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Gonna be meeting with my bishop and was wondering if former bishops could help...
By WHATTODO
2/21/2012 1:08:43 PM
I am going to be meeting with my bishop in about a month. (I know people on here have told me to go sooner, but that is the best I can do)
I was wondering if any former Bishops could read my story, it is posted under my blogs, and comment on what type of ride you think I am in for.

Sobriety is very important to me. Especially when it comes to telling everything to my wife, I really want there to be a meager track record of sobriety. I have been completely sober since I joined this site at the beginning of January. And before that I had 2 "slip" ups between October and the end of December. This represents the best sincere fight I have been able to muster in years, possibly ever...

I want so bad to be free of the temptation, though I think it will always be there to some degree.

I know I need to repent for me. That is the only way that I will really be able to be with my wife and kids forever. I want to feel like I really belong with my ward family again. A feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

I am terrified at what my wife will say/do/think. And yes I am concerned about what family members and people in my ward will think, but not near as much as I am worried about killing over and having these sins to answer for on the other side!

Any insight that might prepare me for whats coming would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Comments:

Not a bishop, but...    
"I just want to encourage you in this huge step. You have a date. This is wonderful. As a wife of an addict if my husband was trying everything he could to follow Christ then it would have changed everything. Don't try to carry her wounds, even if you caused them. That is the Savior's job and believe that He will do it. You are doing the right thing. Keep doing it."
posted at 13:36:13 on February 21, 2012 by maddy
Run don't walk    
"I’ve never been a bishop, but I have met with many, almost a dozen bishops and one mission pres. This is probably one of those times where anticipation is worse than realization. Please go even if you slip between now and then. It will be so much better if you confess to both of them of your own free will rather than getting caught. The Spirit has been pushing you to talk to your wife and that is the best sign that you shouldn’t put it off. I would hate for you to miss a window of opportunity and lose your marriage because you postponed hoping for some length of sobriety. You’re never going to have this behind you until you start working with your bishop and get into a recovery program. I am willing to bet a dollar against a moldy donut on that. My advice would be to see your bishop immediately and then talk to your wife very soon after, with him present. You might even mention to your bishop about your wife’s divorced friend since that is one of the fears holding you back. When the Spirit prompts you, move in it, because He knows the future.

I would really, really, really encourage you to get involved in 12 Step meetings. I read about your fears regarding the gossip mongers, but find a way around that. There are online meetings at heart-t-heart.org. There is a phone meeting run by the LDS ARP on Tuesdays at 7:00PM Mountain time: Call 1-877-453-7266 Meeting ID: 537277, they also have an email meeting that you can participate in by emailing lawrysheriff@aim.com (I am pretty sure that I have met him, really good guy with 10 or 11 years of sobriety if I remember. I guess they assign you a random email account to maintain anonymity) and there are more LDS ARP and PASG meetings starting up all the time. Find one that isn’t in your neighborhood. I love and attend the regular ARP meetings even though I don’t have issues with drugs or alcohol. You will find great love and support there. The others are great, but I think people find the most recovery attending regular, sit down, meetings.

You’ve been walking a very thin line for a long time, brother. I am afraid adultery is in your future if you don’t hurry. On the bright side most LDS wives stay in the long run, particularly if they see their husband really working at it. And most wives say the biggest thing they need is honesty.

Love,
John"
posted at 17:36:08 on February 21, 2012 by justjohn
You're on the right track    
"I know it's nerve racking to feel like you need to confess, but you're too scared to just do it. I can only imagine that having your wife makes it even worse.

I can tell you that I've learned that the sooner I tell my Bishop that I'm having problems, the sooner I can find recovery. Just as an analogy, imagine you cut your hand badly while you were gutting a fish. Now your cut is infected, turning green, and the infection is moving up your arm. And yet, you still wanna wait another month before you go to the doctor to find out what can be done about it. You don't wanna go to the doctor because you're terrified that he'll cut the bad spot out, or even worse, amputate your whole arm. Now setting a date to go to the doctor is wonderful, but it's not going to give you the relief you could experience right now if you just got it over with.

No matter what the bishop may or may not do to you, the sooner you get this taken care of, the sooner you can start healing. You're in pain. The pain will probably get worse after you see the bishop, but it definitely cannot start getting better until you do.

I can honestly say that I feel your pain. I've participated in many of the activities you have. I was not excommunicated, but I had to wait a year before I went back to the temple. I'm glad I took care of my issues when I did because now I can enjoy the serenity that comes from the atonement of Christ. Please don't put off the repentance process. You deserve to find peace."
posted at 18:55:19 on February 21, 2012 by ETTE
Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance....    
"Repentance is the harder road at first, but the long term benefits outweigh the short term hurt and fear.

I served as a Bishop for 5 years, and was just recently released.

I am also a recovering addict of more than 35 years.

Your Bishop will love you and help you through all of this. You need to start attending PASG or ARP meetings in your area as soon as possible, and then meet with the Bishop weekly for accountability and so that he can track your progress. P0rn and MB alone are not enough to initiate formal church discipline. The new handbook of instructions for Bishops and SP counsels them to treat it as an addiction. Your other behaviors such as the escorts and the massage parlors may be handled differently. Trust your Bishop to know how to help you.

Your wife will need to know. You need to know that your confession / repentance will trigger the need for two more recoveries separate from your own. Your wife will also need some emotional support in the form of counseling and 12 step support groups. I would not tell her alone. I would do it in the presence of your Bishop only after a FULL confession to him. Chances are your Bishop has had experience already helping a couple with this problem. Don't be surprised if your wife isn't ready to heal from this revelation at a rate that you need or expect her to. Give her time and space and know that the Atonement is designed to help heal us from even the worst kind of hurt, and to a faithful spouse, there is no hurt worse than this. She will not understand your addiction with some education. Don't force her, but let her know that you are doing everything you need to "recover". She will have to work on her own recovery. Do not expect her to be the "porn police" or your accountability partner. She will need to emotionally distance herself from you for a time and set some boundaries for you. Don't be discouraged. Read "Out of The Shadows" by Patrick Carnes and "He Restoreth My Soul" by Donald Hilton. Encourage her to read also if she feels inclined. A great book for spouses is "Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief". by Jeppson.

Your wife will need her own recovery process, and so will your relationship.

Get into a group ASAP and start working the steps. There is not a better feeling in this life to look your wife in the eye, or kneel before your maker and let them both know that you are more clean and more worthy than you have been your entire life. That is the stuff Celestial marriages are made of. Don't let Satan convince you that you are worthless, or that your marriage cannot be saved.

After 847 days of sobriety, my life is great, and my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We were married almost 25 years when I confessed. The road back has not been easy, but I would not trade the pain of the last two years for any kind of "quick fix". Anything worth having (celestial marriage) is worth working for and not giving up.

Good luck my brother..."
posted at 20:49:32 on February 21, 2012 by chefdalet


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006