By ether 12:27
2/25/2012 4:20:55 PM
I told my wife of my addiction 10 days ago and have met with the bishop and am scheduled to meet with the Stake President. My wife is praying to see if she should stay with me. We are both depressed and I know it is effecting our kids. I have so much pain that I don't want to eat or do anything. I am so sad about what I have done and how I have drug such a sweet person like my wife into this. I have been clean for 17 days, and am doing everything I can to start living a Christ like life and focusing my will on that of my Heavenly Fathers. With that said I am in so much pain. The other problem right now is that I am smothering my wife. I know that she probably needs space but I am so sad because of what I have done that I just want to be around her, any advise from individuals who there spouse has cheated on them would be great.


"Welcome, Ether, I notice that you are new. Congratulations on 17 days, and congratulations on your new life of honesty with yourself, God, the Bishop, and especially your wife. This is a tough road...but it is the only road.

If you are here just to share your own feelings and thoughts, please do.

But if you are also truly looking for help and advice from people on this site, it would help to share more of your history.
What exactly is your addiction?
What do you mean when you say you "cheated" on your wife?
How long have you had the addiction?
How long have you been married?
Have you been attending meetings and working the 12 steps?
Is your wife aware of 12-step meetings for spouses? She has a long road ahead of her.

To borrow from Tolstoy, All addictions are similar in exactly the same ways (so we all understand where you are coming from, and we want to help). But all addictions are different in their own unique ways, too. What other information could you share that would help us to understand you better before we start to give advise?"
posted at 16:35:08 on February 25, 2012 by beclean
Trust the Lord    
"And let go. That is the most important thing you can do.

Ask your wife what she needs right now. Does she want you near her or does she want you to give her space? Although it is your job to help her through this, you must help her in the ways she needs. If she needs space, give her all she needs.

She will need to be in recovery as well whether she stays in the marriage or not. This will not make sense to her at first. What is happening does not make sense. This is part of how she feels; Her dreams have been shattered , she suddenly feels like she has a secret she has to keep, she suddenly feels like she is different from other women around her, she feels used, ugly, and can't understand why, why , why?, She wonders what other secrets you are keeping and asks who you are, as she is suddenly faced with a new normal that she has yet to digest. The LDS Temple marriage she dreamed of with a worthy Priesthood holder is suddenly a lie in her eyes. She feels like you shot her in the heart. It does not matter if these feelings are based in fact or not, the feelings she is experiencing are very real to her and the pain is searing.

You do need to focus ahead, but you cannot fake happiness. This takes time, a lot of time. It is going to be a long time before he is okay. I was told that everything was okay and that my husband repented, and all is well... Now hurry up and feel better about it. Sorry, it does not work that way. Everything was anything buy okay, but this was at a time when nothing was understood about this addiction.

The answers to this, and the pain it has caused cannot be healed quickly ( oh how I wish). Remember that although your leaders have the mantel, they are not recovering addicts nor are they trained therapists who specialize in sex addiction. Look to your leaders with faith as they are your judge in Israel and they can guide you as such. You need help and support from people in SAA or in the LDS 12 step program. You may even need help by a trained specialist.

As the wife of a recovering addict, I cannot tell you how important that you let your wife talk to whomever she needs to about what has happened to her. Please do not encourage her to keep a secret. Secrets make you sick, and secrets are what started this whole thing anyway. Let her grieve. This is the death of her dreams. If she will let you, hold her and tell her how sorry you are. If not, show her by your actions by attending meetings and seeking help. DON'T EVER talk with her about how had this is on you. Only share the sorrow you have for hurting her. Do not expect her to help you heal from you addiction, it puts to much pressure on an already wounded wife. Give her time, and give her space. Pray for her and your children all day and keep their names in as many Temple prayer rolls as possible.

I know this all sounds so hard and I am sorry for her pain and yours. This is a very hard time. Everyone is severely raw and wounded, but there will come a day when you will both be better for this. If you do all that you can to get the help you need, you will overcome your addiction and go on to help others. I would bet that in one form or another, your wife has had to face this in her life as a recurring theme. It is often like that. I pray that she will seek help. If she does, in time she will come to understand how this whole mess fits into her life perfectly, and how she can move forward one day and bless the lives of her children, and many others who must endure this trial.

You are not a bad person and I would plead with you to leave the guilt in the Savior's trusting hands. You did something very wrong, but at one time or another, we all do something wrong and must access His amazing atonement in order to understand who He is and what it is that he did for each of us.

I have more trust and respect for my husband now than I did in over 20 years of marriage. How is that possible when he spent many of those years lost in the fantasy of porn and bonding with the unreal, that I can now have respect for him? Because through recovery and the gift of the Atonement, he has changed and become the Priesthood holder of God and husband I always dreamed he could be. He no longer is just a member of the church, he is a follower of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and that is far better than what I first thought I was buying into when we married because it is real.

I too am in recovery from being a control freak. I am in a 12 step program and I am grateful for the healing I too am receiving from a loving God. Faith is my key as I have more to overcome than just my husband. I also have 2 children with addictions and it is a long road for our family. But I know in whom I trust and it is not a man, woman, or child. It is the Lord who understands all pain and suffering and He is the one who lifts me every day, and He will lift you and your family as well.

I pray for healing in your family as you reach higher towards the Lord."
posted at 07:26:16 on February 26, 2012 by angelmom
when we are scared, we have to walk by faith    
"Thats all the advice I have. The difference now is that when you are scared, you cant act out, you have to deal with it..

Did you ever find a sponsor? I would be willing to talk things over with you if you havent found anyone. It's good to have someone that understands."
posted at 18:52:07 on February 26, 2012 by Hurtallover
"Thanks for the comments they are great. If you want to know my story I originally logged in and told my story as ready2stop, but I didn't like that username because it suggested that I am always ready but never willing. Ether 12:27 is one of my favorite scriptures, so hence the new username. I still do not have a sponsor and it would be nice to speak with someone who has gone through similar experiences. There is supposed to be a 12 step program starting in my area in mid march."
posted at 21:28:12 on February 26, 2012 by Ether 12:27
Ether -- Im willing to talk to you.    
"I went down a similiar path and am about a year ahead of you. I found it helpful to talk to someone in similar shoes. Let me know how I can contact you and we can set some time up. I guess they need a private msg feature on ldsar..maybe post an email address until I respond and then you can take down the post. I will monitor this thread for the next few days.

posted at 08:30:40 on February 27, 2012 by Hurtallover

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006