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First time here and need HELP
By ready2stop
2/13/2012 7:02:17 PM
I just stumbled across this site today and am extremely grateful to have found it. My story like many is one of sadness. I first viewed pornography as a child. I was around 11 or 12 and have struggled over the past 30 years. I served a mission and had one slip up while out, I confessed to my mission president and went on serving faithfully. When I got home after a couple of months I again viewed pornographic magazines. Soon magazines were not enough so I started looking in other places for my next thrill. I found these private nude one on one dancing clubs, which was perfect because I didn’t want to take a chance of being seen by anyone. Most of the time I would go in and end up leaving before anything happened, but eventually I gave in and went and got naked while the girl got naked and I masturbated. I was so ashamed after that experience, but I went to a few strip clubs and had some lap dances. I then confessed and stopped for the a time. During this time I started dating my wife who I ended up marrying worthily in the Temple. I was so grateful to be married and thought that I would never have a problem again now that I could have sex and see my wife nude. Boy was I mistaken, after we had been married for about 1 to 2 years the internet became available in homes and it was so easy to see porn. I became so addicted that I was viewing and masturbating daily. Over the years it grew to going to strip clubs again, then progressing to escorts that I would visit that would get naked for me. Over the next 10 years I told my wife twice some of what was going on. My addiction broke her heart and it has taken years for her to love me again. What she doesn’t know is that after 4 years of being clean I have started all over again. During the last two years I have again started viewing porn, all though not often. What I have been doing the most is going to escorts for a nude massage. It has evolved to the point where there is mutual touching and kissing the breasts. I have never had intercourse with another women but I know that I am getting close. I have thought often about repenting again but the thought of what it would do to my wife and children (ages 15 to 3) have stopped me. Thinking about going through all the difficulties of repentance and putting my wife through hell and then falling again has stopped me. I have been in a bishopric and feel that I will be excommunicated and don’t want that shame for my children. I have been telling myself that I would wait until my children were gone and then confess. Last night after talking to my wife about troubles with one of my kids and a lesson in church yesterday on being able to recognize and have the spirit. I feel like I need to repent but don’t know how and am afraid of what this might do to my wife and children. Looking for help.

Comments:

You've taken the first step!    
"Well friend, the Spirit is telling you it is time to stop. I would suggest if you aren't in a 12-step program, find out where one is and start going through that program. It sounds like your heart has been softened and perhaps you are more receptive to quitting this time. I think working the 12 step program would help get you going in the right direction. I also suggest you start going to counseling for addiction. There's some great therapists out there. There's also some LDS counselors available online. You can find information about them by googling them. One of them runs an ad on this site. It's called Waterfall Concepts or something like that. I pray that you will be able to reach out to those who can help you find the strength that lies within you to do all the things you need to do. Most of all, pray, pray and pray. You need the Savior's love more than ever right now. Best to you."
posted at 20:23:11 on February 13, 2012 by Anonymous
I feel a lot of compassion towards you and your wife    
"Im sure you both hurt in your own ways. Horrible way to live. The worst part of addiction is that it leaves us unable to have joy and enjoy life.

I hope you can find your way. the alternative is that you will go go off the edge and never find your way home. I agree with anonymous -- some program plus some counseling will go along ways to helping you. It helped me enormously.

The one thing I know is that no matter how hard you try, none of us can fix this on our own. Its impossible -- sure you can quit for a while but thats not solving the problem.

I want to tell you that once you start getting some real recovery under your belt, your life will be clearer, your anxiety reduced, your spirituality increased. It's worth working on but its a HARD HARD road.

stay on this site and keep in touch. may you find serenity that you are seeeking."
posted at 20:58:59 on February 13, 2012 by Hurtallover
The thought of not repenting?    
"Are you kidding me? The thought of not repenting because you do not want to hurt your wife? What about the thought of hurting her by doing what you are doing?

