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Wives of Addicts please respond!
By WHATTODO
3/26/2012 2:20:38 PM
I am going to meet with my Bishop this week. It is finally time. I am scared to death, but not of my bishop. I believe he can help. I have faith the the Lord will forgive me. What I am lacking is the faith that my wife will forgive me. How could she ever ever ever trust me again? How will she ever be able to continue loving me after violating her trust? How can we ever be intimate together again, when I know that my problems will be all she is thinking about? We've gone through a big career change lately that will likely take us to another state, away from her family. I am scared she won't want to come with me any more! I can't lose her! I love her dearly. I feel so horrible for having done this to her and myself.

Please read my confessions post, so you know where I am coming from. Any responses from spouses of addicts would be most appreciated!!!!!!

Comments:

Forgiveness    
"To forgive is a sacred event. I believe that on the list of spiritual experiences of our mortal life, it is one of the MOST sacred. How does it it happen? How long does it take? How can she ever trust again? Having walked that road myself I can't even tell you exactly...it is by the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that literally heals every wound, but in our own individual time. She will come to know her God in incredible ways as she moves through the process.

I am not going to try and scare you with how hard it is going to be. I think you may have a sense of that already. And there are no promises that your relationship will survive. That is up to the two of you. But this is what I know, pornography, and adultery and sexual addiction are not strong enough to break a celestial marriage. These are tools of Satan and his power can never overcome God's power. You and your wife will have to choose who's power you will believe in and use. You have been playing in Satan's playground for a long time and you know it now. But God can heal what you have done to yourself and to your wife and your children. Don't be afraid. Be repentant. There is never fear in true, sincere repentance. There is sorrow. There is hope. There is grief. There is pain. There is joy. There is acceptance. There is endless patience. But we have to let fear go.

I wish I could say I was peaceful when I found out about my husband's indiscretions. I wasn't. I processed through years and years of anger and pain and grief and codependency. I went through 12 years of horror. It hasn't been since this past year that I have found the beginnings of recovery. I should also add that after discovery, my husband continued in his sexual addictions, which ranged from pornography to strip clubs and eventually emotional and physical relationships with other women. He started on the road of recovery just slightly before I did. Infact, his willingness to go to ARP meetings started his recovery and that eventually led to me finding meetings and getting on the road as well. During the past year, he has had several relapses and I can't say he is done relapsing, but we have tools and are working and I believe our marriage can last and heal and be better than it ever was. I do believe this process would have been much, much less painful if he had started a road of true recovery after d-day instead of returning over and over again to his Other Masters. This is my warning and my advice to you...be careful because relapses after the first disclosure were more painful (for me at least) than my initial discovery.

I am glad you are meeting with your bishop. I hope you do not wait much longer to tell your wife. This are big steps.

If she doesn't move with you, then accept it. She may need that time. Give it to her as a willing gift from your heart. Whatever she needs. She may not want to be intimate with you. Respect her boundaries no matter what without any form of pressure or expectation. She may say horrible things...don't be triggered by them. Let her grieve. Offer love and support no matter what. Make new relationship rules and stick to them especially when it is hardest.

You have both been living a lie. You may find that you tell yourself other lies along the way as part of the process before the truth starts breaking through. Lies I told myself after disclosure were things like "This is my fault." "If only I was more beautiful, immodest, etc" "He can stop if he just chose to." "God must not love me, if he let me marry someone like him." The list goes on and on. My husband told himself lies as we started recovery too. He thought things like, "I need to fix her pain." "It has been long enough. She needs to just let it go." "It'd been better if she never found out." Just keep trying to stay close to the Spirit and all these things will work themselves out in the end. But it is a journey and it will have it's ups and downs.

Good luck. Sending your family a prayer."
posted at 16:19:40 on March 26, 2012 by maddy
I am not a wife, but I'd like to comment anyway...ignore if you wish    
"You are terrified of losing your wife, and rightly so.

Just remember, you already lost her. You lost her through your earlier actions. The steps you are taking now are the only way to receive her unto yourself again.

So, you are already spiritually separated. You can't lose her any more than you already have. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Keep going, my friend!

Most importantly, once you tell her, resolve to be 100% honest with her from that moment forward. Whether you ever relapse again or not, be honest. Dishonesty after "coming clean" will make all your progress appear to be a sham, and it can undermine everything you are trying to accomplish. But honesty, even when you slip, can reveal that you are still trying.

