Falling in love
By maddy
2/27/2012 10:15:45 PM
I never would have seen myself here one year ago. I have to look back and re-read things to really remember how intense the pain was a year ago because my heart and even my memory are changing. And when I read those words of sorrow and grief I feel compassion for who I was and where I was and pure gratitude for where I am now.

When I look into my husband's eyes now I am overwhelmed by the sense of companionship that I have with him. I feel so very connected to him and love him so much. Our relationship feels so new.

Miracles are real. I want to testify that this Gospel is true and that there is no wound that can't be healed....without scars and without blemish.

My husband's road is not easy, but he is working and progressing. I am so proud of him. My road of forgiveness has been no less bumpy but there was something that finally clicked in place for me a couple months ago and I feel so free and so at peace and so happy.

I was finally able to call my sister and started to reach out to her again. I thought that it would be painful, but it wasn't. I didn't confront any of the issues. I just talked to her. I just wanted her to know I love her. I do love her and I get to start over with her too.

But my real love story is the one with my Savior and my Father in Heaven. God is so good. I am so grateful to Him for these trials...ALL of them, that have brought me closer to Him. It doesn't matter the things that I've had to go through to get here, I call the journey that helped me feel His love blessed and beautiful. It has all been worth it to feel the way I feel now. I don't think I would have ever really understood the light and peace I feel now if I hadn't known the darkness and the storms.

The Savior rescues our souls. I believe in Him and His power and I finally feel it. I love him so much.


"Maddy- you have expressed what most of us dream to happen when this process comes full circle, when we allow our souls to be free from the burdens we face and let the Savior heal us and just love us. You will continue to be blessed for the effort and work you have put in the past year and will continue to do. Thank you for sharing your love of our Savior and the peace and healing He has brought to your life."
posted at 22:29:50 on February 27, 2012 by rachp
"I remember your pain from a year ago. You started about the same time I did. So what actions of your recovery do you think helped most to get to the point where it "all clicked'?"
posted at 06:34:27 on February 28, 2012 by Hurtallover
"WOW! You are in such a good place I am so glad. It sounds like you found peace and healing. Thank-you for all the inspirational things you have shared in your journey:) MOMOF5"
posted at 00:46:52 on February 29, 2012 by momof5
What changed?    
"I've really struggled to put in words not only what changed for me but how it changed.

The bottom line is I started feeling gratitude. I didn't know how to pin point it at first, but as I've thought about this, that was the powerful answer that came to me. Gratitude really is the mother of all virtues. It changes everything else.

So how did I start feeling grateful? Honestly, I think that Christ reached in and started working miracles and there was nothing specifically I did....but I do understand that there were choices I made that welcomed Him in and people and places and programs that helped that process critically.

I'll try and keep it short in comparison to what I could write, but here are some of those, people, places and programs:

Honestly, I had a great Bishop for the first few months of my recovery journey. My husband was serving with him in the bishopric and he knew and loved our family on a personal level. He was deeply involved and I could call him without reservation at odd times on his cell if I needed. He was amazing. When I hit rock bottom, I became very angry with him and church in general and pushed him away. He was so patient and loving and waited for my anger to subside. Those were ugly and dark months for me, but they were brutally honest. I had to scream at heaven for a while. But after the anger was out I felt the calm love of my Bishop and my God who were still waiting to talk to to me again. The day I was supposed to meet with him again after months of silence and anger, he was released. It broke my heart, but worse than that ...the one man in the ward that I feared more than any other was put in as Bishop. That wasn't easy for me. I knew this man well and I knew he wasn't someone I could trust. There is a long story there I wont go into but it played into my recovery because I had been leaning on my other Bishop I think in codependent ways. Looking back now, I can see that God prepared a way so that I was forced to lean on Him and no one else. Even by removing the priesthood leader that I trusted enough to show my anger and real pain to, God was blessing me. The new Bishop was a gift because instead of going to him, I went straight to God. I know that isn't a great thing to post here. Please who ever is reading this, understand that this is MY story and no one elses. I don't want anyone to use my words as an excuse not to go to their Bishop and I didn't know that was happening at the time...I tried to talk to the new Bishop from time to time, but he didn't/couldn't help and I needed to learn that. That was part of MY story and MY addictive nature. It wasn't until hindsite that I have begun to see the results of these events. So to be honest, a big step for me was loosing a Bishop I loved. It changed me.

The next was having a horrible therapist. (This is probably not what you expected so far is it?) Again, I'll leave out the details, but I had a therapist that at first I thought was good because she would push you to dig deeper but it turns out she just liked creating more drama. At the point that she told my husband and I it was time to separate she really got the fight out in me. I had felt that I wanted to leave my husband my whole marriage long, but having someone else, a therapist, tell me that, made me really question why I wanted out. The answer wasn't because my husband was a sex addict. I wanted out because of me. Because of my issues, not his. There is really too much there to type about and probably just too personal, but I think that was when the film started to come off my eyes about my real pain. It had nothing to do with my husband. It was all me.

