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What Would You Do?
By moronidenovo
4/26/2012 6:57:12 PM
My father, is addicted to porn. I found out through a search history two years ago and receny. I know he is still looking at porn. But it's not as simple as just telling the bishop or mom. I don't want to be responsible for their divorce. I know a lot of moms on this site talk about how disgusted they are and how could they do that.

To the Moms,I've heard a lot of complaints and anger from moms here because of what their husbands did., so what would you have liked to hear from your husband when they told you? How would you have liked to handle it?

To the Dads out there, what advice do you for me, because I feel my mom should know before I go on my mission. How do I even go about this. I see a future of turmoil and difficulty.

Thanks, and please keep it on the topic and questions. Don't worry about how I feel, I'll be fine. But of course, I want to hear your own thoughts do not feel suppresed. Thank You

Comments:

Moroni, you crack me up.    
"You love to tell people what to write in their blogs. "Don't tell me this... Stay on topic... Tell me what specifically..."

It's just different than what I'm used to in my family, where we simply make a statement of our own and then say, "What are your thoughts?"

You have eliminated all kinds of options in your post. What do you think is a viable course of action? What do you think about talking to your dad, and not your mom? Can you approach your dad with a loving, understanding attitude, perhaps even inviting him to meetings with you? Does your mom know about your own problems? Are you in a position to insist that everyone else in the family be open about their problems? If you told your mom about your struggles, how did she handle that, and is there any reason to suspect she would handle your dad's struggles the same way?

Love ya, man."
posted at 19:25:31 on April 26, 2012 by beclean
Only because I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind    
"I know a lot of people on here are too scared to say what they actually think because people will make them feel stupid. Why is it bad that I say stay on this topic, sometimes you can get caught up talking about something and end up not even ansering the question.

I want everyone personal statement I guess I wasn't clear and will add it.But the situation about your family is different because I'm not giving advice on this, I'm asking for advice from the people who have gone through this. I'm not here to say anyones advice is irrelevant, it's just I hope you can stay with me on my plea for help and not drift off.

How have I elimated all options? QUESTIONS: I honestly don't know how to go about this. Just talking to my dad would make things awkward, because he wants us to look up to him and if he thinks we see him as weak, it could damage our relationship. That's an assumption but I'm not comfortable only talking to him. I am currently not going to any meetings, but I believe he would refuse to go meetings because he is extremely stubborn. And let me make it clear also that I'm not mad anymore, so I can approach him in a loving way so long as the end result is productuve. I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean about me having a position to say, lets all share our problems. I'm son in a family. I am not going to tell my mom about my struggles, and the bishop said that was ok. I know for a fact that she would react different with her husband, because they're MARRIED. That is a sacred bond.

I hope you actually wanted to hear my answers and not just trying to make a point. And I appreciate someone like you who says something like I'm arrogant but still tries to help. Some people never talk back so thanks."
posted at 19:53:03 on April 26, 2012 by moronidenovo
Moroni,    
"Why don't you tell us exactly what you want you want to hear so we can make you happy? Man, the control issues on this one...sheeesh!"
posted at 20:48:26 on April 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Let's Be Supportive To Each Other    
"First off, I don't think that we should be fighting with each other on here. This is a place to support one another, and requesting specificity in answers is perfectly acceptable. Criticizing each other will only make this place an unsafe place to express ourselves in our journey to recovery.

As for your question, Moroni, I hope I can help. I would suggest that, as difficult as it is, you should talk with your father about it. I feel that giving your father the opportunity to take care of things his own way is important, and in the end it is HIS decision on what to do, not yours. I once had a roommate that found out I was addicted to pornography, and he approached me and encouraged me to talk with the bishop. I know its not the same as a father-son relationship, but that experience was pretty influential in how I felt in that house from then on. The reality is that addiction thrive in secrecy, and if your father knows his actions aren't as secret as he thinks, this may help him start the road to recovery. Maybe tell your Dad that you can't leave on your mission knowing this secret isn't out in the open.

