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I am the only thing standing in the way of what I want more than anything.
By Ashly_54
1/30/2012 1:45:49 AM
I have had an eating disorder since I was in middle school. Its completley consumed my life, I have always felt out of place, not good enough, and mildly depressed for as long as I can remember. My eating disorder (bulimia) was substituted by drug abuse (Heroin), and its been a back and forth cycle for the past 8 years. I'm 22, and i've spent my entire life keeping secrets. I would be mortified if anyone found out the truth about me. I believe in the gospel, I trust in the lord, I love this church with all my might, mind and strength, and my faith is strong. I have been to rehab after rehab, and have been to twelve step meetings in the past as well. But I am just to a point where I feel so alone, and don't know what to do from here. I was clean from heroin for a year and a half, and then relapsed in November when I moved to a new town. I haven't lost everything yet, like I did in the past, but I know that that is one of the natural consequences to using drugs. I want to get out of this lonely horrible secretive world that I live in, but I just don't know where to begin. As soon as I get clean from drugs my eating disorder is out of control, and i'm more concerned about the way that other people perceive me, then my actual behavior. For some reason I don't care what I do, as long as no one knows about it. My lifestyle right now makes me sick to my stomache. I've been clean before through rehabs, and detox, and jail, and programs. I know that that has not worked for me in the past. Right now, I finally have gained a desire to get clean and change my life. I am in a new town, where I have no friends, other than using friends, and I am so alone. I would rather die then tell the family I do have out here about my addiction, and I really have no one to talk to. I have built a good relationship with my bishop, and I confide in him about what is going on, but I feel like he might as well give up on me to for all the times I said "Yes! I really want to do it this time!" And get three days, and relapse. I'm ashamed. I have more self hatred then you can imagine. I want my life to be better, but Ive just lived the type of life where the person that people see me as, is completley different from the girl that I really am. I have lived this secret life for so long that I honestly don't know how to live another way. I need help. Am I crazy? I don't know. But I just don't know where to start.... AGAIN. I trust in the leaders of the church, I know that what they say is true. I believe in the process of repentance, and I love reading my scriptures because they give me hope that there are wicked people who turn into good. I want to be forgiven and have my slate wiped clean. I want more then anything to be married in the temple to a fine priesthood holder, and have children who I love and adore. But I can't get any of things in the state that I am in right now. I go to work every day, and I work hard. No one suspects anything. I come and see my family, they don't know. I stay in my room by myself all night, and completly wallow in my pain. There was a point where I was that girl with a year sober, people looked up to me, my parents were proud, I was happy. Not as happy as I could be, based on the fact that I still had an eating disorder that was out of control, but I was happier without drugs in my life. I just wonder if its possable to live a life free of ADDICITION in all its shapes and sizes and forms. Because my drug problem and my eating disorder has forced my into this secret life for the past 10 years, and I just don't know if I can handle it anymore, and I KNOW that my body can't handle it. Please Heavenly Father, please bless me with the strength and the courage to make it through this, please bless me that I will be able to have the motivation to keep going, and that I will have your spirit to guide me as I face decisions throughout the day, and that I will be able to have the strength to make the right ones. Please Heavenly Father, i'm begging you. I can't go on like this anymore. Please bless me that I will be comforted through these next few days, where I will be sick from withdrawl, in attempt to get clean. Father PLEASE bless me that I will have your spirit with me, and that I will be able to handle this. Please bless me that no matter how hard it gets, I will have the courage to not use. Please father please help me...

Comments:

I'll be praying for you as you fight this    
"Although I don't have a drug/alcohol addiction, I am an addict, and all addictions are the same.

First, I commend you for your courage. Please fight through withdrawal with all the strength you have, and pray constantly for that strength to continue and to increase. I work almost every day with a guy who was addicted to heroin for 18 years, before he finally beat it several years ago. And I had a friend who beat it after years of addiction, too. So can you.

