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Question about group for wives
By John07
5/1/2012 5:09:04 PM
I was just curious about how many women go into the support group once and never come back? Any feedback about this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Comments:

My wife    
"My wife went and they made her feel like she was an enabler and that she needed to fix her problems. She went hoping to find someone to listen and express their sympathy. She did not go to rip on me but to find support from others who understood her problems. I think that the program was set up for alcoholics and how a spouse does often play the role of enabler. Where as with sexual sin many women my wife included had no idea of what I was doing."
posted at 17:41:45 on May 1, 2012 by ether 12:27
@ Ether    
"Was it a support group specifically for spouses of Porn Addicts?"
posted at 19:12:10 on May 1, 2012 by John07
John07    
"I understand why someone would not return. My husband is an alcoholic, but he would drink in secret. I didn't know about it until itt was bad. So I was not an enabler. I went to the meetings thinking someone could help me with my feelings. But when you try to talk about it you are more or less told not to worry about his issues, don't be toxic and complaining and fix your own problems. I kept going and going, thinking I was really missing this great boat of wisdom. But I finially decided it wasn't a good fit for me. I think I might try individual counseling."
posted at 19:44:52 on May 1, 2012 by 1Dayattatime
John    
"Yes it was spouse of porn and and sex addictions."
posted at 22:48:38 on May 3, 2012 by ether 12:27
Meetings    
"I tried going to a wives only PASG meeting. I only went about 5 times. It was ok at first but poorly attended. Then I had a really negative experience with a woman that was actually a friend of mine and when I showed up she freaked out that my husband had issues too. She was getting a divorce from her husband and so everyone knew there were problems and I was expecting her to come at some point and had no problems sharing my life....I am not ashamed of it and I was really happy to be there together. But she had a hard time with it.

But that wasn't the negative experience: the bad part was everything I said when I shared she jumped all over and 'corrected' it. She was trying to teach a lesson about defending ourselves against men and to not be vulnerable to the pain that comes from a sexually addicted spouse. She hammered me over and over again that I was wrong for feeling the way I did. At one point she said, "I'd like to bare my testimony that that is not true...." after I had made a comment about having no power for myself and that everything I have comes from Christ. It was pretty surreal. The facilitator was out of town but they let them hold the meeting anyway and so there was no one to referee. I talked to the facilitator about it when they got back in town, and they assured me that it wouldn't happen again, but I decided not to go back.

I LOVE, LOVE ARP meetings and those are a much better fit for me. When I hear addicts talk and get support from them, I feel a sense of family and hope. When it is just the wives talking about one specific issue, I don't seem to feel as connected. In our ARP group we have alcoholics and drug addicts and sex addicts and food addicts and people with anger issues and control issues and unknown issues but it doesn't matter. I love going because I relate to them so much more than I did in the women's PASG meeting."
posted at 06:28:22 on May 4, 2012 by maddy
Wow. I guess they didnt have rules about no cross talk in your meeting    
"We are strict about that in our meetings. For that reason. "
posted at 10:23:43 on May 4, 2012 by Anonymous
@Maddy    
"I am so sorry to hear that happened. My wife has committed to going to a support meeting. I guess I was just trying to get a feel for how often it was that after one meeting they never go back. I guess I just need to trust the Lord and his time and his ways and that the best will work out for me and her in the end whatever that may be."
posted at 11:09:56 on May 5, 2012 by John07
My expereince    
"I prayed for a long time s I was desperate to find somewhere that I could go to find help and support. I remained silent for many years as I waited for change. I was promised that he would change over and over again. I couldn't talk to anyone as I felt so much shame for something I did not create. I also felt that I should not tell anyone because he was trying to change and I did not want anyone to think badly about my husband. I suffered in silence.

There was nowhere for me to go and no one I could talk to. I tried to turn to Bishops over the years, but the responsibility was mostly put back on my shoulders.

2 1/2 years ago, I was at a breaking point when I was finally coming out of denial. I had to come to the realization that I had three members of my family who were addicted to something. What a reality check! It was at that time that I found out about a pilot program for wives and mothers of addicted family members. I drove to another town and began attending LDS 12 step meetings. The hardest thing I had to do was to touch the doors, open them, and walk in. I thought I would vomit. I cried through my first month of meetings and then I felt at home. I was grateful to have found support.

