Looking for some insight
By John07
4/18/2012 5:39:56 PM
Brief Background.

I am a pornography and mast* addict and have been for over 25 years. I disclosed to my wife 5 months ago which was 2 days after she disclosed her affair to me. I take responsibility for my part in destroying our marriage. I robbed her of my time and affection due to my selfish addiction. I am seeing my bishop and attending my pasg 12 step program and seeing a counselor. We have up days and down days. She has moved out of state to get away from me. I am hoping that someone can help me understand something she texted to me. She said she was having a bad day and I apologized and took ownership for my part in that. I always want to validate her feelings now. She then went on to say that it was not all my fault and that it stemmed from me, and she doesn't like that I have that power, it actually makes her mad. Is the power she referring to my past actions that still can upset and depress her? Is there anything I can do? I don't want power over her. I want to work towards a wonderful marriage. If she is willing I will do whatever it takes to make it work. I will literally do anything she asks as long as it does not hurt our kids. I know it takes time for her to heal and I am perfectly willing to wait however long it takes. I put her through this for 19 years, the least I can do is hang in there while she takes the time to heal. I just want make as few mistakes as I can. I really don't to sabotage our progress. Advice Please!!


Three recoveries...    
"Our stories are identical. Just remember that there are three recoveries that need to take place...Yours, hers and you as a couple. You both have to work through it at your own pace. It sounds like my story also in that i wanted to take complete ownership for all of our collective problems. It helped me understand and make sense of all of it. She felt like it took away from her responsibility, and diminished her role. My recovery seemed to progress more rapidly than hers. Remember she can't play the part of the hurt, innocent wife like most of the stories you read about us as addicts. That hurts her! My advice is not to smother her. Be there to hold her, lover her and give her space and time. Show by your actions that your recovery is progressing. Be patient with the "couple recovery" will take the longest. Trust is a hard thing to recover. My wife and are are doing great. It's been 905 days of recovery for me....but it's been a long, hard road. Ultimately i believe it will be worth it and then some.
Don't force it..Go back to what worked in the beginning. Watch sunsets together. Talk long walks together. Be there to LISTEN. Don't try to FIX it."
posted at 13:56:33 on April 19, 2012 by chefdalet
Thanks CHEFDALET    
"Thank you for your response. I guess I just have to be patient and wait until we can do the long walks and watching the sunset."
posted at 18:09:47 on April 19, 2012 by John07
"The power she is talking about is an illusion and it is a projection of her own feelings of grief and helplessness and has nothing to do with you. Love her, support her and pray for her, but don't react to what she sees as the source of her anger. That isn't your job, that is between her and God. Good for you for caring so much!"
posted at 18:16:15 on April 19, 2012 by maddy
Thanks Maddy    
"Thank you so much Maddy. I am really glad to hear from you. It made me cry to hear that. I feel so helpless so much. You gave me confirmation that I am on the right path. It is hard to stay on this path, but I hope and pray it is worth it. I love her so much. I hope she comes back to the church. I feel mostly responsible for her leaving. Sorry, just venting. Thanks again."
posted at 23:39:33 on April 20, 2012 by John07
"My wife started playing the online game again where she met the guy she cheated on me emotionally and the guy she cheated on me physically and emotionally. She said she knew it would hurt me to do that but it was an outlet she needed. We had a fight about this because I was thinking of this problem through the pain it was causing me and the fear that repeating the gaming would lead to the repeating of her infidelity. She says that she is not doing it to hurt me. Is it because of her pain and me being the cause that she has almost no empathy for me? With this change? Is this something I need to put on the altar? I don't know. Is my response to this codependancy? I do accept that I hurt her. I am sorry, I don't know where to turn to ask besides here. Please Help."
posted at 19:15:18 on April 21, 2012 by John07
"I am not a gamer. I do, however, enjoy doing anything and everything in the same room as my wonderful wife. If I am working late, I prefer to have her working on a project right next to me. If we can't DO something together, at least we are physically only a couple feet from each other. I think it's good for our continued bond.

I read about a recent BYU study that says that gaming is terrible for a marriage if only one spouse is involved, but it CAN be a good, helpful part of a marriage if BOTH spouses are involved. The lesson here seems reasonably obvious (to me). If your suggestion to your wife that she stop playing goes unheeded by her, ask her if you can play with her, and then set aside the time each month, week, or even day (I don't know how these things go) that you will play with her. That may help your friendship.

And if you just can't get yourself to enjoy the same things (games) she enjoys, at least do whatever it is you do in the same room as her while she is gaming...and talk to each other about things while you work/play side-by-side.

Of course, I don't know how that works for a marriage that is broken to the point that you aren't living in the same state. I just hope these ideas/suggestions might help someone...especially you, John, if you are able to rebuild a relationship with your wife by taking something from what I have said.

I will pray for you and your wife."
posted at 01:16:40 on April 25, 2012 by BeClean
Gaming Together?    
"After she absolutely refused to stop playing, I asked her to set aside some time to play with me, she absolutely refused that as well. That does not reassure me. I started her gaming as a way for us to spend more time together."
posted at 15:09:43 on April 25, 2012 by John07
Nobody wants to say it but I will...    
"I think you deserve better. You seem very willing to work on the marriage and admit when you're wrong and she seems oblivious to the fact that she committed the ultimate betrayal. What you've done pales in comparison to her physically going outside of the marriage. She has a long road of heartache ahead of her before she can be whole again but she doesn't seem to be done digging the hole she is in. I am just saying that it may be time to move on, heal from this heartbreak, and find someone with the same level of commitment as you. My heart goes out to you, my friend. I know it is a scary thought but if you are on the road to recovery, you have many wonderful events ahead of you if you just keep trudging ahead. Once adultery has happened you are not obligated to stay married."
posted at 18:38:06 on April 25, 2012 by Anonymous
And the above goes to all the wives who've been cheated on, too.    
posted at 18:39:27 on April 25, 2012 by Anonymous
"I know I could quit the marriage. My heart will not let me. I have weak moments and it took time for me to understand something she has been trying to tell me. What I did to her, what she did to us, what happened to her before I met her, and all of that has now rolled up to a large ball of pain for her. She has to work through that, and I need to let her have the space to do so, if I want our marriage. We have had a break through where she now will tell me the bad things(things that she knows will hurt me), but will mitigate it with more truth such as "I don't want to be married to you, but I expect that to change in the future." This is huge for me. I t gives me hope. To open herself up to me and her feelings for me knocks on that huge ball of pain and she has to do that on her own and turn to Christ for the ultimate healing. Only she can choose that. I cannot do that for her anymore than she can do that for me. For her, for me, and for the kids, I don't have a choice, I have to be patient. I am on the roller coaster and I either ride it or get off, and getting off is unacceptable. Today she told me that I had lost her, but we were working on changing things and making them better in the future. I kind of feel like a child where what she is saying hurts, but afterwords is an increase of love, just as Thomas S Monson taught in a Conference talk, I don't remember which one, but it stuck with me. Well, that is all I have for now. Again, thanks again for all those comments. It is much appreciated. I am now clean for 174 days. I still have to take it day by day. I pray and hope to be cured, but the last 174 days have confirmed to me what HarveyF has told me. I can live with this addiction and live a good life. Whether I am cured in this life or the next, I can wait, be patient, and go to the Lord. Thanks again."
posted at 16:15:40 on April 30, 2012 by John07

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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990