Print
Help
By ccb
1/27/2012 1:56:39 AM
My worst nightmare has seemed to creep up on me and now I'm having to face it ready or not. My husband and I have been married for two and a half years now and though I love him with all my heart I am tired of this battle with his pornography addiction. In October I had found out that he had been lying to me for at least five months so I had thought that maybe things were really starting to look up for us. When I found out he had just been lying I took it very hard so I decided to give him an ultimatum. I told him that if he relapsed again before the spring then I was going to leave. I prayed that this would just scare it right out of him, but it didn't. I discovered today that he has relapsed multiple times since then and he has just been lying to me again. I have tried so hard to check up on him everyday to keep reminding him so that I wouldn't have to follow thru on my word. Now that he has slipped several times I don't know what to do. I have tried going to therapy and everything else but it has never changed. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and worrying all the time. Am I a quitter? I do not want to leave my husband but I just don't know what else to do. I just don't want to keep getting hurt. Please help me, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Comments:

Has your husband committed to the 12 Steps?    
"I am so, so, so sorry. You seem to be walking this road by yourself. You mentioned that you have gone to therapy. Did you go by yourself or with your husband? Has your husband tried an addiction recovery program? (hopefully an LDSAR program is available in your area)

You don't sound like a quitter to me. I am so amazed by your willingness to stick by your husband. Since you asked for advice, I would recommend that you change your ultimatum to your husband joining and actively progressing through an LDSAR program. He will have to be honest with you. You do not deserve to be lied to again. Just remember that there may be a few set backs along the way, but if he is committed, he can make progress.

I hope this is the advice you were looking for. Please don't give up. All of us on this site are ready to offer our support and love to you. We will all be praying for you.

God bless you in this trying time of your life.

ILMW"
posted at 20:54:53 on January 27, 2012 by ilmw
so difficult    
"I'm so so so sorry for what you're going through. I can understand the pain of having a husband with an addiction, and the uncertainty it brings. I understand the heartache of feelings of doubt and mistrust. I'm there right now too.

I was also wondering if you've attended any LDSAR spouse meetings, or S-Anon, or anything? One thing I have learned from this is that it is my husband's problem. Not that it doesn't affect me, because it does, every second of the day. But I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I can choose whether to be happy or miserable. I find that when I try to control it, by asking him how he's doing, or checking his phone to see if he's doing anything that he hasn't told me about, I'm making myself even more miserable.

My therapist told me that instead of making ultimatums that I'm not willing to or can't enforce, that I need to let my husband know my expectations. I needed to let him know that when he slips, I would like him to talk to me about it. To let him know how much I need his honesty, even when things are hard. A lot depends on your husband and where he is at. Is he willing to get help? Does he have a sponsor or someone to talk to? I highly recommend both of you attending LDSAR meetings, if you can find one in your area. I live in an area where those aren't available, but I've gone to S-Anon. My husband goes to SA. I also read the LDSAR manual, which you can find by clicking on the purple button on the left sidebar. Learning about addiction was helpful for me. My husband isn't slipping because he wants to or because he is trying to hurt me, it is an addiction and he needs help to overcome it. Just because he wants to, it is not enough.

I have in the past given my husband ultimatums, very similar to yours. All through our marriage, he would lie to me about different things. I told him if he lied again, it was over. I just wanted him to be honest with me. I didn't understand that he had so much more he was still lying about at the time. (I am not trying to say your husband does as well, I'm just saying that for me, it was so silly to say that because I had no idea he was lying to me even as I was saying that). We finally got to a point where he got everything out on the table, and we both went to a counselor (together as well as individually) and have started working on the 12 steps.

Good luck in your decision, it is such a difficult spot to be in. I definitely feel for you and if you'd like to email more, you can contact me at crushedwife@hush.com"
posted at 06:27:05 on January 28, 2012 by crushedwife
Take preventative matters now    
"We installed NETNANNY on all of computers at home. It is very user friendly. It is great. We are SO GLAD we have it. Our kids don't accidently stumble on something & it protects us as well.
It is a very, very hard thing to go through. I'm so sorry. I hope that things get better for you. Remember that The Lord never gives up on us, so we shouldn't give up on each other."
posted at 07:23:49 on January 28, 2012 by ME
thanks    
"My husband and I have been through the 12 step program twice. It has been nice to go and talk with other women who are having the same struggle. Thank you for your comments they have definitely helped in this rough time."
posted at 12:42:18 on January 28, 2012 by ccb
Boundaries    
"You have some hard decisions to make and everyone has to decide for themselves as to what they will and will not allow.

Sounds like you need to decide on what your boundaries are. When I began this journey, I didn't even know what a boundary is. Now I have them firmly implanted, an my boundaries are my self respect. Be sure in the boundaries you set because once you set a boundary you must stick to it or it will not work. And the first thing that happens when you set a boundary, it will be tested.

In my home there is a no porn rule. If my husband looks at porn he will need to leave our home until he can show (not tell me) that he is serious about being clean. For some people that may sound harsh, but for too many years I did not have enough self respect to say that he cannot look at naked women on the internet and then sleep in my bed. As a daughter of God, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask my husband not to cheat on me. Does that mean that if he looks, I will divorce him? No it doesn't, but it does mean that he must leave my home for a while. And, if acting out continues, then I would need to prayerfully decide what my next step is.

My husband has slips. A slip as defined by him (and me) is when his behavior starts to become unkind or distant. He personally defines a slip as not reading his scriptures or doing his daily work.

We are extremely serious about sobriety. I do not track him or his sobriety because I will know by his behavior if he is slipping, and for that I have boundaries in place, and those boundaries are what have brought me peace and have assisted us in a very fulfilling marriage.Remember, sobriety and recovery is hard work and boundaries bring peace and keep a marriage safe.

Best to you sweet sister,
Angel"
posted at 19:39:06 on January 28, 2012 by angelmom


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990