I'm pretty sure that any wife out there would want to know about their husband's addiction as early as possible, but I also think that he should have a chance to tell her. If you are afraid or worried what to say, consider writing a letter and reading it to him. That's just one suggestion, hope it helps.

As for the rest of you, don't be trolls. This is a place of love, support, and Christ-like outreach. Treat it as such."
posted at 00:00:05 on April 27, 2012 by fatherofone
I feel like that Anonymous guy follows me around    
"Do you think he enjoys making comments like that?

@Fatherofone thank you for defending me a little bit. I was starting to wonder if I'm actually the bad guy. I think some people don't know that me and BeClean go back a lil bit, so we joke with each other. Were not strangers, I would say were friends.

I do want what's best for not only him, but my mom. I've read a lot of stories of mothers being hurt and it worries me. That's why I want to know what the mothers think, and how they wouldve wanted their husbands to handle it. I totaly agree with you on the secrecy. It allows you to have no accountability. This site helped me start that, but it wasn't until I met with the bishop that I realized I have a real responsibility and haven't been doing enough. I'm just worried that because I will be the only one to know about his addiction, at least until he tells my mom, that our relationship will change.

thanks again fatherofone."
posted at 03:02:23 on April 27, 2012 by moronidenovo
As a wife    
"My useless advice: Tell your bishop. Let him call your parents in."
posted at 08:02:58 on April 27, 2012 by maddy
Take care of yourself first..    
"Looked through your posts. I cant tell if you have sex addiction or not. If feels like you like to throw out provocative questions and then walk away.. It feels like the action of an addict, and thats why I make that assumption.

Anyways..
anytime I feel like I need to work on someone elses problems (happens a lot) -- my brothers, my wife, my co-workers, my sponsor tells me "stop it" and to work on my own recovery. He tells me get some good sobriety, work the steps, change yourself. Everything else will fall into place (so Im told... Im still walking on faith on this too).

As addicts work on their steps, they will address resentments and other character flaws. It's not the addicts job to call out their mom or dad or brother, etc. Addicts need to work on keeping their own side of the street cleaned.

that being said -- part of keeping the street cleaned is maintaining good boundaries. Most addicts need to address things with their parents. This should be done in the context of "How did you hurt me" or "how did I hurt you" . when we worry about what other people should do, we cant work on ourself.

when I did my 9th step, I made ammends with my mother and father separatly and addressed each one specifically.

you have to decide how you will do this. No one can tell you what to do. Nor would you let them.

Ok.. Im going to break my rule and talk about what you could consider doing. I would generally only talk about how things work for me and use "I terms" to do it. I perceive you are young and need more of the direct approach...

If i were in your shoes I would do the following:
1. Do my best to not to worry if my dad is working on his porn problem. Its definately not my business. If he isnt ready to work on this addiction, he's not ready. there is no upside to disclosing anything.

2. If this is driving me nuts and I cant think about anything else, tell the bishop like maddy said. Then let it go.. I see almost no positive outcome to forcing things in the open.

3. Work on myself, go to some 12 step meetings. Possibly disclose that I have an addiction to my father and or mother and tell them I need help. Frankly this would be a great chance for your father to talk to you about it. maybe he would have some good insight . Maybe he goes to meetings with you.

4. Disclosing everything to your mom and going on a mission is like dropping a hand grenade and leaving. Not helpful. Your dad could blame everything on you or deny everything. nothing good.


good luck whatever you choose.."
posted at 13:42:29 on April 27, 2012 by Hurtallover
Secrets??    
"Secrets are what make families SICK!, SICK!, I really like # 3 above.
I am a Mom, and a wife and a Grandmother, so from my decades of experience start with yourself. Get to a group, get a sponsor, get accountable........your Bishop is there to be your Judge in Israel, that is his calling and keys to bless our lives, your Mother and Father are blessed with keys particular to you. Heavenly Father will guide them if they seek in righteousness, to know what is best for their son. They can work in harmony with the bishop.

