First time on here...
By LDS236
4/10/2012 3:36:23 PM
Hi. First time on here. So I found out from my husband last night that almost a year ago (we've been married for almost 7), he was receiving a massage that rubbed him until he climaxed. The person was massaging his legs and the sheet is what was rubbing him, not an actual hand. He told me back then that he had started to rise, and so he asked her to stop so he could calm down. Now I found out that wasn't the whole truth. I'm hurt. I'm upset. In some ways I'm jealous. I slept in the other room last night. He told me he thought I knew and that he wasn't be deceptive. I almost feel like he is being manipulative. I know that I'm overly emotional. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't think I should divorce him, I just don't know how to act with him, especially because he doesn't seem repentant. I don't know how to handle this and I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends. The last time I felt like we were having problems, I went to the bishop and he was furious with me. He said I should have talked to him first. I tried, he wouldn't talk to me.



"Well. Im sure you will get lots of comments. Take what works and leave the rest. You, ultimately will have to make your own decisions and feel comfortable with them or you will be haunted.

Im in recovery for sex addiction. So my comments will come from that perspective. There are lots of awesome partners on here that have virtual phDs in forgiving and living.

This forum is more for people that have on going compulsive sex addiction issues. I think the most imporant thing I've learned in therapy and doing a 12 step program is that our job as humans is to attempt to see and accept things as they really are -- Reality.

Worst case scenario -- Your husband is an addict. Of course he is lying and manipulating you - it's an instinct for him. He feels terrible about himself . He Tries to stop over and over and fails. Telling you a little bit is him trying to do something about it but failing at it. He may have done way more and you are only seeing he tip of the iceberg.

Best case - immoral massage therapist have to problems teasing patients. Frankly having a great massage and being touched the right way can be very arousing. If your husband isnt experienced with massage, he might not know how to stop them or what to say. The therapist could get a rise out of teasing and providing "happy endings". They do it to try to get a bigger tip, or whatever reason. It happens. Your husband felt terrible and tried to eat the guilt by sharing just a little bit. That didnt work and so he shared more. Not a great situation and he is doing his best to repent.

The reality is you dont know all he is doing and dont know what to trust. We all hope to live in an environment where we feel safe making mistakes. If it's killing you to know, then get a couples therapy session with a CSAT, come with a list of all the questions you want need to know -- pornography usage, massage usage, anything worse. You can have a full disclosure event then follow it up with a polygraph. It will cost about 150 for therapy and 300 bucks for polygraph and you usually get 4 questions or so. But then you will know. Unless he is a secret agent, he's not going to lie through the polygraph.
Or you can just work through the pain and betrayal and let time heal. share your feelings with him and work on setting boundaries and healing.

Your boundaries have been violated. those boundaries need to be marked and he needs to understand what those and the consquences. That needs to be part of new reality.

good luck. May you find peace."
posted at 08:18:53 on April 11, 2012 by Hurtallover
"I am new and cannot find a place to submit a starting blog, can anyone assist? thanks."
posted at 11:26:28 on April 11, 2012 by John07
"On the left there is a red button that says blog. Just click on that whenever you want to submit a blog post."
posted at 17:19:46 on April 11, 2012 by Anonymous
I dont know what to do    
"Sorry I am putting my problems into a comment but I really did not want to make an account.. well here it is. Ever since I was young age 6 I did not have the greatest friend and she got me to do things with her that now make me wonder if I should tell my bishop. I am 17 and around age 6 through 7 (before I was baptized) she got me to actually have sex with her. I was young and did not know the true meaning of it, but when I began to understand that it was wrong. (At late 7 she told me my dead father came to her in a dream and told her to stop. She told me about it and I never did a thing like it again). I told my mom at age 13 through 15 and she knows she was a bad influence on me. I really do not think this was my fault because I was so young and did not understand the full concept of sex. At age 8 I got baptized and did not tell my bishop about my sin because again I don't think I understood what I did was wrong. Around age 10 I prayed for for givness and felt everything was okay. Now at 17 I am really worried that maybe I was not forgiven and that I can not go on a mission when I turn 21 or get married in the temple. This sin happened before I got baptized should I tell my bishop? Or did this sin get washed away through baptism?
Sorry this is so long and I hope someone understands and is able to help me."
posted at 19:19:21 on April 16, 2012 by Anonymous
Hey Anonymous    
"First off, don't be afraid to set up an account. We're all pretty welcoming around here. :)

I would suggest that if you're feeling worried about it, the bishop is there to support you. I don't believe that the Lord will hold you accountable for something you did before you were at the age of accountability. When you were baptized you were washed clean of your sins. If you still feel any concern, guilt, or trauma from this event, however, the bishop can help you. Don't be afraid to talk to him, he is called to be your shepard"
posted at 01:28:52 on April 17, 2012 by Fatherofone
"I am trying not to be judgemental, but it is hard for me not to project a lot when I read your post. There are so many red flags popping up from just the little that you shared that I want to scream outloud, but let me first concur with Hurt that there are two possible scenerios going on here. First, is that this is a big mess that he handled very poorly and has hid out of shame and nothing like it has ever happened before and will ever happen again. Considering all the factors I find that unlikely (and this is where I am being judgmental and projecting). The other scenario is he is a full blown addict in the the throws of such deep deception he doesn't even know the truth himself and this is not the first time, the worst situation he has been in, and isn't and wasn't the last time he violated his moral covenants.
His line that 'you knew' is a classic line from addicts that transfers responsibility. Red flag.
Your gut reaction that you are being manipulated. Red flag. Trust your heart.
He asked her to stop, but SHE didn't. He knew it was wrong if he asked her to stop. If she didn't then LEAVE. Again he is transferring guilt. BIG red flag. Sexual climax doesn't happen in 2 seconds without a build up. He had time and lots of it to avoid the situation, "drop his coat and run" Joseph-style at the first sign he was having a reaction to her, and a thousand other off ramps before he climaxed. He chose not to. A repentant heart doesn't justify that. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he has a repentant heart.
I've had massages and have massage therapists in my family and there is no way on the face of the planet that this 'just happens'. BOTH parties have to be complicit for THAT to occur.
You said that you found out that this isn't the whole truth and I don't know what else he admitted but the fact that he was telling SOME of the story but lying about other parts is another red flag.
LDS236 - I don't want to pore salt in your wound, but I wish someone had told me the hard truth when I thought it was 'JUST' one time mistake or a coincidence or an innocent event that got misinterpreted....99% of the time, if you caught him once then there are 1000 times you haven't caught him. That doesn't mean give up on him. I didn't give up on my husband even once the house of cards came tumbling down. But it does mean start preparing yourself for what could be a long road of discovery. I was so emotional about what you wrote that I told my husband about it and asked his opinion. He responded that your husband sounds like he did when the lies got so big and so complicated that he was saying things that didn't even make sense any more and yet someone he still believed he could hold it together. I hope I am wrong. I really do. For both of your sakes.

One last used the word: jealous. I boy do I know that word. It is poison in the soul and addictively codependent. The reaction is logical and understandable but it will suck you in and bind you to the God's of Fear and Reactionary Living. Don't go down that road. Please, please, please. Even if everything that happened with this situation with your husband turns out to be a misunderstanding, then you can still run that risk. Please don't let yourself go there.

I know it sounds strange...but welcome. I hope you find the support you need here. Again, I am sorry for being so harsh. I just am saying to you what I wish someone had said to me."
posted at 09:22:37 on April 19, 2012 by maddy

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987