So then I started working on me and only me. I pulled away from my husband at that point in good ways and some bad. I started detaching and reaching out for my answers and stopped worrying about his addictions.

Then the next thing that happened was I found a really great therapist. I'll give his name, Dr Paul Jenkins. He was a real wake up call. I wanted someone for just me and not for my marriage and he worked with me exactly on that level. He taught me a lot about accountability. He started teaching me about a new way to see myself and the world. I only met with him 6 times (via Skype because we don't live in the same area) , but in that short amount of time he gave me tools that I worked and worked and worked on.

During all this time, I had started going to ARP meetings. These meetings had a large impact on me. While I was there, I was able to relate and share and had people relate to me. I started to feel a sense of 'home' when I was there. That feeling began to grow into a feeling of acceptance of myself as I was and my life as it was and eventually I started feeling at home within my own mind. I never felt 'safe' at church before, I started to then. I began to feel like if I was comfortable in my own skin then I could be comfortable anywhere. I love those meetings. The 12 Steps and the ARP meetings were amazing.

I believe that all the steps preceding this were huge, but in combination is when the positive results started showing up. It clicked. I felt at peace with myself and started pulling my husband back into my life. Things were so much better then. I was so grateful that he had waited for me to start figuring things out. He had given me that space I needed and though things weren't perfect, we started moving forward in a totally different attitude.

I still work on me. My relationship with God is only between me and God. I found myself alone with Him during this journey and realized that nothing else matters....not my husband's addictions or anything else that happens in this life. It is just between Him and me.

This is hardly an inclusive list of events, and some of them were 'trials' and some of them were 'blessings' but they combined to push me forward. They allowed me to face fears and I can say that today I am happier than I ever have been.

I chose my life. And more importantly I Choose my life. This is my gift and it is beautiful. Like loosing the bishop I loved helped me find God a little better, having a husband with an sexual addiction has done the same. It allowed me to see the ugly things in side of me like nothing else could have. I believe I am blessed. I believe this is exactly as it should be and I am grateful to walk to path God picked for me. My life is perfect for me."
posted at 11:12:06 on March 6, 2012 by maddy
Sounds like ARP meeting was the critical factor    
"Would you eventually have reached the same level of recovery without ARP or would it have taken forever?"
posted at 14:02:46 on March 6, 2012 by Anonymous
"I feel a little uncomfortable as I am re-reading what I've written and want to clarify something. I don't want to make it sound like I have 'arrived' somewhere. I feel like I decided to step onto the train...not that I am at some final destination. Or perhaps I just got a testimony of something that I was lacking before and now I get to use that new testimony. I just wanted to share that I feel so much better than I did before. I feel like I am recovering....not that I am recovered.

I actually don't think ARP was THE factor that changed things. I don't think there was one 'thing'. I had been doing ARP for a while but things built slowly step by step for me and they continue to do so, but I don't know if I can categorize or create a hierarchy of importance. There were amazing steps that got me ready to go to ARP. ARP got me ready to be able to listen to somethings I wouldn't otherwise have heard. On the other hand, it didn't provide all the missing pieces. Then again, once I learned a new tool, when I took it back to ARP then that got added on again....there was an upward spiral. There are also a million things I haven't mentioned: a sister that I finally told the truth to and the unconditional support she gave not only me but my husband, or a friend/sponsor that called me when I wouldn't call her, a dream that changed my life in ways too sacred to describe....all of these and so much more.

I am sorry that I don't know how to answer your question. What-if's are too speculative and I don't know what use it would be to kick that can around. All I know is it did help and was Heaven sent. It works for me and is one of my puzzle pieces that have helped me discover a sense of worth in myself, my husband and especially the value and reality of the Atonement. If I lived in an area with no ARP I still believe God would have provided steps that would have helped me. But God knew what I needed and so only He knows the all the possibilities. I hope that is a good enough answer. Sorry I don't have more insight there."
posted at 18:22:57 on March 6, 2012 by maddy
"By the way, what I wrote wasn't chronological. I know I made it sound that way, but I'd been going to ARP long before I went to either therapist, or the change in Bishops."
posted at 18:38:34 on March 6, 2012 by maddy
"Can you tell I am feeling nostalgic with all this necroposts? I am just re-reading a lot of old posts. It seems there are many crossroads and awakenings. This was one of them. A couple years later and still feel in love."
posted at 22:20:44 on August 31, 2014 by maddy
thanks for sharin    
Thnansk for sharing your journey experience. I am hoping that I will experience the same soon"
posted at 14:02:01 on September 1, 2014 by sjanderson
"Thanks for a dose of hope, Maddy :-)"
posted at 06:12:29 on September 6, 2014 by Anonymous

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004