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In Pain
By John07
5/16/2012 9:51:40 PM
How do I get back from where I am at. I hate this. My wife has told me that once we get settled in our new city in seperate apartments and she feels settled in then we can start marriage therapy. Tonight I asked her to clarify what settled in looked or felt like. I just wanted to know what to expect. Please help, is this being controlling? She then said that she felt like crap, she was ill, and she was dealing with all the crap that I put her through. She has not attended a support meeting. I don't know if she ever will and she promptly informed me that she does not know if she will ever attend marriage therapy with me, because it did not work in the past. Since we are moving in a month in a half, could this be causing her increased stress? I just don't know. I am so discouraged with things the way they are. I wish I knew if she was committed to making things work, but I may never know. I am so mistrustful. I don't know. I just don't know. So here I go back on this site to write and have some outlet. It helps to be able to vent. I appreciate the people on here and the comments that are made. It helps me a whole lot. I feel like here I have a continuing support meeting, just a lot slower paced then my 12 step meeting.

Comments:

Some questioms    
"What do you want? What is it that you hope to get at the end of this difficult challenge with your wife.

What are you afraid of? Is it the affects of divorce on your children or being alone for the rest of your life.

How do you want your children to remember you? It would be great if they didn't care about your past, but they do and they will ask questions. They will want to know if their parents were honorable and had true love.

Do you believe what your wife did was justified? That it was your fault and that she was only a victim.

if you do get back together, do you honestly believe everything will be back to normal? Will it be the same for your kids, for your relationship.

Do you ever remember, that your wife walked out on your children? Does that come to your mind when your making decisions, when you see your children."
posted at 22:59:49 on May 16, 2012 by moronidenovo
There's ALOT your CAN do.    
"You can commit to working on your recovery and making that your number one priority. I like what hurtallover said. He's right. We can't control anything with our relationships. (That's a hard thing to accept) But when we surrender and turn the things we can't control over to Heavenly Father and just get to work on earnestly working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, getting to lots of meetings, etc. all the other impossible things in our lives seem to fall into place. That doesn't mean she will start behaving the way you want her to but it does mean that you will be in a better position to ACCEPT whatever happens. I know how hard it is right now. You want, with every fiber of your being, to fix things. We can only do our part to recover and leave the rest in God's capable hands. The trick is to do OUR part. It is that thing we've avoided for too long and that has been right in front of us the whole time. It's the 12 Steps worked thoroughly and living the principles of recovery."
posted at 15:49:50 on May 17, 2012 by Anonymous
Update    
"Well, she emailed and texted and called me today. She apologized and said she did not know why she reacted the way she did. I think that she was being influenced by the enemy of our souls and that is a sign that I need to stay clean, press forward, and let the lord take me the rest of the way and rest in his peace. It is so hard for me to do, but I will keep trying until I get it right. I am now 191 days sober. I am slowly recovering and I hope to keep going that direction. Sometimes I just need to vent. I know that she walked out on me and the kids, and that is something she is going to have to work out with them. I do know that I am totally in love with her and at the same time I don't trust her. It is a hard thing. I know it would be easier to get a divorce. But the lord told us that it wouldn't be easy, only that it would be worth it. I am hoping that no matter what happens on the other side of my current crisis that I can look back and say, "It was hard and it sucked, but boy was it sure worth it." I love my Savior and I look forward to getting to know him better every day and getting closer to him. I will keep trying to get to the point that I can surrender totally to him. Thank you all."
posted at 21:56:07 on May 17, 2012 by John07
That's my favorite Jesus quote!    
""I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it."

