they are using in meetings here right now. The manual is in church correlation and seems to be changing regularly, but my wife and others love what they have now. I can send you an electronic copy of the latest version if you email me at justjohnh@gmail.com. Let Heavenly Father be your guide. He is the only one that can lead you out of the mine field you have found yourself in. YOU CAN BE HAPPY. Trust the inspiration you get.

I am praying for you,
John"
posted at 13:07:51 on May 30, 2012 by justjohn
I've been wanting to say something on this post...    
"But you said it all, JustJohn. Well put."
posted at 14:28:51 on May 30, 2012 by beclean
Over 2 months now    
"I will keep this because I hope he will read it.

I like what his uncle told me: "It appears that he receives the erotic vicarious thrill of seeing pictures of women doing things that he used to only fantasize about as a teenager when boys hormones were in overdrive. Now that he is a mature adult, he needs to recognize that he needs to think like an adult but more importantly, he needs to act like an adult who is a father and husband. It is evident that your husband has lost sight of the consequences of his actions.""
posted at 15:10:50 on June 22, 2012 by over23years
sounds like he's in denial    
"and hasn't hit bottom yet. I know, I've been an addict my whole life. And still haven't hit bottom, I have been going to PAR meetings. And have been doing better. What you need to do is go to a
Porn Addiction Recovery group. LDS and go to the family one specifically. I've been clean for a few months now and things are getting better. Seek support from a family Addiction Recovery group, they can help you!"
posted at 15:31:46 on June 22, 2012 by Anonymous
Denial and the Family Sickness    
"I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.

Based upon the information you have written, Your husband is in grave spiritual danger, and in denial. He is showing no signs of change. Words and promises mean nothing. You will need to trust actions only, not words. Him wanting you to attend a "clothes optional" vacation, is asking you to engage in his world of lust. Porn/Sex/ Lust addiction causes brain damage just the same as any hardcore drug (Read Dr. Hilton's Book, He Restoreth my Soul). Your husband is not thinking with a sober and clear brain, else he would not do some of the things he is doing. In his current condition he is not capable of keeping the promises he is making. Not to say that can't change, because with God anything is possible, but for now, your husband seems to want the best of both worlds. Stay married, and live a life of lust. The problem with that is that there is no place in a Godlike marriage for any of that.

A man who understands and takes Priesthood obligations and responsibilities seriously before God would not do the things he is doing and would not place you in the position he has. Sadly, at this time your husband does not understand what it means to have a close and intimate relationship with his God and because of that he in turn has not had that close relationship with you either.

I hope you understand that I am not intending to paint your husband as a bad person, because I am sure is has many amazing qualities. The truth is that your husband is broken. We are all broken. The denial is the problem, because if he cannot even recognize how bad his behavior is, he will not change. There is no Therapist, Stake President, friend, child, or spouse that can or will change your husband. When he is ready to change, there is no one, not you or anyone else who will drive his recovery. It will be him and him alone. Not to say you would not support him, you will, but he will be in the driver's seat.

Please get help for yourself for co-dependency. Please get a hold of the SA manual and start working a 12 step program for you. The Church use to have a special manual for spouses, but for the time being they have reverted back to using the addiction manual, which is not as effective for co-dependency. Hopefully they will one day have something to help wives of addicts heal. I was part of a pilot program in which they were developing a manual, but unfortunately, that has been put on hold for the time being. They do have the women's group through ARP, and Christ along with the support of those women can help more that you can imagine. Personally attend SA Anon community meetings and love the healing I am finding there.

I would suggest that you begin therapy for yourself ASAP. You must understand that your life is out of control because you are married to a sex addict. Homes of addiction make all of the family sick and they all find various ways of coping with the craziness.

The hardest thing to do, but necessary in order for your husband to even have a possibility to change, is that you let go and completely trust God. I am not advocating Divorce, for that is a very personal and deeply prayerful decision anyone in your situation has to decide for themselves. What I am advocating here is your personal healing, and you must put that above everything else. a 12 step program is a very spiritual process and teaches you to accept God's will in your life, and gives you the courage to carry it out.

One of the most difficult things for a person who is in your situation to do is to set boundaries. Homes with addiction have few if any boundaries. You must decide what is acceptable behavior and how you are willing to be treated by your husband, and set boundaries accordingly. Once a boundary is set, it must be followed through in order for it to be a boundary. Boundaries keep you safe, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Again, I am so sorry that you and your beautiful children have to endure life of addiction. My prayer for you is that he will one day be in complete recovery and come to understand all that the Lord has in store for him, your marriage, and your family.I pray that he will one day carry the light of Jesus Christ. For when he finds that light, he will become a new man in Him and His name is then imprinted in your husband's heart forever, That is the day he will serve Satan and have no desire to do evil. On this day, lust is removed and the devil is bound. This is usually a process which happens over years of change.

Living close to Christ in our hearts is our protection. This is the Power of the priesthood. It is God's power and that is why when a man defiles it, it then becomes the power of the evil one who sets out to destroy each and every one of us.

I pray that you will find peace in the storm and seek out God's will for you. You are a valiant daughter of a Heavenly King and he will not leave you or hurt you. Your peace will be His peace. I have a testimony of this and know that the Lord will make all things right, in his timing.

You are in my prayers,

Angel"
posted at 10:43:15 on June 23, 2012 by angelmom


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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005