This is typical adversary thinking. I shouldn't repent because it will hurt my family and make me look bad in front of people. Also just because you have not gone all the way with these women who you really have gone all the way with, you are still breaking the covenant you made over sacred alters with your wife. Wow brother, has the devil ever got your mind twisted. Your blog today perfectly illustrates the point that porn brain damages the person who is viewing it.

I am sure what I am saying hurts your feelings, but I have got to call you out big time on this. Please brother I would implore you to run not walk to a 12 step, a counselor, and your Bishop ASAP before you do even more damage to yourself, your wife, and your kids. You may think what you are doing in secret, but it is not secret at all. You are playing a very dangerous game with your eternal salvation as you are already breaking the tender hearts of your wife and kids. They are being played as fools as you walk with the devil and put on the face of the Priesthood of God in front of all who see.

You can heal, you can recover forever and truly live the way God has planned for you. Your family can heal. But I am warning you, you will soon see the results of your acts of darkness begin to show up in the life of your teen. You invited evil into your home, now please repent and invite the evil spirits that come with your secret acts to leave. Your children and wife are surrounded by that darkness because of what you are doing. I cannot sugar coat this or spin it any other way. it is what it is and you need help now.

Make the decision today to do what is right. It will be hard but it will be worth it. You are an addict and you need help, please get help."
posted at 07:21:40 on February 14, 2012 by Anonymous
aspar    
"This site has helped me more than I can say. The quotes are amazing! They are like extensions from the Lord himself. Take this one for example.

"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. "
— Neal A. MaxwellGeneral Conference May 1987

The reminder of the 12 steps to sanity are all I need sometimes to break out of the spiral downward. They are worth taking! Sanity and sobriety are worth the pains of repentance as difficult as they are to endure. I have been there. I have fought that battle many times, and giving into God's ways is always worth it!!!! Send me an email through this website. We can talk about other resources available to help you as they have helped me."
posted at 08:34:28 on February 14, 2012 by aspar
started the process    
"Thanks for your comments, I spoke to my wife last night and told her everything. Of course she is devastated but told me she loves me and wants to help me. I contacted my Bishop and will be meeting with him today."
posted at 09:44:36 on February 14, 2012 by ready2stop
Way to go!    
"I am so happy for you Read. Your steps prove that you are READY2STOP. I know it must have been terribly hard for you adn for your sweet wife. There is also a recovery program for her, and I would encourage you to help get her involved in that program. And pray together. Pray, pray, pray. Be sure and hug your wife and reassure her that this has nothing to do with her that it is your weakness and that it is something you have to overcome. You have taken such an important first step. Thank God for the strength He gave you to do that, and ask for His continue strength to resist the temptations going forward. And do all that you can to stay close to the Savior."
posted at 10:27:54 on February 14, 2012 by Anonymous
The power of the Atonement    
"Congratulations on telling everything to your wife! That is a good start. Telling your bishop might not be easy, but it's something you'll have to do. Whatever action the church takes against you should not matter. The church disciplines us to protect us from ourselves and to protect others from harm.

I have done many of the things you listed. I was able to work with my priesthood leaders, and over a period of a year, I was able to come back into full fellowship as a temple worthy member. I was not perfect during that year; I had three lapses with porn and masturbation.

I now have 138 days of sobriety, and I can testify to you that the twelve steps work and the atonement can heal you. I am not proud of my past, but I am aware of its existence. I thank God that the savior paid for my sins and showed me a way out of the darkness. I do not plan on ever returning to the addiction, and the desires of my heart have changed. I still have temptations and urges, but I surrender them immediately and move on.

I know you can also recover. Follow the suggestions listed above, and you will be well on your way."
posted at 17:30:09 on February 14, 2012 by ETTE
Talked with my Bishop    
"Well I spoke with my Bishop and feel much better about where I am. I was told that it will be a long road back, but am so thankful to at least be on the road. Thanks for everyones comments."
posted at 23:05:32 on February 14, 2012 by ready2stop


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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967