I hear that all the time in Church, but no one seems to know where it comes from. Does anyone here know when and where Jesus said that?"
posted at 00:08:58 on May 18, 2012 by Anonymous
As a son of divorced Parents    
"I have a different outlook on things. My parents divorced. Yes that sucked but I was too young to understand why. They simply said they had differences that could not be worked out, but what I do know is that they were loyal to each other and did the best they could to make it work. I'm sorry but what your wife did was unacceptable and wrong, there are no excuses. She did one of the worst sins and on so many levels. You and especially your kids deserve better. If I were one of your kids and grew up to know that my mother walked out on me, I would be devastated. I wouldn't trust women, a mothers love is special and to spoil that is to spoil a child. You deserve someone who will give that to your children and you. If not for you, at least think about them, this is a bad situation that can only lead to bad results.

you asked in another post, I believe it was called"
posted at 02:51:49 on May 18, 2012 by moronidenovo
it was called    
""looking for some insight" you said that your wife told you that it wast all your fault and that it stemmmed from you. That gave you some power, and she didn't like that, it made her mad. She doesn't like that because she knows that she is the one that made the true betrayl. She committed adultery and denied the Holy Ghost by rejecting her garments. She has some serious punishment from the church and she knows it.

I hope you do what's best for your kids first, and not what you think is better for you. Good luck, god bless"
posted at 02:56:15 on May 18, 2012 by moronidenovo
My Two Cents    
"As somebody who is going through some struggles with my wife (no where near what you are, but hopefully I can still contribute), I am coming to learn that you can't fight for your relationship by yourself. It's a delicate balance between knowing when to say "I love you. I'm sorry. I want us to get through this." and when to just keep your big yap shut. :) As somebody who struggles with the latter, I have found the most success in reminding her that I love her, and that I am here when she's ready to talk. In reality, she hasn't really gotten to the point that she wants to discuss the issue, but I am also looking for ways to just just be kind and thoughtful to her.

I understand you're not in the same place as me, but hopefully that makes sense and helps in some small way. You have a right to have some expectations, so asking questions is fine. I would only remind you to not nag or pry; respectful questions are fine. I also really want to remind you not to beat yourself up about this! Yes, you have made mistakes, but I have a hunch that you're making some real headway and you are a better man now than you have been in a long time. The Lord is proud of the progress you've made, even if others may not appreciate that progress as much as He does. Keep it up!"
posted at 03:05:14 on May 18, 2012 by FatherOfOne
Helping Her Heal, Fear, & The Atonement    
"Please look into the CD Helping Her Heal by Dr. Douglas Weiss. Please visit the website heart2heartcounseling.com . Dr. W made this CD based upon 25 years of discussions with the wives of men who have porn and sex addictions. He is very good a driving home what we have experienced, and what our husband's addictions have meant to us. He explains PTSD, and how to help your wife through the healing process. This was a very powerful tool in my husband's recovery kit and started him on the road to recovery almost 2 years ago.

When you begin to fear, you begin to look beyond the moment. You must stay in the moment, because when you start to play the "what if" game, you are holding God back from doing what he does best, and losing focus on him and his miraculous power. Focus on your recovery and he will bless you with whatever you and your children need.

I am sad to hear that your wife felt so damaged by your addiction that she decided to leave you and the kids and cause even more pain. This is more common than you may think. But when addiction has caused trauma in a marriage, the outcome is unpredictable. God judges the heart and knows yours and your wife's very well.

The damage caused by your addiction and your wife's leaving can heal. Someone said on this post that your marriage will never be the same. That is correct. When a marriage heals and stays planted firmly in the arms of the Saviors love, it becomes a reborn marriage, something much better than what it was before. That is part of what God can do for you, your marriage, and your children. Healing comes when his Atonement washes everything clean and our sins are forgiven.

God knows your wife's heart and he can heal her pain just like he is healing your addiction . It takes a long time, but what comes from it is beautiful. Also, our amazing Savior can even heal your children's broken hearts. My family has been heavily damaged by this addiction. We are still in the middle of the storm, but I can see the Lord is holding me and my family, and although it does not look like it right now he is with your wife, just as he is with you. He is the true healer and can do whatever he wants. And you will one day see the healing he will do come full circle.