I found a group closer to home and began attending. Since that time the program known as "Healing through Christ", changed. They are still using that title, but it is not the same. It use to be different and more geared towards the pain caused by an addicted loved one. In my opinion, the program they are using now, is a shell of what it once was. It looks more like the addicts manual and I find that very shaming. Although we are similar in many ways, loved ones of addicts should be treated differently. I love all of the women in my group. I see them a Angel Warriors. I loving refer to them as Sister Wives. No matter their shape, size, color, or personality, I see us as all of the same.

The issue I have with the LDS program is that they have people running it that have "callings" to serve in the ARP program. Often I see that these people have no one in their family, including themselves who have gone through the recovery and healing process. One of the most important aspects that was written into the original AA and Alanon programs is that the one who is leading be someone who has actually overcome addiction or codependency, have long term sobriety. They are the person who leads by example. Also, I feel that there is a lot of control over the LDS meetings and a lot of cultural pressure is placed by some of the people who are running the program. I have been shut down in my sharing as I share inspiration which comes from anywhere I find it and sometimes I find that in other religion's music and poetry...etc. We have found great help in recovery by a professional counselor from another church. I feel that I can only share inspiration if it is Mormon. Although I feel the program is good for what they re trying to accomplish, I felt that I needed something different.

I have since found a community group that I feel very comfortable in. I love being able to be open and honest in whatever I say. Although they speak of a higher power, I bring my Savior with me wherever I go and I speak of God when sharing. Some say "higher power", but in my heart it is all the same. I love the heart connection and will continue going to these meetings and still attend my LDS meetings when I m able to keep a connection with the sisters there.

My deepest healing only comes through Christ, and working my 12 step program everyday keeps me in that place of His truth and His light.

We are walking this path and it does not matter how you find healing and recovery, only that you find it. And if you pray to find your path, the Lord will lead you to the place where you can find help. And when you begin to heal, he will lead you to help others along that path in their lives. For once we find and stay on the path of truth and light; we cannot help but want to sing the song of our Savior’s redeeming love, and reach out to help bring others to Him."
posted at 10:55:00 on May 6, 2012 by angelmom
Thanks    
"Angel and Maddy, Fantastic as usual."
posted at 22:10:47 on May 6, 2012 by John07
Some thoughts    
"I'm grateful to hear some perspectives from the wives. I honestly don't think I fully comprehend the perspective of the wife. I know it must be very hard. It should be common knowledge now that pornography addiction is widespread in the LDS church as a "plague" and perhaps the majority of us have been affected by it in some way either directly or indirectly. I have often felt, since my addiction has come to light, that I am seen as a worthless soul, treated as if I were the son of Satan...when what I really needed was some compassion and to be loved. It has been a hard road but I am in a peaceful place now spiritually, however the consequences of my addiction may follow me for the rest of my life...however I expect as with all things that life will get better with time. My wife at the time had developed an emotional affair with another woman which continues to this day and the other woman has essentially replaced me as a pseudo-dad. I would lose my temper over the situation frequently and eventually my wife sought a divorce and that's when my addiction came to light for her and for me (because before that I was in complete denial). I was determined to clean up and save my family, but it was too late...and eventually we divorced. A couple of years later I remarried a sweet and wise LDS woman, who was no stranger to pain. She was raised as an orphan, but her step dad, the only LDS member in her family, and her ex husband was also addicted to pornorgraphy and had multiple extra marital affairs. Her marriage ended but she has been a great example to me in forgiveness. Her and her ex-husband have the most ideal relationship I've ever seen. He'll sit with us at family events and I like him. It's a completely different story for me and my ex-wife. She continues to be vindicitive and will sabotage my time with the kids. They have been brainwashed and see me as someone to fear. They have been trained to be reporters and spies for their mother. It causes me so much heartache. At family events, they don't even feel comfortable coming up to me to say hello. The ex-wife and her parents ignore me and scatter like bugs when I come around as if I'm a leper. I have to continue to practice forgiveness for this hurtful behavior. I pray always that their hearts may be softened and that they may someday be able to forgive me. I try to give them the compassion that they cannot give me...and it's hard to do so when it hurts so bad. With my kids, I always try to be loving and forgiving and understanding. I know that they suffer too and in a priesthood blessing I was told that they are also God's children and He will care for them. I believe and have hope that if I continue to love them, which may also mean tough love, and not play into this drama, not speak ill of their mom, but continue on in the gospel....that when they are 25 years old or so, and have families of their own, they will see the truth and will want to be with me and have a good relationship with me. For now, I'm hanging on and trying to be present in their lives as much as I can."
posted at 10:00:48 on May 8, 2012 by hopeful1


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004