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Day 22
By anon16
2/16/2012 6:48:27 PM
I am on day 22. I took the sacrament for the first time in 4 months last Sunday. So far I haven't lost it again. I'm nervous though that I will lose it again. It really scares me. I'm a lot more conscious of it, in my behavior. I tried making it personal, but didn't do as well as I'd like. I was singing with the young women so I took it in front of everyone, which always makes me nervous.



I am scared that I'm going to mess up again. At that point, if I'm still at home, it will be very difficult to tell my bishop. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to meet with him, and it scares me that once that support is gone I will just go back to where I was, only it would be a lot worse because I would know a lot more.

Whenever things get stressful, I tend to read porn. Not mb, just porn. While it is mostly fiction, it is suggestive fiction and that is porn for me. And I've been indulging in that this week. Gotten better at skipping bad parts, but I go back to the Mormon Ad with the sundae and the roach.

But it gets me going in that direction, and I realize that I've just taken the first step. I hate that. I am concerned that when I get to college I will have issues. I'm debating if even if I don't have any issues between now and when I leave if I need to tell my bishop back there.

I noticed a lot more though how rotten it made me feel.

So far I have never gotten past 30 days. I wonder if I should ask for another meeting next week, or let him decide that. I'm just nervous I'm going to never get past that 30 days.
Thanks for letting me get this out

Comments:

miracle    
"Your heart is so different than when you first came here. You are making huge strides! Just keep trusting in the Lord. Don't trust your own ability to stay strong
You can't overcome or stay clean ... not alone, that is. But Christ is real, and he can save you, even if you slip again. So, fear not, trust God, serve him. He loves you and is proud of your progress, and he will love you no matter what happens. You have really shown much spiritual growth! Have faith! You are truly a daughter of God! He will not leave you alone, even though he will let you face temptation again. Stay close to him, even if you feel yourself slipping. You are walking on water right now, performing the same miracle Peter did when he first gained a weak faith in Christ. If the storm gets scary for you and you start to sink, like Peter, reach out and cry, "Lord, save me! " and He will!! Don't be afraid, only believe you can't do it ...without him, so stay as close to him as possible in thought and act ...always!"
posted at 07:41:00 on February 17, 2012 by beclean
great    
"hello my friend,

that's great keep in mind that the lord is take care of you,
work on your step, and don't try to control your addiction but just let the power of good make your clean because he can.
one step a a time and you will be fine.

May God bless you"
posted at 09:57:02 on February 17, 2012 by mike81
try this..    
"Dont focus on not doing bad things.. focus and track doing good things. I found this on the internet:

"As you might be starting to realize, when your focus of recovery is planted firmly in the stopping of the behavior, you are setting yourself up for relapse. Should you pursue a policy of absolute abstinence of all destructive compulsive behavior? Absolutely. Especially in early recovery, when the foundation for your life management skills are being developed. But abstinence should only be a single part of a 'healthy, well-balanced breakfast'. By focusing solely on abstaining from the behavior, we create a pressure that is similar to trying not to blink. A human can realistically keep their eyes open (without blinking) for about a minute. Try it. Try not to blink for one minute. Physically, you certainly are cable of not blinking for 60 seconds. Just like physically, you are certainly capable of not masturbating. Or not having affairs. Or not viewing porn. As you continue not to blink, feel the pressure of your wanting to blink. Feel it build with each passing second. Feel it go from wanting to blink, to needing to blink. Notice that the more you focus your efforts on not blinking, the more focused you become on the absolute need to blink. Sexual behaviors are not entirely different. Once you begin to focus on not masturbating (or some other sexually compulsive behavior), you create a pressure that will eventually lead to your 'need' to engage in that behavior (or some similar behavior that will provide immediate emotional relief)."


another way to put it is "dont lock horns with the devil" read this article.. http://archcounseling.com/articles/dontlockhorns.html "
posted at 10:43:30 on February 17, 2012 by Hurtallover
Focus    
"Stop focusing on being scared and trying not to be an addict. It consumes every waking thought. Focus on being a good person and feeling to close to God. It will make a big difference"
posted at 11:53:47 on February 17, 2012 by Anonymous
Fear is your enemy    
"Dear Sweet 16,

YOUR ARE DOING GREAT...KEEP GOING!

I have learned the hard way that fear always leads me back to where I don't want to be. It is 100% true that you cannot have fear and faith at the same time. You need to give the "what ifs" back to the Lord and continue to thank him while you are in the middle of the struggle.

Remember that you have no control without the Lord and your support people. Let your Father in Heaven continue to take the wheel and he will gently guide you to the spiritual place you really desire.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT, NOT WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Satan gets us with that one. If you can dream it, you can achieve it (Walt Disney). Anything is possible. You are proving that to yourself for 22 days now. Say no to your fears and you can have what you want, which is sobriety, peace, and happiness. You do not have to believe the lies when you are sorrounded by the truth.

Lastly, the moment you feel temptation creep in (and it will) , find someone to serve. Even if it is 3 o clock in the morning, write a letter to a missionary or an elderly person. It does not matter what it is, just do something for someone else. Satan's plan of addiction keeps you in yourself. God's plan is to have you serving His children. Remember that when you are in service of your fellow being, you are only in the service of your God.

You have got this one. You have the Savior and when you have him in your heart, there is nothing to fear...

You are doing awesome!
Angel"
posted at 17:30:33 on February 17, 2012 by angelmom


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988