There is no sin so large, that he cannot or will not heal. Every sin, every pain, and every sorrow is covered by His Grace. I am a blessed receiver of his infinite gift and am grateful for his Grace every day I live. He continues to forgive and heal my sins and make me into a better person that I was before.

Hold tight, keep the faith, walk with your God, and trust in him because...

He has got your back :)

Angel"
posted at 07:31:34 on May 18, 2012 by angelmom
Update number 2    
"So, My wife called today and told me there was no attraction left and in fact what she feels is fear and disgust and can never imagine us together again, but agreed to go to 12 step and to work on the support manual for spouses and family. I went to the site for the "Helping her heal" and saw the cost. It seemed quite expensive. I had to step back and think what is this amount of money? I then thought to myself "hmmm...what am I willing to spend to save my marriage?" The cost is small in comparison to the cost of losing my marriage, so I ordered the DVD and hopefully it will get here soon. I am fully aware that my recovery is what I need to concentrate on. I am working on letting go, but if I can help her in any way, I will go to tremendous lengths to accomplish that. Thanks Angel, I always love your comments and thank you to FatherofOne, I wish I had come clean years ago like you did. Take care all."
posted at 16:07:17 on May 18, 2012 by John07
No Offense Intended    
"But your blinded by a love that no longer exist. Your wife has told you that, she said she's not attracted to you, but you want something that can't be.

my prayers go to your children, who will no doubt be affecte the most from the turmoil you and your wife are putting them through."
posted at 18:02:58 on May 18, 2012 by moronidenovo
Having Faith    
"Means we focus on the savior and utilize His Atonement. We don't get to know how it all works out in the end, we just know that it will.

Nothing done with love in your heart is ever wrong. We will never be faulted for anything when we love openly and fully.

Your journey includes your wife. She came to this life to teach you and your children so much. I have come to see my wayward loved ones in a new light. Perhaps in the pre-life your wife chose to come here and take a hit for your family. She is bringing you closer to your Savior than anyone ever has. She is teaching you about unconditional love and faith in an all knowing God.

I stopped asking Why and started asking the Lord to show me how. I am learning a better way to love my family. I love a child who pushes every button, and shows outright anger and disrespect on a daily basis. If I fake that love he knows it. He tests me on every level to see if I will love him still. One day he will see what he cannot see now. That my love for him endures even the most awful behavior. My human self wants reciprocation for the love I give, but my heavenly self know that what I give is never wasted. I know that my God accepts it as an offering to Him and he blesses me openly.

Forgiveness comes when you least expect it. It is so important to endure and respect the process of being true to yours or someone else forgiveness. I wish I could say that your wife will turn her heart homeward, but I can't. But I promise that if things do not go according to your plans, God will lift you up and you will be given a strength that is not your own.

Do not let fear lead you. Give all of your fear to the Savior and keep moving forward.

Hugs,

Angel"
posted at 00:42:07 on May 19, 2012 by angelmom
True love    
"I so agree with Angel and Hurt and Fatherofone - As you work on you and your relationship with Heavenly Father, everything else will fall into place. I once felt disgusted by my husband too. I don't know what is going to happen in your story, but I do know that miracles happen and that if you do your best then God will take care of you perfectly. If she is willing to do 12 steps that is huge, but at the end of the day the best way you can help her heal is by letting the Savior heal you."
posted at 13:53:48 on May 19, 2012 by maddy
Difference    
"As always I cherish advice from Maddy and Angel. Moroni. My wife lives apart from us and my children know we may never get back together. I can't make her be part of their lives. What benefit would a divorce have? She is not in my house and my kids are not caught in the middle of fighting. They know I love them and will never leave them. I cannot do more. I love how it was said about doing things out if love. As long as she wants to try, I cannot do less."
posted at 18:10:17 on May 19, 2012 by john07
I Understand some of you    
"some the people commenting are wives of addicts or addicts themselves and their opinion matters from that perspective. I'm trying to tell you from the perspective of a son of divorce parents.