I understand that you are disturbed by the evidence you uncovered on the computer that your Father is looking at porn. He is a big boy! He can take the heat! Not your problem. You have to take responsibility for yourself. Your Mom, instinctively she has suspicions, but NO ONE including you can heal completely keeping secrets from those you are accountable to.

Your Mom will be hurt deeply if she does not know, but, believe me, the Lord will let her know sooner or later! Either by using you as an instrument for healing or by some other mechanism. God will not be mocked. There is not one statement that God makes in the scriptures that He will not uphold. Including the statement that the sins of the fathers (and mothers) will be put upon the heads of the children for generations and generations. So you have a unique opportunity to break that curse. It is a curse. Through the atonement you have the power to save yourself and your children from repeating the sins of the fathers. You see, this is not just about you, it is about your children and your childrens children.

Prayers to you, Moronidenovo. You are a warrior we all need to step up and do the righteous battle so your promise can be achieved. "
posted at 21:46:56 on April 27, 2012 by Hero
Yep    
""Possibly disclose that I have an addiction to my father and or mother and tell them I need help. Frankly this would be a great chance for your father to talk to you about it. maybe he would have some good insight . Maybe he goes to meetings with you."

This could really help a lot. You could potentially be the catalyst for some serious, life-changing events. You could potentially "play dumb" and ask your Dad for advice. He may actually have some words of wisdom, or he may admit that its really hard. If the latter happens, ask him to join you in meetings. I really like this a lot. I agree with others that trying to force anything is a bad idea. The saviour did everything through love. That's the most effective way to encourage change, and its the most long-lasting. Good luck, and my prayers are with you."
posted at 00:09:32 on April 28, 2012 by fatherofone
I'll do two separate Comment Post    
"@Hurtalover haha provocative questions, I try my best to respond, and I think I do a pretty good job at letting people know what I think. Sometimes I get in trouble for that. The reason you don't see my past much is because I created a new account. I will tell you I used to have a daily porn problem, but I'm feeling pretty liberated right now. I have looked@ porn for a few weeks. I don't count because I don't see the benefit in doing so. I honestly don't know what your talking about calling other people out. I'm trying to help my parents marriage, this isn't a fun project for me. I didn't ask for this kind of burden of knowledge, I wish I never knew. For your 4 suggestions. #1: You can't honestly expect that to do that, he's my dad I want to help him. I've been ignoring it for 3 years, enough is enough. #2: It's not driving me nuts, but if you look down at my response to Maddy you'll see what happened. #3: I believe that I no longer have the same addiction as I had a few weeks ago. A lot has happened, and I just simply don't have the temptations I used to. I realize I could wasily relapsebut I will continue to grow my testimony. Also, he is not a share my story type of guy, he's prideful. I don't think he would ever go to an ARP meeting. #4: I don't think that is a way to solve this, but more of a warning. But I agree, my mission isn't till a while but how can I go out and preach repentence, when I can't even help my own father.

@Maddy, your advice isn't useless. Believe it or not I've already done that. I've told my bishop that I saw evidence of his Pornography use. He tried to get him in for an interview, but wouldn't come in . Of course we know why. But now we have a differenr bishop...

@"
posted at 00:46:47 on April 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
you guys took the time to write so I'll return the favor    
"@Hero yes, I have confessed to the bishop. I've been clean from porn for a little while and I oneslty don't think an ARP meeting would be the appropriate place for me. The bishop didn't even mention that option. Secrets are bad, that's why I'm here asking everyone for help. I'm not trying to heal anything, I just want this to go to my mom in a safe manner. The way you handle things can make a big difference. I agree she will find out sooner or later, that's why I want to get this out sooner. Thanks for your thoughts.

@Father"
posted at 02:09:55 on April 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
my phone is dumb    
"@Fatherofone I don't think things would be so simple. But I would do it if the bishop told me to. My dad is smart and would see right through my game. I'm not forcing anything. I've know for two years and i t hasn't been fixed.

