The emptiness never stops
By Hopeful1
4/13/2012 1:21:26 AM
I do believe I'm doing well in my recovery from porn addicition. It wasn't until the threat of divorce was real that I realized I did indeed have an addicition since my youth. But despite my best efforts the marriage failed. That was about 3 years ago. I'll never forget the unmistakeable feeling of peace that came over me when we decided to divorce. It was the direction the Lord wanted me to take. I followed in faith but the road has been so much harder than I expected. The emotional struggles never seem to end. Even now as I write, I feel literal pain in chest because I miss my children and I miss being a dad. I have since remarried. She is a faithful LDS woman with children of her own. In many ways, she is evidence of the Lord's tender mercies in my life. She has helped me tremendously in my recovery and I see the good changes that have come over me. Change is hard of course and often painful even when it's good change. With my children, I am the non-custodial parent and it has been quite obvious to us that they are brainwashed by their mother. In my limited ability, I have tried so hard to following the promptings of the Spirit, to submit myself to God's will, and this path I'm on is so difficult. My recovery now focuses on correcting my character flaws and weaknesses and the progress can seem so slow-paced. But I hold on, press forward, because I have hope that one day, probably years from now, it will be better...and I will have peace and happiness. I hold on to the hope that one day, when my children are adults and perhaps have families of their own, they will see the truth and remember that I was always present and available for them, always wanting to spend time with them, trying my best to be a good example and a good teacher, as well as repentant of my past mistakes. I hope that one day they will WANT to see me, talk to me, be with me. It is hard to feel like I have any purpose but I know that I must endure this painful time and be patient. I try to focus on the positives in my life. I try to take care of myself and find joy in my life as it is. Sometimes, however, it feels like I'm just distracting myself from the deep pain within me. I'm such a terrible conversationalist - I'm terrible at phone calls - my social skills are weak - and that only makes me feel more separated from my children. I need to pray more for help in that area of my life. I need to pray for chairty and compassion because I tend to be a loner. It is hope that has kept me going all this time....but there are times like tonight where I wonder if I will ever stop hurting.


We all wonder at times    
"I have an Uncle that has gone through a similar struggle. He is a wonderful man & I deeply admire his courage & example to me & my family. It has been through my own addiction recovery process & watching his & a few others that I have begun to understand the Atonement on a level that I didn't understand before. So your suffering is on in vain. You are an example of Hope in many people around. Your children might not recognize it yet, but they will.
We all have those moments when we are alone with ourselves & we all wonder if the pain ever goes away. I think that the pain of not having your children in your life might get easier to carry, but I don't think it will ever go away. The Lord feels that way about us too. We are His children & he wants us back in His presence.
In the word of my Bishop & probably tons of Bishops all over the world, "Stay the course, keep moving forward."
Someone made a statement on here about whether or not there are success stories. I think that reading your message is a success story. Instead of indulging in your addiction, you chose to journal on here & seek support from the rest of us. That is success. Keep it up. You are in my thoughts & prayers. "
posted at 02:06:02 on April 13, 2012 by ME

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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006