the divorce was extremely hard on us, my dad moved out and we would call, crying to him asking when he was going to come home. But he said he didn't know, but would visit us and try to love us the same. Just because she's not around doesn't mean they don't feel pain. I knew a couple from church, and the wife cheated and left, except she took the kids with her. The two oldest rejected the church, because of what their mom did. They said that the idea of 'families can be together forever" was a lie. The two younger ones were less affected but still were in great pain because their dad couldn't visit much. You don't realize how big this is because you want it to be better, but what she did is so so wrong, she cheated and left the kids. You can find a better woman for yourself and for your kids. They need a mother who will care for them and not walk out when the going gets ruff. I ask you to please think of them when making decisions. You are not at fault for all of this, but your decions now and their consequences are your responsibility.

again, this is from a son point of view, I hope you take it into consideration."
posted at 01:42:39 on May 20, 2012 by moronidenovo
For Moroni    
"Moroni, I am sorry your pain is still on the surface and I pray for great healing in your life as you press forward towards adulthood. The pain you went through because of the divorce is awful and I pray that others can learn from your pain and do all they can to heal a marriage.

Having said that, I believe John is expressing that yes, his wife has done damage, massive damage, but that he wants to help her find the love and peace he has found through the Savior. It appears as though he wants to pull out all of the stops, and give his wife the opportunity to repair the damage she has caused (and that is very beautiful to me). Until she says it is final, there is still hope, and he is right in holding onto that (especially if his heart and prayers tell him to).

As a 25 year veteran of marriage I can say that many great and terrible things happen between two people. As a 16 year old, my dad cheated on my mom and tried to get me to have a friendship with his woman. I was near your age at the time and was actually the one who caught my dad in his office with her. Talk about awkward, eeek. It was a very low place for my mom and me. That and other experiences contributed to the damage in my life for many years. But something amazing happened to me as a young adult; I found the Gospel and learned about a Savior who can heal anything. To this day, I am still being taught about what He and He alone can heal. That experience was ugly, but it was all part of God's plan for me. I felt alone and lost. And it was in that alone time, that God seemed to be the only one who understood my pain. God is the one I could always rely on to be there for me. A few years passed and I met my husband a nice, handsome, RM, and BYU student (how perfect id that?) We marry in the Temple. I did this right. I chose a great man… But he had a problem which we now understand to be an addiction. God has been having me face this my whole life for a purpose. He put his stamp of approval on my personalized trials. As you can imagine, I have a question or two upon entering the next life. ?

We live in a fallen world, and each experience is designed for something far beyond this life. All of my suffering in this life continually reminds me of my absolute need for a Savior. Oh, yes…I almost neglected to tell you the rest of the story.....
My parents just celebrated 52 years together. I thought that my dad wound not ever comes back, or that my mom would reject that idea, but they did come back together, and 4 years later they were baptized into the church. Their change was so profound that when I was visiting them as an adult, I could see the greatness in their change, and I was inspired to learn about the Gospel. I was baptized as a young adult a couple of years later. God healed the betrayal from my Father. My dad has never officially apologized to me, but thanks to my step 9, and a loving Father in Heaven, I apologized to him for the anger and disrespect I once harbored towards him. I have not felt any unkind feelings since. I forgave him and so did my mom.

There may or may not be a better woman for John07. But please understand that his wife is not evil, just broken and in need of a Savior just as you and I are. The beautiful thing is that this may be the very thing that teaches their whole family what Jesus Christ did for them. Even if his wife continues to choose another path, God can heal all things, especially a child's broken heart.

Bad things will happen in a fallen world and from what John is experiencing in his own relationship with the Lord, I have every confidence that if they do end up divorcing, he will be able to lead his children through light, healing, and forgiveness towards their Mother, which is required of the Lord in order for our sins to be forgiven. I love forgiveness. It brings grace into play the moment we accept. John's wife is just as deserving as I am, and I would never leave my children. This is the essence of the Gospel.