However -- and I cannot emphasize this enough -- you must understand the roots of your addiction, not only the triggers, but the roots. Obviously, the stress and anxiety of moving to a new town triggered your relapse, but there is something deeper. You bounce back and forth between bulimia and heroin. And you had more than a year of sobriety, and that's a huge plus.

But you relapsed, and you did so for a reason. I don't know if you were abused as a child, or if you've grown up in a toxic family situation, or whatever, but your addiction is almost certainly a reaction to trauma and/or a prolonged period of stress, and I would say that virtually every addict suffers from very low self esteem. You turned to an eating disorder and drugs to medicate yourself, or to punish yourself, or both.

What you must do is to turn your pains over to the Savior rather than relying on self medication. Let him be the Judge (you'll find he is a far more compassionate judge than you are -- in fact, he's not there to judge you, but to help you). He understands you perfectly. He knows why you do what you do, but you probably don't. For complete recovery, you need to understand yourself, to understand your underlying reasons for acting out (i.e., taking drugs, etc.). And then you need to work on those.

Instead of turning to drugs at times of stress, you need to realize what things trigger you and ask the Lord to comfort you in those times of pain and anxiety, instead of relying on yourself for comfort (and/or punishment), which is what all addicts do.

You have to know what the roots of your addiction are, and then you need to ask the Lord to strengthen you against those things that have hurt you and robbed you of being who you really are. This might take some time. I'm not saying that sobriety has to take a lot of time, that can begin immediately, but abstinence and recovery can be two different things, as you have found out by your relapse. You can't just white knuckle the rest of your life. You have to attain peace at a deeper level, and to become like those people who listened to King Benjamin's speech (Mosiah 5:1-2: PLEASE read this short scriptural passage and understand it. This is what true recovery is all about, because when your very nature changes, that is, when you lose the disposition to do evil and have only the disposition to do good, then you will achieve true recovery, and you won't have to rely on your own strength, but on the Lord's strength, which will never fail).

You must tell your bishop, and this is a critical first step. Without having a flesh and blood real person to help you face to face, you're just waving your arms around in the dark, achieving nothing. The bishop will set up a program to help you achieve lasting recovery and peace and temple worthiness. He will set you on the path to recovery. He will likely advise you to work with a therapist and join a recovery support group. And a key to all this is to get the LDS 12 Step Manual and actually work the steps. Work the steps. I repeat, work the steps.

So please, don't try to do this alone, because you can't. You need the Savior, your bishop, the 12 Step Manual, a support group, and probably a sponsor, too, in order to attain lasting recovery.

And this web site is your cheering section. We're rooting for you right now. God bless you, and please keep us posted."
posted at 10:47:56 on January 30, 2012 by dog
+2    
"I had the exact same thought as Dog. It doesn't matter what the addiction is, the principles that lead us in are the same and the principles that lead us out are the same.

If you are already familiar with 12 Steps then you'll know that Step 1 and 4 will help you try and get the roots that Dog was talking about. Addiction doesn't just happen...it grows from something. We can't get rid of it by 'stopping the behavior' or attacking just the symptom. We've got to let the Savior pull it out from the roots and most of the time that means we expose the roots with some digging for Him to do the real work.

You can do this. Going to ARP has given me such hope as I've seen people with 40+ years of chemical and drug addictions come out of it and are the most joyful and happy people ever. You have the seed....your desire is evident. Now you just need to keep going.

Welcome."
posted at 14:56:21 on January 30, 2012 by maddy
+3    
"Also, start listening to KLOVE on the radio. Look it up and find the station in your area. It is Christian radio. They have a challenge to listen for 30 days and see what God can do in your life.

I listen every day. I am LDS. It is not a complete fix, but all the music is about Christ and it reminds me of him all day."
posted at 16:44:16 on January 30, 2012 by Anonymous


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"The Savior teaches that we will have tribulation in the world, but we should "be of good cheer" because He has "overcome the world". His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction… He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us. Brothers and sisters, the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference October 2006