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Anyone have the similiar experiance.
By John07
4/11/2012 11:48:58 AM
I am a pornography and masturbation addict. I have been for over 25 years. My life spiraled out of control about a year ago. Because of my self-centered attitude I cut myself off from my wife and my kids. I neglected my wife physically and emotionally. This put her in a place craving for attention. She went off and had an affair. She did not tell me about it. She told me she did not want to be LDS any more and stopped wearing her garments and said the it was the new her. She had already asked for a divorce. I asked her to go to counseling and she said it was too late. She found a job 1200 miles away, packed up the truck and left me and our kids. She said that she needed space and time to find herself. This was all without knowing about my addiction. Our children had serious mental repicussions due to this and had some scary moments. My wife flew home for a visit, and during this visit revealed her affair. She then left. This is when I hit bottom. 2 days later I told her about my addiction and went and saw the bishop. I have worked with the bishop and I am continuing working with him. She has stated that she is never moving back to the town where we live. I am forgiving, and I am trying to be trusting. I put in for a transfer to where she agreed to live. The person she had an affair with lives in the town that I now reside. I broke her trust and feel terrible. I feel like she broke mine and still have a hard time trusting her. Can anyone shed any light on this? Thanks.

Comments:

Ugh. not a good situation not a lot you can do    
"Addicts always look to control. I did - its instinct.

Consider starting with therapy for yourself and maybe your kids. Until you get into strong recovery, you wont be any more attractive to her. She probably said true -- she needs to find herself. This is how she did it. You cant control that. all you can do is control yourself -
You can pray for her.
Go get yourself some help.
go start a 12 step program
Be a great dad.
Dont judge her.
dont blame her
dont get the kids to pick sides.
work on your relationship with God
Provide a safe place for her to come back if thats what she wants.
If she doesn't, she doesnt.

I have have seen several cases of the wife walking out and even divorcing and then coming back into the marriage later. It can happen.

Have faith."
posted at 12:59:31 on April 11, 2012 by Hurtallover
More information    
"My kids are in therapy, I am in therapy, at the suggestion of my Bishop I started my pasg 12 step program 5 months ago. I know I am addicted to control. I am trying really hard to not do that and to let her do what she needs to do. I am looking for a light at the tunnel. I am not trying to get the kids to pick sides. I cannot change that she abandoned them, no matter what I tell them. All they know is Mommy is gone."
posted at 15:07:39 on April 11, 2012 by John07
Prayer    
"You need to ask recovering people on this site to come and pray for you & your family, it is the best thing."
posted at 21:17:41 on April 11, 2012 by regal777
This is a hard one. :(    
"Hey John, sounds like a really tough situation. It sounds like you both need to gain each others trust back. I'm reminded of the triangle they show in marriage prep classes, with you, her, and the Lord. I think the closer you get to the Lord, the more you will be able to heal your relationship with your wife. My experience has always been that the closer I get to the Lord, the clearer things become as well. You see things the way the Lord sees them. In the end, however, you can't take the burden of her actions. What she does is ultimately up to her, and nothing you do can FORCE her into anything. Bearing the weight of your own sins is hard enough, don't try and carry the weight of hers too. Praying for you here."
posted at 22:53:32 on April 11, 2012 by Fatherofone
Thank You    
"Thank you Fath and Hurt. Any wives have any input on this? thanks."
posted at 14:40:37 on April 12, 2012 by John07
some similarilites    
"John07
I had some similar experiences in my life and let me share some of those experiences and some things I learned. My ex-wife too had an emotional affair (a sexual affair I can't prove). There was a time that I blamed myself because while being addicited to porn because I was emotionally unavailable for my wife and kids. I never developed very good social skills either as a youth and that could never truly improve while I felt so ashamed of myself because of my behavior. So I've come a long way since the divorce. I'm healthier now...clean and "sober"...and now I continue to work on my character flaws...but the strange female to female relationship continues on with my ex-wife right in front of my children...and I no longer take the blame for that behavior. I admit that my choices did contribute to her behavior...that she was starved for emotional intimacy but she made her choices in the end...I didn't force her to chose another woman. So I turn it over to God. The Lord teaches us to pray for our enemies and for those that have wronged us. One of the first counselors I saw taught me a very important concept. While I sat there in his office, he pointed to a tree in the corner. He said imagine that tree is a healthy place where you want to be (in my mind I imagined the Tree of Life). As you begin to move towards that tree and become more healthy, it will cause tension in your marital relationship. She will try to pull you back into the codependent behavior because although it's unhealthy it's comfortable. So as you move forward becoming more healthy she can either follow you and become healthy also or she will continue on in her behavior and the relationship will break. He said in most cases the spouse will follow but it was not so for me...but I knew that I needed to be healthy. No matter the outcome I needed to head for that "Tree"...because remaining in an unhealthy relationship with my own unhealthy behavior was destructive to everyone. I attended the counseling meetings alone for a whole year before I found the PASG groups. So, I want you to realize that you should not blame yourself for your ex-wife's choices. You yourself must go to the "Tree" and become healthy and it will take time...you can't escape the need fo time...there is no quick fix...so be patient and consistent...pick yourself up and keep pressing forwad if you trip and fall...but don't take the blame for another person's choices...you can only control one thing in life and that is yourself which includes your thoughts and your choices and your reactions. The best hope for you children and your family is for you to be healthy yourself. Here is a good article from the last General Conference:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/faith-fortitude-fulfillment-a-message-to-single-parents?lang=eng"
posted at 23:32:39 on April 13, 2012 by hopeful1


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"In a decaying environment, the mind is the last redoubt of righteousness, and it must be preserved even amid bombardment by evil stimuli. Christ is competent to see us through, “for in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted” As promised, He will make either “a way to escape” or a way “to bear it”."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987