I will pray for you and your wife!"
posted at 16:44:01 on March 26, 2012 by beclean
Agreed    
"with what has been said above . . . Maddy always has such great things to say. I also wasn't the most peaceful when finding out about my husband's addiction and actions. Even still when I am feeling uneasy about something, we both can realize that he knew all along about his behavior, and had lots of time to process it. I was taking years of betrayal all at once and having to process it. Be there for her however she needs you to be. Let her grieve. Don't allow your feelings of guilt to push you away from her.

I would also warn you that you are about to make some big steps towards recovery and for my husband, that was a time when Satan really came after him with everything he had. Not just in regards to his addiction, but in regards to my husband thinking it was too hard and he had done too much to hurt me and that our marriage could never be repaired. He was in despair. He was being influenced by the guilt and realization of everything he had done. Your Bishop may have some good advice in dealing with that.

Good luck with everything. You are making good steps. Don't give up if it gets harder. My recovery has been going for almost 6 months now, and things are definitely improving daily. Each time I am able to approach my husband and talk to him about my fears and insecurities and each time he is able to approach me and talk to me about his feelings or struggles (which are things we have agreed to talk about) we build a new layer of truth to cover up the old pattern of lying and deceit."
posted at 20:55:07 on March 26, 2012 by crushedwife
Agreed, Agreed, Agreed    
"Please don't let your fear of her reaction stop your from telling her. To say I wasn't peaceful when I the Hubster told me is an understatement! While I didn't know about his addiction and deceit for a decade, something was always wrong. I just never knew what and couldn't have imagined anything so awful. Through all the grief and despair and shock and trauma, it was also a relief to find out. Now I could identify what was missing and what was wrong all those years. Do not let Satan tell you it will be better if she doesn't know. That was a lie that Satan used to trap my Hubster. He told himself that he couldn't tell me for my sake, because it would hurt me too much. But really it was for him. Like everyone said above, just be there for her for whatever she needs and let her grieve."
posted at 07:26:05 on March 27, 2012 by katie
Beclean    
"I really appreciate BeClean's comment about loosing your wife. You did already loose her. This is your chance to get her back. That is so, so true. It puts everything in the right perspective. And Crushedwife is right about Satan working harder after you start. We experienced the same thing."
posted at 12:10:25 on March 29, 2012 by maddy
Thank you for your comments    
"Please pray for me! I meet with my bishop in an hour. I will probably tell my wife tonight or tomorrow. God help me!"
posted at 17:54:00 on March 29, 2012 by WHATTODO
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:22 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:24 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:25 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:26 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:27 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:27 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:28 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:29 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:30 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:31 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:33 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:34 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:36 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:37 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:38 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Heavy lonely heart    
"My husband is a medical professional and a drug addict. I'm in my fifties, we've been married over 30 years. We were married in the temple and have many children. I sent my husband to rehab 18 years ago unfortunately he still continues to take. He goes to weekly meetings but I think he does only to make me think he is doing good. Lies and deceit are always the symptoms of the condition. I now have a chronic illness and feel so sick. I want to go to church and tell others my story of sorrow and pain. I would love to have loving arms put around me in support. I believe that if I do speak out, it will be received with judgement, gossip and criticism. I feel my husbands profession will suffer which will intern hurt myself. I feel like my only good choice is to suffer in silence. I wish my story was like others who choose to live the gospel and claim all the blessings they receive."
posted at 16:30:38 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Alanon    
"Have you tried Alanon? This program is for wives/husbands/loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a wonderful fellowship of women and men who are in your same shoes, and they can offer you the love and support you are desperately needing. Please give a few meetings a try. Listen during the meeting for someone who shares your story; then introduce yourself to that person after the meeting and ask for their phone number. It is the most awkward and uncomfortable thing you can imagine doing but that person you ask is expecting to give you her number, because someone did that for her when she first came into the program. You don't have to do this alone!"
posted at 19:00:19 on October 4, 2012 by Anonymous
Wife who just found out    
"I am a wife who just found out about my husbands MB & Porn addictions. It is awful. I am really struggling to hold it together all the time for my kids, calling, school commitments, job, the list can go on and on.
I am considering asking to be released, since I don't want to leave my kids alone with him ever. His angry outbursts when I am not home are hurting my kids emotionally. They are elementary aged girls and do not understand!! I don't know how to explain to them their dad is being a jerk because he isn't looking at crap on the computer, because I called him out on it. He conveniently said he was already going to stop looking that day. Load of crap in my mind.
We went through the temple two years after we were married. I came from an inactive background and didn't realize the temple covenants, until years later as I was really active and started to 'get' everything. Now I am looking back in shock. How much of my married life has he been doing this. Don't the covenants he made before his mission mean anything?!? I know he had sexual relations before we were married, found out after when I had decided I wanted to take out my own endowments. Bishop made him tell me, I should have asked details; but didn't. I accepted he was truly repenting assumed that's all it was - a teenager type thing. Now looking back, he was disfellowshipped, which means it was after he went to the temple. He probably also was looking at porn then too. How many partners has he had.?!?
He changes any story to suite his needs and to make himself look wonderful; I just don't know. Honesty is my biggest strength. I value honesty above all else and now I am finding out my husband is the biggest liar I have ever met! I was innocent/dumb/gullible to not see any of it this whole time. I knew something was off. I knew the computer history was ALWAYS cleared. I knew he had bursts of anger. When our oldest was born and he irrupted at an 18 month old, I knew I had to protect her. We moved closer to family. I assumed his current job was too stressful and thought new employment near family would help. It didn't. Now 16 years into my marriage I don’t know what to do. He hasn’t went to the Bishop. I truly think that he will not. He thinks he has handled it on his own and is done. We missed the temple dedication with my oldest, since I didn’t want to leave my youngest home alone with him. He has said little things to them, like your mom wants to get rid of me so we won’t be a family anymore. This was BEFORE I found out about his addiction. He has no self esteem and is paranoid, but yet so confident and arrogant in other ways. I am at a loss of what to do. I ordered some books and want to read them, but have to do it when I am alone and that is never.
Tell your wife everything and let the chips fall where they fall.
If I truly felt my husband was repentant and he truly changed, I would be able to forgive him. So far I don't see that though."
posted at 11:56:31 on October 5, 2012 by Anonymous
I realized my husband was human    
""The truth will set you free. But first it will make you miserable." James A. Garfield