Moroni, I appreciate the point of view from a son who was badly hurt by his parents poor choices and I look forward to one day reading your perspective once you have reached a place of experience, knowledge, and understanding. Your parent’s objective was never to hurt you or your siblings. As you travel through life and the experiences that accompany it, you will one day see their divorce as a learning experience in which you are the one to be able to change the generations to come. Because of your painful experience, you now have the opportunity to one day marry and break the chains, and bring light and healing to your own children, and all of the children that follow them through the eternities. You will heal, and you will do things differently. I can tell that you have it in you to do this.

Remember, we came to this life to experience. God knows where we are and what we are experiencing, and he does not ever give up on us even in the worst of our sins. When our heart changes, he applies his Atonement to all of our sins, and that makes us clean again. Even if we happen to be a very wounded mother who has deserted her children. I am not here to say that he pain will not be great when she comes to realize the gravity of her sins. What i am saying is that when that day of repentance comes , great will be her joy."
posted at 08:43:42 on May 20, 2012 by angelmom
Thank You    
"and Bless you Angel. Your comments are always appreciated and I really needed everything you said here. I will probably read this 2 to 3 dozen times. I know I will need it in the future!!!"
posted at 10:28:55 on May 20, 2012 by John07
I have been told at times that only weak women stay with their husbands after they stray    
"The world would have us believe that a strong person will kick their cheating spouse to the curb and lead the world in shaming them.

Everytime I read Maddy and Angelmom's testimonies, I see how strong they truly are and it's the strong ones with humility and christlike charity that I stand in awe of. Wow."
posted at 18:55:39 on May 20, 2012 by Hurtallover
I'M sorry    
"I could sugar coat my comments but I won't, only because I feel as tho everyone is being wayyyyyy to optomistic.
@angelmom thank you for your comfort, but let me clarify my situation just so ppl know. My pain is not on the surface, whatever that means. My parents got divorced a few years back, and I have no pain. It was hard @the time, but as I've grown I've come to understand that people have their differences and it couldn't work out, as hard as they tried. But what is more important to me now, is to know that my parents respected each other, never deceived each other. This helps me understand that they are good people, and I can still look up to them. I love both of my parents, I'm at peace.

I see that John wants to help his wife, but I don't think his only motive is to help her come clean with her sins. He wants to be together again, am I wrong John? You want it to be like it was, you feel you have pushed her to cheat and it's your fault. Therefore you must fix it, or else you won't be at peace knowing a marriage was spoiled because of your carnal desires. Your wrong john, it's not your fault. Realize that your wife had to have thought about leavinf before she left. When you thought you guys were doing fine, she was probably plotting her escape, while she cheated on her whole family. You need to let go of that guilt John, or your judgemnt will be clouded and I fear that your children will be affected.

biggest rule of addicts and people in general: You can't help people, who don't want to help themselves. What make everyone here think she genuinly want to get back together, to go back to the church that she denied. From what John has written, it sounds like she juggling what her best options are. Love doesn't work that way, it's not about "stuff" or what will make the deal better. You either know, or you don't, there is no struggle.

about your parents @angelmom, if he never apologized it sound like you have unfinished business. If that happened to mmy parents, I would burn with questions.

of course Johns wife isn't evil. But I can tell she's smug about what she did, she doesn't care what she did. What type of person does that, not a person of God. John THERE IS A BETTER WOMAN FOR YOU OUT THERE!!! I can't believe anyone would say otherwise.

angelmom you are assuming that his wife even wants to be apart of the church. What if she doesn't want to deal with the repentence, confession, punishment, disfellowship, re baptism, none of it. She denied the Holy Ghost, that's above adultery (she did that too) and only second to murder. This is serious! And only a willing hear can be healed through the Atonment, she doesn't seem willing whatsover.

thanks for your confidence in me to break the chains. I am healed, and I have learned from their divorce. That's why I'm writing here now.

