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floating
By Gondor44646
3/30/2012 2:26:43 PM
I feel prompted to type. Life is just floating.

I had a relapse about a month ago. Because of that my bishop felt that it would be best to wait next stake conference for the Melchisedec priesthood and a mission. I agree. I was sad then but as time went on I realized there is nothing stopping me from having all of those blessings except my own obedience.
I'm well over the relapse now, although I still have not committed to exercising (I felt prompted to). No masturbation, no pornography, some inappropriate pictures appear in this world no matter what I do, but I feel I have more control over this and I ought to be doing a better job at being completely honest, even with the most minor of matters.

I feel a little bit depressed, even though there is nothing wrong. I have a job, I live in a house, I have food and money, and I having a loving ward and mother. I have been reading a lot of Moroni's posts. I wonder if he is inadvertently helping me. Masturbation destroyed my teenaged life. I have to say it is my fault, if I say it is not my fault then I can't be accountable to it, but I allowed myself to be deceived, confused and afraid, I can't deny it. I don’t know why, and it felt imposable, but you will not change until you turn to God. If you look in my past posts I actually made a comment about oral sex!? My puny teenaged mind could not understand… pornography distorted and confused me and love for others and even myself was gone. I was raping myself.

I guess I am having a hard time forgiving myself, if I have been forgiven I think it would be difficult for me to recognize or accept it. I wish I could go back in time and literally reverse what happened; I wish I would have chosen to not masturbate. I don't believe being ignorant of it would have helped either. Sin is sin. Wickedness never was happiness. My life would have meant nothing without the knowledge of what I know now about the Savior, the atonement, and the purpose of life. I know in whom I have put my trust. I will not give up, I know there is a God, and I know the he loves us. I am prideful and arrogant and I have more to learn about the Saviors atonement.

I had a wet dream last night (((IHATEWETDREAMS))). I wish I could turn it all off. You would think wet dreams would help… It produces more stress for me and all the lights turn back on, for some reason I want to masturbate after I have a wet dream. I did not give in, and I am doing ok right now. I still feel sad right now though, if you can remember I’ve been here since I was 17, and before then I was working with my bishop since I was 12… I’m 22 now. When I was younger I would put a black line underneath the day on a calendar to represent a failed day… That was dumb; I still have the calendars, and it is covered in black lines, that is depressing and dumb… I used to count the days of being clean too… I don’t think that helps me anymore, I have been clear for about a month, then 1 relapse, and then I was clear for several months, I forget and I don’t want to care, I want this problem to be so dead that I will forget the last time I ever had this problem.

There is one more thing I am sad about. My thoughts, I do my best to control my thoughts, and I think I do a good job, but once in a while I get carried away. I’m sorry if this offends anybody, or… uh I don’t know… please be nice to me… -_- … In my thoughts I pretend I have a wife, I pretend to cuddle with her and to love her and to have sex with her… and these are some of my thoughts… and they are not real. I don’t have a girlfriend… Although such sexual thoughts might be normal, it is a sin. There will be a time when I can properly use my sexuality, but right now it is wrong. I wish I had a girlfriend, but it is probably a good thing I don’t. I wish I could have more control over my thoughts. I wish I would not hate myself so much when I think of these things, and when I feel disgusted of myself for thinking these things. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could love and feel good while keeping the commandments and not sin.

Sorry

Gondor

Comments:

Don't give up    
"Work the 12 Steps again and again. You will find the happiness you seek. The Atonement really works. I can relate to the frustration of slow progress. It is worth all the effort though. Just remember that you have made progress already. If you continue to ask God for His guidance he will present you with the experiences and what not that your recovery needs to continue moving forward."
posted at 18:06:36 on April 2, 2012 by justjohn
Gondor - float on - it is normal    
"Hi brother,

there are many things to remember. First - your brain, like any man's is wired for sex. It is the most basic emotion, the most prime instinct - so fighting the addition to pornography is very very difficult. The Church teaches gaining control over our physical appetites and passions, and gives us tools on how to do it.

You are not alone - and I bet you that everyone struggles with masturbation before they get married. At some point or another. Sometimes I think - the only way to make it work - is to engage in very draining physical labor - like construction, or extreme exercise - like ironman training, etc. Sex releases dopamine - in huge amounts and for a few seconds you kind of fall asleep on the dopamine high. (sort of like heroin - except that high lasts for hours).

Solid exercise routine can help a lot, as well as fasting - to help your spirit be in control of your body. But do not get discouraged. Your bishop is there to help you get through. They deal with many people and see many things. He will know how to help you."
posted at 21:20:05 on April 2, 2012 by pdvorski
Hey Gondor    
"I was surprised to see my name ^_^ but I'm glad I somewhat helped you. That helps me when I help others, so thank you. I'm sorry that you can't go on your mission yet. That's probably not only hard for you because you have your own personal expectations, but your family has the second type if weight in you. Why aren't you going on a mission? Is it because your unworthy or unwilling? Those type of questions that family and friends probably ask or you know they're asking around you. My advice is to forget what the others say and worry about You. They will be fine. My mom just asked me a few days ago if I want to go on a mission, and she made it clear that she doesn't expect me to go or want me to go because I feel I have to. I know parents can be a little much sometimes, but they want what's best for you so do what You need to do.

I'm guessing it was masturbation and porn that destroyed tour life correct? I started out with masturbation and once I found out it was against the law of chastity I freaked out. I lived in constant fear of being excommunicated or punished so I never went to a temple trips and avoided church. That was a bad way to go, you should always go to church its so good for you. I discovered masturbation was bad through the internet, not exactly the best place to explore that subject. So eventually I got into porn. That was like falling off a cliff with my morality. It is really a terrible place to go, there is really nothing like it. Its disguised so well to seem harmless yet it destroys you from the inside, changes your mind.

I have to disagree with you on the ignorance part, if I read that right. I wish I did know more about masturbation and its affect on us. I wish I hadn't learned it was a sin not from the internet, but from my parents or church leaders. I dont blame them for my falling into that issue, but I wish I at least knew so I could improve myself. I remember the fear remember had and I know each one of us have that ridiculous amount of fear at that age, and it would've helped if we had an adult to say It's ok, you can get better and its not the end of the world. Parents need to step up, but i can look back too long or else i can't see what's in front of me. Focus on your future Gondor and don't worry about the past.


I'm starting to change my thoughts and you can only do that by your actions. Which is funny because your thoughts affect your actions. Two equal partners in my opinion. Do what you have to do in order to be better prepared for your mission. I think that's my #1 issue, I dont do what I have to do to be a better Priesthood holder. In effect, my thinking hasn't changed and that has hindered my ability to change. I get what you mean about fantasizing about having a wife, it seems ok because your married (in your mind) so its not quite as lustful. But ill gige you credit on one thing: you see the love in that reality, and I think you care about having a family and doing all of that right. So, just try to stop thinking about the sex part and think about a figure family and what a blessing that could be. That can help you overcome these issues.

Not being able to get a girlfriend is a whole other issue haha. Email me MoroniDeNovo@yahoo.com and we can talk about that lol.

Good luck, God bless"
posted at 23:42:46 on April 7, 2012 by moronidenovo


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990