You guys out there's with Wives, what would you do if your son found out you looked at porn. Do you even consider what kind of burden it places on the child? How do you think he sees you differently now, less respect, less honor, less of a father? I want to know what you guys would think so I can prepare with my dad"
posted at 02:20:50 on April 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
I'll try to stay on topic...    
"No I do not have a father that has a pornography addiction... But I'll try to put myself in your position... One of the first things that pops into my mind is somehow anonymously (by leaving a note or email from a different account or something) informing him that there is someone other than just him that knows about his addiction... now i'm not sure how the rest of your relationship with your father is so I'm not sure if that would help or make things worse.... Second thing I can think of is prayer. I know that is the Cliche thing that everyone turns to but I've found in my own life that it really works. Pray that your father will realize what he is doing is hurting not only himself but his family as well and that he will be able to fix it.

I am not sure if that helped at all but I feel that since you are helping me so much I needed to at least try to help you. To me you seem strong and intelligent so I know that you will find a way to deal with this. "
posted at 02:37:51 on April 28, 2012 by jja1234
We cant control anything    
"Again.. remember responsibilties.

Its not anyones job to fix their parents. My parents have a strange odd relationship. There are tons of things I wish they did different. I used to fantasize about my dad leaving my mother so the abuse would stop.

One think I've learned over and over and over through sad experience is that anytime I try to control things, it falls apart. If I try to manipulate, push, whatever form it takes -- EVEN if its with godly intentions, I fail. As addicts, we fail this over and over and it's instinctual and we are good at it.

I know you want to help him and your mother. We all want to help our loved ones. In the lifestar program they call this the "rescuer child mode" Its not healthy. People need to fix themselves.

Christ invited people to come unto him. He didnt force them to come unto him. Forcing an addict into a recovery program is a SUPER FAIL.. NEVER NEVER NEVER works. The wives on here have documented how well it worked to "force" their husbands into recovery. But once the husbands are in recovery for themselves, miracles occur.

The lifestar program teaches us that when we are in an "adult role" that we make good decisions based on ourself and people stuck in child roles will likely follow us into the adult role. thats why I suggested asking your father for help. Asking for help is an adult thing to do. Telling someone what they need to do is a childish thing.

Thats why I suggested if I were in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I would address my own problem with my father. He knows what hes doing. He's probably stuck too. I would tell him Im scared and feel terrible and ask for guidance. (assuming I can trust him)

Seriously -- When I focus on my own recovery, things go very well. When I dont -- See my vent from a few days ago when I was focusing on my wife and see how terrible I felt.

As addicts get further into recovery, they get a sense of humbleness and dont compare themselves to others. Im still learning this and suck at it. We learn that a few weeks, months, years of sobriety doenst give us moral authority to call people out. All we cna do is share what worked for us.

all the evidence Ive seen shows that most addicts need about 2 years before they hit a growth stage of their journey.

Stages according to Patrick Carnes
developing stage - up to 2 years.. Gettings the guts to really recover.
crisis/ decision stage-- 1 day/ 3months -- finally deciding enough is enough
stock stage - about 8 months- getting sobriety, realizing what damage it has caused
grief stage - 4-8 months -- feeling terrible for the ripples of damage caused by your own actions.
repair phase - 18-36 months (overlaped with grief) sobriety gives better decision making skills
growth phase -- after repair phase 24months + everything is working on all cylinders. addict deals with problems effectively. Self esteem restored. Highly productive.. I guess its all rainbows and unicorns after that. :-)

Moroni -- good luck man. I imagine you are hurting. I would be devastated knowing my father had a problem. I would want to do anything to fix it. It would be hard to hear people tell me to back off. I know you are doing your best to keep your own sobriety and all of this adds pressure to the situation. I dont envy your situation. I feel compassion toward you. You will make it and do well..

As my sponsor tells me over and over again." DUDE WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF. it will all work out in God's time. You do your work. Let God do his." "
posted at 07:11:37 on April 28, 2012 by Hurtallover
Secrets aand Illusions    
"Moroni,

Your Father is not honoring his Priesthood and your mother is living in secrecy knowing that something is not right. My guess is that she has spent years trying fix herself and everyone around her. Deep inside she already knows because a man who has a relationship with porn, has no real relationship with his wife.