god put us here and gave us Agency. We make our choices for everything. This isn't a predetermined destiny, it's not set in stone that john has to be with his wife. Hurtalover how can you make adultery sound not that bad, "it happens all the time" He deserves better, I feel like she is throughing just enough signals to keep him tagging along to keep her option open. The world does not care for the sanctity of marriage anymore, arguments can be made from every angle.

again, I hope everything works out for you john, even if it's not the way you want it to work out. There is only Gods plan."
posted at 03:15:33 on May 21, 2012 by moronidenovo
Humility    
"Angel - I truly felt the Spirit when I read what you wrote. I am so grateful for those words today and so blessed by your wisdom. Thank you for comforting those who stand in need of comfort and mourning with those who mourn.

John - I just want to say something to recognize you for something quite remarkable. I've thought a lot about your situation and your humility stands out. You are in such a desperately painful situation. The title of this post is "In pain". I thought about that today and just want to cheer you on for your willing heart to walk through whatever fire your Savior calls you to journey through. As much as I hurt with the situation with my husband over the years, he never asked for a divorce and never asked to leave. I separated from him twice, but he always was looking to mend things even when he was the most active in his addiction. I think about the Savior and how he was rejected ...and he loved anyway. He knew betrayal ...and he loved anyway. As I think about that, I can't help but think that you are willingly walking in His footsteps. It makes me understand better the scriptures that say that all things will combine for our good. Including and especially these type of trials. Your forgiveness, regardless of what happens in your marriage, shows that you are a reflecting HIS image in your countenance.

I am not suggesting that people should stay with abusive or addicted spouses unconditionally. I believe in boundaries more than I can express here. But, what I am trying to say is that I 'hear' in you the willingness to follow the Spirit. Thank you for your example."
posted at 07:14:10 on May 21, 2012 by maddy
12 Steps to the Atonement    
"Moroni, I believe that the Judgements you have made on your above post are very off as they are based on very little information. Because you are very young, I believe that most on here will not take offense, myself included. You have a long life ahead of you, and much to learn young grasshopper.

Until you have worked these steps every day for a long while, it is difficult to understand where I have been and the price paid for the pure forgiveness I have given to my Father. Some would say that I have "unfinished business". I did for many years. And because of that resentment, I was very unkind to my Father. I disregarded him and disrespected and blamed him for many of my problems. And, I justified that blame because of what he had done. But through prayerfully working my 9th step, I felt it necessary to apologize to my Father. Funny thing was that when I began that step, my dad was never even a thought. But as I prayerfully chose the people I would make amends to, my dad kept coming up in my heart and mind. I know that the Lord wanted me to add dad to my list. So when the timing was right, I went and asked him to hear what I had to say. He sat and listened intently. That is when I apologized sincerely for MY actions. I did it without blaming him. He began to cry and told me he loved me. From that day forward, I have never felt anything but pure love for him. That is how my Savior used me to forgive my dad. How grateful am I for that moment in time and how grateful I am for the forgiveness extended to me? I am a sinner and am in need of his Atonement which includes his forgiveness, and I would be an ungrateful daughter of God, should I wait for an apology before I extend my forgiveness. My dads spiritual work, with the Lord is his, but I require no apology from him. I see him as God sees him and understand that if he really understood what his affair would do to our family, he never would had done it. The truth is that I was only willing to let go of my sadness and anger, and God did the rest. The Lord tells us...." I will forgive, whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. For all those who are within the reach of my words, I pray that you too will experience the beauty of Forgiveness. For me, who once carried the weight of sadness and anger for my father for 31 years, I can stand here today with a clear heart and sweetly say, that because of that forgiveness I now have NO questions, and No unresolved feelings and now enjoy the remainder of time I have on the earth with him. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

John, I feel by your words that you are on that path and am truly excited for the future you and your children have ahead of you, no matter the outcome with your wife.

