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Gone but Not Forgotten
By BTTB
3/15/2012 7:19:05 AM
My addict died over 5 years ago. He was so sick and depressed and unfortunately, didn't escape the chains of his addiction while in this life. What would be our 33rd Wedding Anniversary is coming up in a few days. It's a tough day every year. It does get easier, not much, but a bit. I have learned to forgive him and myself for my side of the addiction and codependency. In my own vulnerable state of mind and mourning period, I have made some major errors and have had to go through my own steps of recovery and repentance. How grateful I am for the 12 steps, for the 6 years I went to meetings and listened, cried, laughed and learned. I have moved out of the States to a foreign country and there are no formal Recovery meetings here to attend. I miss the spirit I felt there and the strength I gained there. I do read my manuals and stay true to program as much as possible. I have a wonderful Branch President who is so supportive and kind. I meet with him every few weeks. By May, I should be able to partake of the Sacrament again and regain my Temple Recommend. How hard that has been, each week to listen to the Sacrament prayer and then realize I can't partake. I ask each day for an extra particle of His Spirit to be with me, I study scriptures and strive so very hard to have the Holy Ghost stay with me. Never again will I take the Sacrament for granted. I have also not been able to sustain the leaders during conference times. It has put daggers in my heart not to do so. It has been a long repentance process and soon I will be on the other end of it. It was so hard to go to my Bishop, but I did so because I heard in a talk "you can be miserable and uncomfortable for awhile here on earth, or you can be miserable and uncomfortable forever is you don't take care of it now" That motivated me to go through the process. I yearn for the day I can report to my Branch Pres. in my Temple Interveiw that I am worthy. Only 60 days to go! I am so grateful for this time to reflect on my addict and remember him for all the good he brought to my life, even in the times of trials and the depths of his addictions, I am grateful for the journey, for without it, I wouldn't have grown to have an appreciation of the Atonement. I am closer to my Savior now, than perhaps I would be any other way. He knows my heart, he knows my addicts heart. I won't forget him.

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson

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