"You have time"
By janell
1/27/2012 12:23:48 PM
I was prevouisly using my touchpad to write my blog, now I finally got the courage to turn on my laptop and really type my feelings. It's hard for me to be on this computer, I know porn has been viewed on it by my husband.

So a little more about me, I am a 21 (almost 22 years old) very very strong willed, loving, wife. I have only been a wife for 15 months. I've truly loved it. It has been HARD, everyone says "marriage is hard work" but you just don't understand how much work it is until you in the middle of it. I do not regret marrying my husband, it was the best day of my life. We were married in the Temple. I've always been a realistic person, my husband he sees everything through rose colored glasses. Which is one of the reasons I feel in love with him.

Flash foreward to about 3 weeks ago, I caught my husband on our computer viewing some suggestive pictures. I burst into tears, and he kept telling me it was just a pop up and he would never do that to me. So I said ok, kept cleaning, finally I just had this feeling (the holy ghost, thank you) that I needed to sit him down and talk. So I told him how somehting is not right, and I need him to be honest, and finally he came out and said he has been viewing it once or twice a week for the last 4 months. I was in shock! I couldn't believe my husband would even be thinking of looking at that crap, I called my mom right after crying asking her to pick me up. She came fast, and I left, I left him,bawled up on the floor begging and crying for my forgiveness. I got in the car and spilled my guts to my mom, then we went home, and told my dad. Then I asked for a blessing from my dad, the only thing I remember threw the tears and crying, is him saying " you have time"

I am not a patient person. And I am not one to be lied to. I am too honest of a person to even want to deal with dishonesty. So I assumed my husband and I were just going to divorce, I was going to start over, the end. But after my blessing, I knew I couldn't jump into divorce,, or staying with my husband.

So now I am currently living apart from my husband, I see him every day, but he does not stay the night. And if I don't want him there,he leaves, and if I need him there he is there in a flash.

I don't know whats going to happen in the future, we are going to therapy and a 12 step program. We are both willing to work. I am giving myself time, even though its so hard for me. Heavenly Father sure knows how to teach us through trials. I love My Father so much that I want to learn whatever He needs me to learn through this, so I can reach my full potiental in this life.

So here I am, so confused, still not knowing of the future. All I know is I am taking it day by day with My Heavenly Father and I am grateful He is by my side.


I look up to u!!!    
"My computer is down. And I'm trying this from a itouch that has been ran over by a car.. My super handy hubby fixed it, but it has some problems with its letters while typing. So excuse the typos. I can't write much, my technology is not great at the moment. But I had to tell u how much I look up to u. U r so young and so wise. Your testimony shines and it lifts me. Thank you for your strength! U should not have to deal with this and I would take away this from u if I could. Thank you for posting for adding light. I will write more when I have a keyboard that has all the keys working. I love you janell!!! Thank you for sharing."
posted at 15:18:44 on January 27, 2012 by Summer
When you're at the end of your rope...    
"Tie a knot and HANG ON!!

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I am a frequent viewer to this site, but don't write as much as I probably should. I am so glad you found this site so you can work through this trial. You are an amazing person for sure and always remember you are loved! Don't give up!!! HANG IN THERE!!

You're in my prayers..."
posted at 17:59:38 on January 27, 2012 by Humbled
You reacted well    
"So many wives do not have a choice or do not want to leave and they just put up with it. They learn to survive and live in spite of it. I could not leave because of my children. I still wish I had had the choice. Living with an addict is one of the hardest trials for a women. My husband had been an addict for most of his life and most of our marriage of ten years. I found out 2 years ago and wanted to die. I had nowhere to go with my children and dared not break their hearts. So I stayed and learned to live with it and in spite of it. I know my husband is sick. I know I can not change him. You can never, eveer change someonel. This is a sexual addiction, a disease that kills marriage. I learned a lot, I learned to not expect much. I know I can be lied to at anytime. I know that it is not in my hands. I know that a relapse is and will most probably always be a possibility. It is so hard but with no expectations for a "normal marriage", or being loved like I wanted to, it is easier. I had to give up so many of my dreams, of ever being the only one he wanted or wanted to look at. I've accepted that he loves me as much as he can, and I've worked through the 12 steps to forgive him and live my life. I'm learning to take care of myself, fulfill my own needs the best way I can and have little expectations. I am stronger, more humble, I rely on the Savior for every breath I take. He is there for me and has been there for me. I pray for the day when my husband would be completely healed, even if it's in the resurrection. I live with faith. I am learning to be happy in spite of it. That does not mean, I do not have boundaries. I do. And I feel protected because they are in place (eg no porn in the house, for the kids sake). I will not put the kids at risk. I have learned so much, and develop compassion and forgiveness. But I can not say, that I wish this life and these trials on anyone. I am so sorry, that another precious daughter of our Father in Heaven has to go trough this. I hope it will not define your life like it has for so many of us here. You desearve a faithful husband. You look so strong, and I am so glad that you have the support of your parents. Take care and choose wisely."
posted at 19:32:23 on January 27, 2012 by Anonymous
There is hope!    
"Janell, I am so sorry that you are going through such a traumatic event that you never wished for in a million years. Please don't give up on your marriage or your husband. It sounds like you are a great person and very in touch with the spirit.

My wife discovered my addiction several years ago. I know it was very hard for her, but after the initial shock wore off, she put her arms around me and supported me through an addiction recovery program. I have had very few slips since then, and am making greater progress all the time. I could have never made it without her. I will be eternally greatful to her for her support. I just wanted you to know that there is hope.

Thanks for committing to the recovery process with your husband. Remember the atonement is not just for those who have wronged, but also for those who have been wronged. You can find the peace that you have lost through the atonement of the Savior. I will be praying for you and your husband."
posted at 20:33:53 on January 27, 2012 by ilmw
12 steps    
"I am so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing like the devastation of learning about something like this in your marriage. Keep coming back here for encouragement and to get help. This is an emotional thing. I don't go a single day without thinking about my husband's addiction, but that doesn't mean that I don't have hope. I am trying to process my emotions and learn how to be a good friend to him in this situation. This is his struggle in life, but it is also mine.

I would highly recommend both you and your husband going to an LDSAR program, if there is one in your area. The links to the manuals are on the sidebar and they are so helpful.

You can also go talk to your Bishop. My Bishop has been so helpful in giving me blessings and talking to me and helping me through this. You need the Atonement right now. You might think that sounds strange, because I did at first. I thought if anyone needed it, my husband did. And of course he has his own things that he is dealing with and trying to repent of. But I need it for ME. To know that the Savior understands what I am going through and to help ME to forgive and love my husband. To become a better person. My Bishop told me that the Gospel is sweet and great and wonderful but it is 100 times sweeter and better after understanding the Atonement. I am finding this to be true, little by little. It doesn't come overnight. Get on your knees and pray. Pour out your heart to Heavenly Father. I know He won't leave you alone. Go back to Him as often as you need to."
posted at 06:39:08 on January 28, 2012 by crushedwife
A different point of view...    
"Don't know if this helps you Janell, but I see your husband as extremely brave and someone who loves you very much. I kept my addiction hid for 25 years of marriage, and it took us nearly splitting up for me to find the courage to tell her and commit to getting help. You guys are on the right track though. Stay strong and committed to each other. Go to the steps. The Lord will do the rest. This war is win-able. Don't give up!"
posted at 15:46:33 on January 28, 2012 by chefdalet

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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967