Moroni, There will be few on the list of those who actually deny the Holy Ghost, as you must have a pure witness of it first. Judas had a pure witness, and we can assume that our prophets and apostles do. But there are very few of us who have an actual witness of the Holy Ghost. If interested in the actual reference please see the TPJS, p. 357. 358; cf. Heb. 10:26-29

Moroni I would really suggest you begin attending a 12 step program. I believe it will help you understand where the rest of us are coming from. I rarely speak about my process with anyone who is not involved in healing through 12 steps, because unless you have experienced this level of healing, it is as if I am speaking another language. I believe this is the case regarding my recent posts. I believe you have insight, I believe that everything someone says is of value and I am sure that your advice applies to some who read on this blog, but in the case of John, it appears as though he is looking for inspiration as to how to do the things he feels inspired of God to do.

@Hurt and @John - Your words to me and Maddy and kind and touching. We like many other loved ones have come to understood that we all fall short of the glory of God, and there is nothing we can do but put our trust in Him. Prayer and forgiveness are key to healing. This process has taught me to love more fully, and judge with more kindness. We are all fighting a hard battle, and we must be gentle with this process, because there are many among us who are deeply wounded. I am grateful if my heartfelt words helped in any way. It was a blessing on many levels for me to hear from you yesterday. I believe that true forgiveness towards anyone who offends us is the key to our own eternal happiness.

Angel"
posted at 09:36:57 on May 21, 2012 by angelmom
Angel,    
"Thank you so much for posting here. It's amazing to have people with true wisdom and understanding on this website.

Hearing about your apology to your father really touched me. It reminded me so much of my own experience. The ninth step is amazing. I'm in the middle of it right now. I apologized to my father as well. Before working the steps, I blamed him for so many of my problems and saw him as my enemy.

During my fifth step, I realized that I am responsible for my own actions, and my father is responsible for his. I was able to see that although my father made mistakes, he did the best he knew how to, and I no longer blame him. Then I came to see that I needed to apologize for being nasty and disrespectful to him.

The steps really change who we are. Somebody who does not understand the meaning of peace would have a hard time wrapping their mind around apologizing for what they have done wrong even if the other person does not apologize. My father did not apologize for his mistakes, but that does not bother me because I know I have made things right on my end. My relationship with my father is better now than it has been in years.

To everyone who has not worked the steps properly, please get to work! It works if you work it because you're worth it!"
posted at 15:52:49 on May 21, 2012 by ETTE
.    
"@AngelMom Just because I'm young doesn't mean I can't see right through what women do. You have to look at their motives and everyword they say can tell you a hint of what they're thinking. From what John has written that his wife has said, she doesn't seem genuine. That's my opinion and you have yours but just because we disagree doesn't make mine less important, just because your older and I'm young doesn't mean I'm wrong. Again, we have our own conclusions based on the little information give, what else can we do? You could be just as judgemental by simply giving it the nice opinion and advice, you judged it not that bad and workable.

life isn't alll based on 12 step. Unless you only see it through the eyes of an addict I guess, but I won't. This marriage ordeal isn't an addiction problem, it's an adultery problem. Whether her actions were simply because of his addiction is up for debate.

I believe you are totaly @peace with your dad. But the reason I said that is he might not be. He might be afraid to be the one to bring it up, and with time he simply put it in the backburner. That's why I say there might be infinished business.

don't know what you mean about only a few of us having witnessed the Holy Ghost. If it's only an issue for some of us, then why is it even mentioned. I think we are able to deny the holy ghost, just as we are able to murder.

in regards to the 12 step meetings, thanks for your suggestion but that is not the only place I can see healing, I wouldn't go to those meetings to disect people and observe their pain. I understand your recent post, but I don't think they apply to every single situation out there. There is no easy solution for, each is different. Everyone wants inspiration from God, that's the only way you'll find the right answers, not really from websites. That's why I try to leave the spiritual advice for the bishop. He knows the person the best.

if you actually mean what you said, that I have a lot to learn, then point out my mistakes from wat I said. I can't learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they are.

john, the only reason I wrote was for your kids and hoping to let you know that not all women are like your wife. There are many good LDS women, that are willing to love your children. They need that, they will grow differently if they don't have a mothers love. It's special, it can be spoiled as your wife has done.

good luck, god bles"
posted at 20:51:59 on May 21, 2012 by moronidenovo
Stone her!    
"I'm told they caught a woman IN THE VERY ACT of adultery, and they brought her to Jesus.