I am so sad that you have to worry and keep a secret that you did not create. You are very young and this is a terrible burden you hold. I pray that you will release this burden and ask the Savior to carry it for you.

Having the spirit of pornography in your home has invited the Devil in. There is no amount of pretending or denial that can change that fact. The Priesthood is a blessing to all who repent and are worthy to hold it. It is also a responsibility, a huge responsibility! When one defiles the Priesthood by viewing pornography and participating in any form thereof , are in the league with the evil one. There is no splitting hairs or minimizing this . Members of the church who have made sacred covenants in the Temple understand this clearly.

The good news is that we do have a Savior, and all who come unto him will be healed . It takes time, but the moment we access him, everything in our heart changes.

Your dad will continue to escalate in his porn addiction. And it will bring more and more evil upon your family. You do not yet see all the effects of it , but that is just the way it is. I have met many women (no exaggeration) through my girls groups who found out because the police were involved. I met 2 just last week in which their husbands were on the evening news. Their Grief is enormous.

This is no small thing and the longer secrets are kept, the more damage is being done in your home, because your home is not protected, as the power of the Priesthood, is the only power of spiritual protection. My husband taught me this. Yes your dad is prideful. Ask any man on this site, and they will all tell you that they are not one of "those gross men" who look at porn. They had in their mind that they were not as bad as so and so. They think that they are special or different and do not need recovery. My husband was one of those. But all men must become submissive to the truth. It is part of the repentance process.

There is so much I can say about my situation because I do have an addict husband and addict children. We dealt with disclosure and we are working closely to have something that addiction robbed us from for many many years. There are no secrets in our home now and we attend meetings.

The greatest thing about bringing our sins out into the light is that we are healing and we now have a very real and deep relationship with the Savior and our Father in Heaven. When sins are kept in the dark, religion is just an illusion and something we wear to look good before men. The Atonement is real, but can only be accessed through repentance. What we fear is really what we need the most. It is when we think we are different, the rules don't apply to us, or we have special circumstances, is when we find ourselves in the most trouble.

BTW, the respect my husband thought we had for him was aan illusion. We had fear. Now he is dearly loved and respected by each of us. He knows that when men a weak, they are really strong. God loves and uses the weak things of the earth to teach the prideful.

I have only one bit of advice for you, and that is to pray for guidance, listen for answers, and have the courage to follow through. "
posted at 14:09:52 on April 28, 2012 by angelmom
lots of good thougts    
"@jja123 I think he would freak out if somebody left him a note saying "I know what you did last summer, and last week!" haha. But thanks. No, prayer is probably the best thing to do next to talking to the bishop. Although I appreciate everyones comments, it will come don't to my choice and the lords guidance through prayer. So, the simpler suggestion is awsome, thank you. And your welcome, if you want to talk about other stuff just let me know.

@HurtAllOver"
posted at 00:47:29 on May 1, 2012 by moronidenovo
lots of good thougts    
"@jja123 I think he would freak out if somebody left him a note saying "I know what you did last summer, and last week!" haha. But thanks. No, prayer is probably the best thing to do next to talking to the bishop. Although I appreciate everyones comments, it will come don't to my choice and the lords guidance through prayer. So, the simpler suggestion is awsome, thank you. And your welcome, if you want to talk about other stuff just let me know.

