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that couldn't have helped..
By janell
1/28/2012 1:53:48 PM
Last nights conversation with husband:

Him: "I wish you wouldn't have made this mess on the table"

Me: (in a snotty voice) " I wish you wouldn't have looked at porn"

Am I so mean??? Is it normal to be this snotty. I said I was sorry but I could see the sadness on his face. Is it normal to feel this pissed off?? Or am I just a Meany. I have been known to be a little to blunt.

Comments:

Our story...    
"I always describe recovery for couples in terms of three separate recovers...his, yours and yours as a couple. Couple recovery won't start until you BOTH are well on the path to your individual recoveries. My wife often says that the turning point in her recovery was when she could freely give up the anger, and allow the atonement to work. Get hubby to meetings. Don't be the porn police. You'll know if it's working for him. Let go of the anger (easier said than done) and the two of you will find that you can put this all behind you....it is possible.
Also, if you haven't already ready Don Hilton's book...He Restoreth My Soul, or a ggreat book for women entitled, Lord I believe, Help Thou My Unbelief". Second book really helped my wife see this for what it is. You guys can do this...TOGETHER. Trust me, he loves you very much."
posted at 15:39:17 on January 28, 2012 by chefdalet
Death of a Dream    
"Janell,

You will experience a range of emotions, and that is completely normal. You have just experienced a death of sorts. What you thought your life was like, was a lie. You thought your husband was honoring you and his Priesthood, but he was not. You also have to know that your husband is weak and does not want too be this way.

Try not to be so hard on yourself as you are in the beginning of a very long experience. My husband taught me that when I say something snotty to him (which I don't do anymore), he accepts that as a consequence to the choices he made. That was part of his manning up and becoming humble before God, and his wife.

For a time it is important that you express how you feel about your husband's choices. As he repents and stays sober, you will gain a respect for him. I went from having no respect for my husband to respecting him more than I ever thought possible. He made mistakes long ago and became addicted. The pain he caused by that addiction caused me to have no respect. But the honor he has gained by allowing the Savior into his heart and by working harder than he ever has to be sober causes me to respect him.

Staying sober opens the door for trust. And if he truly works his steps, he will stay sober. Forgiveness is essential, but forgiveness is not trust. I now have trust, and as your hubby stays sober and works his steps daily, you will again trust him.

For now, continue to ask the Lord to bless your husband in changing his life and bless you will be able to forgive him and begin to gain trust in him again.

This trial of addiction in my life is truly the biggest blessing I could have imagined. I have learned to face myself and let the Savior into my heart to transform my life. I use to play pretend like many women in my position. I am more real now. I use to be all about "the church" and the culture that goes with it. Now I am all about the Lord and his amazing son, Jesus Christ! This addiction is refining me and my husband. The blessing of recovery is changing our lives in every way. Recovery is even changing our Career. Shame once a constant in our lives, has been replaced by honor.

This will be true for you and your husband and that makes the future very exciting!!!"
posted at 19:03:57 on January 28, 2012 by angelmom
It's normal to be pissed!!!!    
"GrIeving process... Anger is part of it. I've said some things I regret. U have to go through these emotions.
The biggest problem I have with my past anger (it hasn't been here lately, but it can so easily return) is I would say things before out of pain and anger. Something like, " I'm really upset that u could do this to ur family". Now i try to say my true feelings which is just sadness and depression i say something like, "I'm just really sad that this is my trial." or "I'm hurt you would look at pornography". My sad sentences look a lot like my anger sentence. Even though I know it's different, my husband has a hard time understanding the difference. It makes sense to me why, in the past I've said things out of anger...so he thinks now I'm trying to hurt him....which couldn't be further from the truth. So now when I'm in emotional pain and just want to be held and comforted, he sees my words (which are how I feel, the best I know how to say) as a means to hurt him which then rips us even further apart. We are dealing with such a delicate subject...it a struggle to stay connected and not hurt each other.
It's a fine line between expressing how u feel and being a meany. I hope your husband takes it easy on u as u go through emotions u never knew existed.
I hope ur doing ok.
Love, summer"
posted at 13:41:32 on January 30, 2012 by Summer
Our Change    
"Summer I am so glad that you are still on this blog. You are beautiful! I love you and I love your honesty.

I wonder, has your husband watched the "Helping her Heal" DVD? by Dr, Douglass Weiss. After 20+ years of my husband doing everything possible from therapists, to Lifestar, and so much in between, we found this 25 year recovering addict turned Therapist, and our lives have not been the same since.

Hubby and I walk different paths going to the same destination, but I have to say that we have been in recovery for 16 months and our lives, although not perfect are continuing upward and onward. The great news is, that we are not that special, lucky, or privileged .The same healing is available to everyone. Truly, it is Christ at the center of our healing, but what Dr. W is teaching is like nothing we have ever found, and it has literally transformed our lives in every way.

THANK YOU HERO for mentioning Dr. Weiss a year and a half ago. After reading her success and very wise words, that I searched him out on the internet. Following sincere prayer and a desire to change, my husband decided to go to his 3 day intensive treatment. That is when the beginning of a beautiful marriage began for us.

I am more than happy to tell anyone more about him, but am hesitant because people seemed up in arms last year whenever Hero mentioned him because, although a Christian he is not LDS. All I know is that well after 2 decades of pain, we are now healing."
posted at 16:15:24 on January 30, 2012 by angelmom
Yes    
"Angel-
My husband has seen the helping her heal DVD. At the current moment my husband is willing to work with me. We've been through so many ups and downs. It's hard to trust if it will stay ok for a bit. I feel positive, and I'm willing to work too.. My hubby has a lot to his story and has been dealt some pretty rough cards. I get why he gets down, but it still hurts.
I love u too. Thank you for all your sweet comments. I always love to see your username active."
posted at 18:43:12 on January 30, 2012 by Summer


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004