When I found out, I was so angry. I wanted to leave my husband immediately. So, I packed a couple of suitcases and told my husband he'd better come home (he was at his friend's house). When I confronted my husband, he did not admit that he'd looked up a ton of porn. (What? Like those images just magically looked themselves up on the Internet? It was just me and husband at the time in our household.)

Years later, I realized one day--I am not perfect. And my husband is also imperfect. This is when I got over it. Then I realized that I had been given a learning opportunity--I got to learn how to be more patient with my husband's imperfections. After all, I also have imperfections. And if I am to be forgiven, I needed to learn to forgive."
posted at 12:26:17 on October 5, 2012 by g1rlie
To Anon    
"Your post is so full of fear of your husband. What exactly are you afraid of? You said he has anger. You said he tells the kids things to turn them against you? I think the most important thing is that you are safe. That is why I am asking. You say you can't read your books around him. You can't leave the kids with him. What exactly would he do if you read a book? Threats? Tantrums? Or would he get violent? Or leave you?

Sexual addictions often come with anger problems. They also tend to come with the low self-esteem/arrogance dichotomy that you talked about. It doesn't mean he is a bad person or can't get better. These are common.

But you and your kids need to be safe.

Hugs and prayers to you and yours.

Maddy"
posted at 19:45:26 on October 6, 2012 by maddy
HI    
"I am the same WHATTODO that wrote this original post.

It has been nearly 7 months since telling my bishop and my wife.
Life has been excruciatingly painful over that time, but also blissfully wonderful at others.
My wife and I still have many down days, but we have had more up than down over the last couple months. We are in counseling, group therapy through Lifestar, meet with out bishop and openly communicate with each other.

I try to be completely honest with myself and my wife.
She still occassionally asks questions about my inventory, which are painful for me and for her. But I answer honestly, no matter how terrible the answer.

It hurts. But it still feels so much better than what life was. Honesty with yourself is crucial.
I loved her before, I adore her even more for having the desire to try and to stay with me as I heal. My heart aches for your story, because I know the misery and heartache all to well.

Make sure you get "He restoreth my soul" And find help! Healthy help, it cannot be done on your own!!"
posted at 15:22:53 on October 22, 2012 by WHATTODO2


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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006