@HurtAllOver"
posted at 00:47:40 on May 1, 2012 by moronidenovo
@hurtallover    
"gosh, my posting is out of wack. I'm not trying to fix anything or anyone. I'm not going to be the judge and jury as my parents struggle through this. I only want a safe way to present the best option for my dad so he doesn't hurt my mom so bad. I'm not going to control anything. I can see where that "rescue child mode" kicks in, but that's not what I'm in. I've know this befoe I even got into porn and I honestly would say I have a good future ahead of me because I have zero tempations for porn. This is looking out for my parents, especially mom, because I know for a fact my dad will hide this until he gets caugt. I have never suggested "forcing" my dad into a recovery group. In facy, I specificaly said he would not go if he was told to. He's prideful. I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, what in trying to do is make him reakize that somebody knows, and that will hopefully create accountabilty. This is a marriage, he will tell my mom eventually. That will be up to the bishop.

it's interesting you say I am probably hurting and the thing is I'm passed that. Like I said, I've know for quite some time, and knowing that long just makes it hard to see this issue from an emotional perspective. I'm now trying to look at this in a way that will help my mother deal with it and father fight it. Thanks for your time"
posted at 01:02:49 on May 1, 2012 by moronidenovo
Last but not Least    
"@AngelMom I agree, it's not a good thing that a priesthood holder is doing this. I know I didn't ask for this secret, I almost wish I didn't know but then I wouldn't be able to help so it's a double edged sword. Agree again, this is a serious issue, and my dad has avoided temple interviews with the excuse we don't pay tithing. My mom has to feel something wrong. It can easily get the police involved or come to cheating. That's why it's my goal to get this figured out before my mission, or else it's two years of know what could happen and know as a missionary, I couldn't help my own father. It's sad and frightening to think about.

You have addict children? Like in their teens. That's actually interesting because technicaly I'm in the same situation with my past porn problems. How did you handle know that not only your husband but your children have this issue? Did it affect your relationships and spirituality?

thank you for giving me the perspective of a wife and mother. I know I asked "what would you do" but truthfully I wanted to hear the situation of the people and suggestions for me (as a son) from the perspective of a father (addict) and mother (victim?).

thanks again"
posted at 01:17:53 on May 1, 2012 by moronidenovo
Keep praying    
"Moroni de novo, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have been in the position of being an adult son trying to get his parents to face issues that should be dealt with and it was tough and didn’t get anywhere. Maybe now that the problem my brother and I were concerned about has borne fruit, they see that we were trying to do something good. I have also tried to help children who struggle and haven’t had much success getting them to accept the help.

My only thought is prayer. It sounds like you are already turning to Him for guidance which is important because He is the only one that knows what will work in your family’s situation. It worked for Alma the elder when he didn’t know how to directly help his son. You can pray that your dad will get into recovery and that your mother will be able to get through the pain and recover herself. If you are like me God’s timetable is slower than you would like, but don’t give up. Your prayers of faith can bring about miracles. One thought if the Lord inspires you to tell your parents about your struggle and ask for help like others have mentioned is that it may be just the thing to spur your dad to do something about his own situation out of guilt. Whether he is minimizing the seriousness of what he is doing or not, I’m sure the last thing he wants to happen is for one of his kids to get caught in the same trap. Realizing that some of my kids have the same struggle has caused me to redouble my efforts to recover. I want the issues to stop with my generation. I feel somewhat responsible because I have been the one that invited this spirit into my home.

You aren’t responsible to get your father to face this and change. Even if it is still a problem when you go on your mission, you shouldn’t feel bad. If you have done everything Heavenly Father told you to do, then you have done enough. We can’t make anyone want to change. I’ve tried!

Take care,
John"
posted at 12:57:20 on May 2, 2012 by justjohn
@JustJohn    
"thank you for your comments and support. True, after all the questions and answers on this site, it will come down to praying and God.

thanks"
posted at 00:36:21 on May 7, 2012 by moronidenovo
same here    
"You can't do anythings, only praying, our father in heaven is in the same situation, he wants the best for us but we have to make the choice.

I'm in the same situation as you do, but after years I realized it is not depending on my own will

I will take of my self and let god manage the rest.

Your friend from europe"
posted at 01:55:46 on May 7, 2012 by mike81
well I don't think there's anything wrong with helping others    
"especially family. I do feel I should help in some way. I know my mom hurts because they never go to the temple and doesn't know why. I'll figure something out through gods direction."
posted at 02:39:16 on May 7, 2012 by moronidenovo


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006