I bet he ripped her apart. She committed the third most devastating sin, and she was caught in the act. He must have made an example of her and told her she was unworthy of her husband. She wasn't even pleading for forgiveness--she was still in the act! Surely he stoned her, or at least cast her out!

No, wait. Actually, I think he did something like what John07 is doing, but the story is not found in John07, it is found in John 8. Read it here: http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/8.3-11?lang=eng#2

We are ALL taken in the act. We are the Church of God, His wife. He is the groom. We go whoring after other Gods, our sins. We are ALL guilty of adultery. We are ALL lovers to someone or something other than our Beloved Groom.

The parable of the unforgiving servant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_unforgiving_servant ) teaches me that God will judge me the way I judge others.

Thank God our husband is loving, forgiving, patient, and nonjudgmental (until the actual judgment day; He is the one pleading, "Spare it a little longer"), and he will be that way for us for as long as it takes, and as long as we are still alive.

Do what the Spirit directs you to do, John, whether to divorce or to make it work."
posted at 12:10:05 on May 22, 2012 by beclean
Thank you    
"Well, this thread has gotten quite complex. I have agonized if I was doing the right thing many times. I appreciate all the help and thoughts and advice given. There are many good LDS women out there, but for me, for now, there is only one, and I need to see it through whatever it takes. I have inquired many times and after many, many times of pleading and asking and inquiring of which most times I get no answer I finally got the answer that so many on here have been trying to tell me in different words. I got the message to leave it all up to him and just work. Work on me, work my job, work on my family. All the things that I can affect and let him take care of the rest, whatever direction that is going to be. Rest in his peace and let him take me the rest of the way, because there is no way I can get there on my own. I really need the advice and comments that I get on here. It is so vital to when I am feeling a little crazy. It happens to me so often and we all know what outlet we are used to using when we want to calm and drive away the anxiety, and coming on here is much better than falling. Thanks Again."
posted at 15:20:48 on May 22, 2012 by John07
amen beclean    
"Amen."
posted at 19:07:53 on May 22, 2012 by Anonymous
+2    
"Beclean....that was so spot on. Thank you for sharing. I am such a sinful, broken woman. I don't deserve the love of my merciful God, Savior or husband. But somehow, miraculously, I have all three. Thank you so much for reminding us all of that scripture. It is exactly what this discussion needed.

John - Again, your humility is to your credit. No matter what happens, I believe you will be blessed and your healing will come faster because of your attitude. It really is inspirational. I am personally also so grateful that I never gave up on my husband....well, that is not totally true, I did emotionally give up several times, but I never took it all the way to divorce. Sometimes it was only because I couldn't afford the divorce at that time...but that is another story. At the end of the day, I am so, so grateful that our marriage is intact. Even with all the hell we went through I am grateful and wouldn't change a thing today."
posted at 13:58:37 on May 23, 2012 by maddy
Update number 3    
"Well,

here I am again. I thought I would come back on here to let all of you know the update. My wife decided that in order to heal that she needed to be totally separated from me, that includes divorce. So we cooperatively filed divorce. I would have waited for her for years, but I cannot work on something by myself. The divorce has been finalized and now I am still moving and though I am still with my same company, the job is different. I have maintained my sobriety and I am still committed to it. It is strange to be divorced after 20 years, but in some ways life has not changed yet as I still have to go to work and take care of my kids. Any advice out there would be great. Thanks all and take care. I am now 235 days sober. I never want to go back. I will be checking back to try to assist others as I may."
posted at 16:02:05 on June 30, 2012 by John07


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006